The Week

Since it's after midnight... here it is. "The" week. The week I've been dreading since that horrible day I heard myself ask, "You can't find a heartbeat can you?" The tears are forming as I type this. Thinking about it is one thing. Typing it, speaking it... makes it real. I knew this week would come but now that it's here... I just don't know... the words are lost on me. I've been unsure of how I'm going to feel and muddle through it. Even now, I don't know how I'm going to manage the week. I guess just one minute at a time, one day at a time.

I've been "counting" down to this week and now that it's here and I know I won't be bringing a baby home... I don't know what to do with the feelings surrounding the "anticipation" of the week. Even after losing him, I didn't know what to do with the "countdown". Its like New Year's Eve. You know that nothing is really going to change when the clocks strikes midnight... but you count down anyway. I've known since July that nothing was going to change but I still countdown. I still look at the calendar every Friday and know that I should be "X" weeks pregnant. I suppose, come January, I will begin the "birthday count"... my son should be "X" days/weeks/months/years old now. For the rest of my life, I will have a child missing. For the rest of my life, I will be counting for a little boy who never will.

This week should have been the week my son was born. This is my pregnancy ticker today. It's not public and hasn't been since I lost Nathan. I did keep it active though, on the Liliypie website.

Friday should've been my last day of work. That detail hit me as I caught a glimpse of the calendar on my locker at work, as I was leaving. It was a little bit emotional pulling out of the parking lot Friday night, thinking about it. Even though Nathan's official due date was December 30th... I think I'll always consider December 21st his due date. I should be preparing for my scheduled c-section this coming Wednesday. My son should've been entering the world on Wednesday, December 21, 2011. My OB and I discussed the options and were going to finalize the "plan" as I got closer to my due date. He said they don't normally induce or schedule c-sections before 39 weeks. However, with the Christmas holiday... he said they'd be able to "play" with the dates. I told him I wanted December 21st for a few reasons. Allen was born on August 21 and Cameron was born on February 21. I like that all "my guys" are 21sters. (Little did I know, Nathan would still end up a 21ster... just not December.)

I figured if I had him on the 21st... we'd be out of the hospital and home in time for Christmas. What would be better than waking up Christmas morning with an almost 4 year old and 4 day old in my arms? Oh, what I wouldn't give to have that be a reality. Instead, I'll plaster on a smile and try to make happy memories with my older son on Christmas morning. I will swallow the pain and heartache of missing Nathan. I will put my feelings aside for my surviving child. I will swallow the lump in my throat, hold back the tears... and smile as I "ohhh" and "ahhh" over my precious Cameron. When I think of all I've lost this year... I can't help but think of all he's lost. My heart breaks almost as much for him as for myself. He has had a really tough year, since July. A three year shouldn't have to go through as much as he has. He's lost his little brother, a part of his mommy and his PawPaw... all within the last 4 months or so.

We've had to say goodbye to 2 people this year. Having to say goodbye to my son in July, and then again, to my father-in-law (who I've known since I was 14) in December... really makes me question life. The older I get, I find myself aware of the fact that I've turned into my mom and that she has turned into my grandmother. Before long, I'll turn around and find myself in the grandmother position... closer to death. It really makes me question what my purpose is here... while I'm alive and on this Earth. I used to be terrified of death. While, I'm not in a hurry to expire... I don't fear it like I used to. It brings me a sense of comfort to know that my son is waiting for me, when it's my time to join him. (I am going to send an angel in front of you, to guard you on the way and to bring you to the place that I have prepared. - Exodus 23:20) Part of me doesn't really care about my purpose because, really... I have no control over it anyway. THAT is the part I struggle with. I used to have this fabulous illusion that life was what I made it. How naive was I? I see other people, living their lives, blissfully unaware how just how quick it can all go wrong. I'm jealous of them. I've been where they are and I miss it. Sadly, my experience will never allow me that blindness again. I am forever changed.

I will forever be the mom of two boys. It's sad to think of how different the future will be for them. THIS is what I don't think people understand. When you lose a baby, it's not just for that moment or that year. It's forever. You lose all of the "what if's" and all the dreams for the future with that child.

I will watch one son grow up. I held him in my arms the day he was born and promised to love him until the day I die. I saw his first smile, first steps and first birthday. I'll see him off on his first day of Kindergarten. I'll cringe and worry when he gets his first set of car keys. I'll watch with tears and pride as he graduates high school and, hopefully, college. I will cut the strings and try to bravely let go as he ventures out into the world. Perhaps, he'll marry and have children someday. These are all things I look forward to when I think of Cameron.

When I think of Nathan, I think of all of those exact same things. The difference is in the wording. There is only one sentence, in bold, that is the same as Cameron's.

I will never watch one son grow up. I held him in my arms the day he was born and promised to love him until the day I die. I'll never see his first smile, first steps and first birthday. I'll never see him off on his first day of Kindergarten. I'll never cringe and worry when he gets his first set of car keys. I'll never watch with tears and pride as he graduates high school and, hopefully, college. I will never be able to cut the strings and try to bravely let go as he ventures out into the world. He'll never marry and have children someday.

I can't believe it's been almost 5 months since I held him. God, how I miss him. I wish so badly I could go back to that night. I would take the pain and heartache all over again, just to hold him and tell him I love him. I dread this milestone but I pray that getting past it will be one step closer to healing. I know that this hole in my heart will never be completely gone but slowly, Lord... I hope and pray... slowly it will get smaller.