What Now?

Well, it's officially December 22nd. I survived. I'm still breathing. The world didn't stop just because he isn't here. What was supposed to be Nathan's special day has come and gone. What now? What the hell am I supposed to do now? I don't know where to go from here.

It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was mostly numb. Right now, as I'm typing this... it's the first time I've cried since I woke up December 21st. I knew what the day was and, of course, throughout the entire day... I would catch myself thinking, "I'd be out of the OR by now"... "I'd be holding him right now"... We would've already introduced him to Cameron by now". As I was eating dinner, all I could think about was the fact that I should be eating hospital food.

I'm blank... my mind is blank. I honestly, have no clue where to go from here. I wasn't even sure about coming on here and blogging tonight because there is absolutely nothing on my mind other than a huge question mark.

I miss him so much but I realized, as the clock struck midnight a little while ago, nothing is going to bring him back. There will never be a date or milestone or anniversary where anything is going to change. He is gone forever. That stabs my heart like a knife. I mean, it isn't like I didn't already know that, but I guess just the finality of getting past all the "milestones" and past his due dates... makes it really real.

We stayed mostly low key today... hanging out around the house. Cameron has been fighting a cold and today he was just NOT listening. I was trying so hard not to yell or snap at him because I didn't want to take my sadness and mood out on him. As much as he probably didn't deserve it, because of his ugly behavior, we took him to Build-A-Bear. When we first got pregnant, we told him that once we found out the sex of the baby... he could build it a bear. We were walking through the mall one day, after we'd lost Nathan, and he saw the BAB store. He asked if he could still build his brother a bear, even though he wasn't here with us. We said yes, that we'd take him later. I told Allen that I wanted to take him on Nathan's "special day"... December 21st. So, off we went today. Before I came on here, I actually went in his room to check on him. He's got his bear snuggled up beside him. I wish I could get a picture without waking him up... it's cute.

This picture slideshow made with Smilebox

I'll post more about finishing up our tree and all in another post. It's after 2am... and I have to be up for my therapy appointment at 9am. She broke her knee so it's been awhile since I've had a session. We shall see where all this goes, I guess...