Pregnant Women

I really wish I could get to a place of peace, resolution or whatever. I hate feeling like this but I don't know how to stop. I thought I was having a pretty decent day today. I stopped and got something to eat on the way to work this afternoon. I was standing there, waiting for my food, when I looked up and noticed a woman (facing away from me) sliding out of her booth. She looked like any other person... until she stood up and turned around. BOOM... big, huge belly. I mean she looked like she was ready to deliver. I just looked up at the ceiling and was like 'Really, God? I needed that reminder. Thanks.' :-( Then, I was at work tonight and a co-worker (who is expecting a boy in early May) was standing in front of me, while I was talking to another co-worker (who she was standing beside of). She stood there rubbing her belly the ENTIRE time. I realize that it may have been out of habit or unintentional... but it really irritated me. It was like 'Really?!?! Do I need a reminder slapped in my face that YOU are pregnant!?!?!' (At about the same gestation I was when I lost Nathan, as a matter of fact.) I realize that the world is full of pregnant people and I have to learn to live with that. I just wish it didn't hurt so much to see them. It makes me wonder... how many times, when I was pregnant with my older son and/or Nathan, did I pass a mother who was grieving for her baby? How many women looked at my pregnant belly and happy smile and cried inside? It really makes you think about the people you pass or come in contact with. How many people did I see or pass today... who are experiencing the worst day of their life?

Reality

Today was hard... harder than I thought it was going to be. Today is the first day I've had to be around a pregnant woman for an extended amount of time. But not just any random pregnant woman... one of Cameron's classmate's mom, who just happens to be due 4 days after I was. I knew this day would come and I thought I was prepared and okay. Cameron had a field trip with his preschool class to the pumpkin patch. I feel horrible because I couldn't just suck it up and enjoy the day with Cameron. I was so focused on trying to fake being okay and holding back my tears. I kept my back to her most of the morning but I still overheard the multiple comments from other parents and pumpkin patch staff. When are you due? What are you having? How have you been feeling? Have you picked out a name? I tried my best to stay away from her and enjoy the time with Cameron but it seemed like God was picking on me because I got stuck sitting in front on her on the hayride. A hayride I thought would never end. Then, while they were heading for the snack table, Cameron had to go potty. Well, by the time we got back the only spot left was... yeap, you guessed it... across the table from her and her son.

Some days I really seem to be okay and getting used to this "new normal" but its days like today that slap me in the face. This grieving thing sucks. I hate it. I don't want it anymore. I wish I could be a child and lay in the floor and throw a temper tantrum and make it all go away. I want to be the one people ask those questions to. I want to be the fat girl with the round belly who blends in with the big round pumpkins.

I want my baby. I miss him so much. Will this raw, hurt feeling every go away? How many more times am I going to have to endure that knife-life feeling in my heart? I wish I could just close the curtains and hide under the covers. I wish that I could spend the rest of the afternoon, lost in a dream. A dream where I'm still pregnant and all is right with the world. Unfortunately, I have to leave for work here soon. So, once again... I'll plaster on my smile, wipe away my tears and pretend everything is okay.

This happy day sucked...

17 years ago on September 15th, I met my husband for this first time. We celebrated 11 years of marriage, today. Well, I guess technically yesterday... since it's after midnight. With me being out of work after Nathan's death, we've gotten behind financially on some things. We had issues with our bank today, which had me in tears.

I had my 8-week post delivery OB appointment today also. I survived being the ONLY non-pregnant woman in the waiting room. Well, I take that back there was another lady there with her husband, son and newborn. It took everything in me to keep my composure. I lost it when I got in the room. I tried so hard to pull myself together before the doctor came in. I half managed. He talked to me for a few minutes but I could tell that he was at a loss for words. It was probably pretty awkward to have a half-naked women sitting on the exam table crying. You can't really come in and start off with "So, let's get this pap smear on the road!" He did encourage me to tell my story. He said it was important for me not to feel ashamed or embarrased by my loss.

Its days like this that make me wonder if I'll ever get through this. I think of Nathan every day but he doesn't consume my thoughts, like that first month. I can think of him, and even talk about him, without crying sometimes. Today felt so much like that first week. I just want this to NOT be MY life! I want to still be pregnant. I want to be 25 weeks pregnant. I want to be decorating the nursery and buying my little boy outfits and toys. Instead, Allen and I sat in the nursery today in an empty glider. A glider that I will never rock my baby to sleep in. I remember sitting in it the week before we lost him. I had checked on Cameron, before going to bed and had stopped outside the nursery door. I sat in the glider and looked around the room smiling, thinking of how different it was going to be checking on two kids. That image is now shattered beyond repair. I told Allen I think I want to sell it. He said we should keep it because "we never know". I have mixed feelings about it. I guess I'll keep it for now. Even if we have another baby, I don't know how I'll feel rocking him/her in that glider. I think part of me will always see it as Nathan's glider.

Today just kinda sucked. Never could I have imagined, 11 years ago, that this is where we would be. Marriage and life definitely haven't played out like I thought they would. Sometimes, I wish I had married a romantic man. Sometimes, I wish I had married a more sensitive man. But then, on days like today... during the rare moment when he just holds me and lets me be me; I can't imagine being married to anyone else. He's not perfect by any means, but he's enough for me. He loves me and accepts me with all of my imperfections. He may not be right by my side during each storm I face but I know that he will be there to pick me up and love me, when my world falls apart; and that's good enough for me.