Never in my life have I experienced depression... until now. Over the last few weeks, I've noticed a change. I can't pinpoint exactly when it started but last week, I was certain of it. I spoke to my therapist about it at our session on Wednesday. She had me take the "Beck test" and according to my "score" I'm between moderate to severe. However, most of my answers lean toward a physiological depression instead of a "normal" chemical depression. She feels that medication may not help because I don't have any chemical or hormonal imbalance factors. (I know I'm not explaining it like she did but I don't really know how.) She said we would continue to work through and discuss it more at my next session. I don't really want medication. That just makes me feel weak. I was embarrassed for saying anything to begin with and agreeing to do the test.
No offense to anyone else but I've never thought of myself as one of "those" people (depressed people). I've always been the person who manages a smile or manages an "over-coat" to life's ups and downs. I've become pretty good at it. I don't like people thinking of me as "less than". I'm extremely private when it comes to my feelings and talking about them. My therapist knows more than anyone and even then, it's taken over a year to even start being honest and open with her. There is just something scary and intimidating about looking at a person (any person) and bearing my soul to them. I think that's why I tend to like this blog and my online friendships. I have the safety and protection of my screen between us.
I hate the way this feels. Every time I feel like I'm having a good day or thought, something starts to pull me back into a dark hole. It sucks.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
August 19th Day of Hope
August 19th is a day to break down the walls of society that keep pregnancy, infant and child loss a hush hush subject. People view the death of a baby as just a sad thing that happened. These babies, that die, are not sad things that happened. They are people... much loved and wanted children. They are brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandsons and granddaughters.
August 19th is about openly speaking about these children and celebrating their short lives. By having this special day, once a year, we get people speaking about pregnancy, infant and child loss. By doing this we break those walls down so that people are not afraid to speak about these children anymore.
Today and every day I remember my baby, Nathan. I will never stop loving him and missing him. He will never be forgotten by me.
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