Well, it's the official end of 2011. It's definitely not how I thought it would end. I figured I'd be up nursing a newborn, waiting for the ball to drop. I keep waiting to wake up on January 1st and have someone tell me that this is all just a horrible dream. I'll wake up and look beside the bed, and see Nathan sleeping in a bassinet. I saw a friend's posting today. She delivered her baby boy yesterday... on Nathan's official due date. I couldn't help the sinking feeling in my stomach and quickening of my heart. Seeing the pictures of her adorable little boy... that should be me. The picture of her older son wearing the big brother shirt and smiling with pride... that should have been Cameron. (big sigh) But it's not. I don't know that I'll ever get to a place where I'll be able to let go of the "should be's". I think my mind will always wonder what should've been.

I got an amazing gift in the mail Thursday, the day before Nathan's due date. A gift that I really needed. I volunteered to work on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday of last week. I worked 1st shift, with people from all three shifts... who also volunteered. For some reason, most of the talk was about babies. (Yes, this is my life now. The girl who silently endures baby talk and cries on the inside.) I had a co-worker ask if I'd heard that she was expecting. I said, "No, I didn't. Congratulations." She said, "I cried. I'm not ready for another baby. My daughter isn't even one yet." Okay, she's entitled to her feelings but why would she feel the need to tell me that? If she's looking for sympathy for her feelings... she's out of luck. I can't give any. I'm crying because I'm not pregnant and my child is dead.

Anyway, I came home Thursday... so glad for the week to be over and ready to get past December 30th. I noticed a box on the kitchen counter. I opened it up and was instantly overwhelmed with emotion. I stood in the kitchen and just cried, as I read the letter enclosed. (I still get teary eyed typing this, thinking about it.) I haven't even been able to blog about it or thank her. (I guess I need to at least email and let her know I did receive it, huh?) I received the package from another baby loss mom, "N". A mom who, over the last several months, has become a cherished friend. A friend who lives on the opposite side of the country. For some reason, the women that I connect with and become friends with online... all live miles and miles away. In a way, it makes me sad because the chances that I will ever meet these wonderful women, in person, is slim. :-(

I was touched, honored and blessed at the thought behind the package. When I looked inside, I found a beautiful, handwritten letter explaining the items enclosed. She has been blessed to be stationed in a beautiful place surrounded by islands. She has a special, quiet place that she goes to when she needs to be alone and think about her babies. Since I can't be there with her, she wanted to give me a small piece of her place. She sent me pebbles, rocks and sticks from the beach.

It cracks me up to read this because if you had seen me trying to get that paper out of the vase, you would've been on the floor laughing. I had the end of two forks, trying to grasp it, without knocking the vase over. I tried everything I could think of. It took me a good 10 minutes to get it out. LOL

I told Allen that I'd like to save up the money to buy a glass curio cabinet. I never thought I'd ever have many things for Nathan but I'm gathering quite the collection. I went to place this box on his shelf, in my bedroom, and found myself telling him (Nathan) that I'd have to get him a new place to put all his things, so they could be displayed.

I thought it was so cool that I could still smell the ocean on the stick. I "plugged" the vase with a piece of tissue... hoping that I'll be able to hold onto the smell a bit longer.

On the way back to her car, she saw this rock. It looks like a half of a heart. She said she thought of Nathan and I, when she saw it. I like to think that Nathan placed it there for her to find. I have one half and the other half is floating in the Pacific ocean somewhere. I can't see the other half, just like I can't see Nathan... but I know it (and he) is out there somewhere just waiting to find me and my half of the heart rock. ♥

Here's the picture she took during her Christmas vacation. I was so touched that she remembered my sweet boy...

I really wish I wasn't a part of this "Baby Loss Club" but since I am... I'm AMAZINGLY blessed to have met some wonderful people on this journey. They will never know the impact they've made, not only in my life... but the life of my husband and family also. I received an ornament and card, through an ornament exchange, I signed up for back in November. I think reading the note that mom sent me and reading the letter "N" sent me, my husband has really started to understand where I'm coming from and what I need (as far as support).

This is what I posted on my Facebook page tonight...

Dear Family and Friends,

I know that this year has been a difficult one for many of us. I pray that the pain and heartache of 2011 will be washed away. With a new year approaching, my hope is that your life will be filled with love, good health and the blessing of good friends. I pray that illnesses with be healed, hearts will be a little less broken, and that family and friends will make peace with each other. Life is much too short. Live it full and without regrets, whenever possible.

With much love,
Crystal ♥