I miss Nathan so much... a little more the last few days. I noticed that I tear up and cry more here lately. Part of me misses that part of grief and part of me hates it. I feel weak. But then again, I don't feel like I properly missing him unless I cry and am sad. Does that make sense?
Last night, I mentioned to Allen that I told a girl at work she could come by and get the crib. I just can't ever see another baby in it. I couldn't even finish saying anything. I just leaned over, against him, and started crying. I have so much in my head and everything seems to hit me at one time, just out of nowhere. Some days, I feel like its all caving in.
I've been reluctant to share but I scheduled my surgery for April 19th. When I went back for my OB checkup, they did an ultrasound. It was horrible. I started crying as soon as I got on the table. I didn't think... didn't expect it to be so emotional. I knew I wasn't pregnant and knew there wouldn't be anything on the screen. However, the reality of seeing the screen without a baby or heartbeat... it was hard.
In the end, they found that my uterus was lined with polyps and my uterine lining was very thick. He said that it could cause problems both getting pregnant and staying pregnant. I asked him if he thought I'd had it while pregnant with Nathan (I can't help but still wonder what I or my body did to make him die). He said no, that he thought it had all grown since having him. He said that my remaining ovary is stuck to my wall, behind my uterus. He said he didn't want to mess with it because we both know what'll happen. If he's able to free it and clean it up, the second he closes... it'll start growing back. He said with it being my only ovary/tube, he didn't want to mess with it and chance damaging the tube, ovary or eggs.
He decided to go in and do a hysteroscopy. I'm going to have it done at the hospital's day surgery center to save on costs. It's not an overnight procedure, so it'll be a little cheaper that way. Once I'm awake and stable, I'll be able to go home that same day.
While talking about the procedure, he surprised me. He said that since he's already going to have me asleep, he'll go ahead and do a laparoscopy also. My eyes got big and I just looked at him. I've been trying to talk him into a lap for years!! He has always refused because my endo is too severe and he will only do a laparotomy (complete c-section like cut). I had one in 2005, when I lost my left tube and ovary. It is major surgery, which is why I've wanted to avoid another one. He said that he is only agreeing to do it because I'll already be under. He said that I need to understand that he is only going in to get what he can... no promises of getting a lot cleaned up. He said he may also run some dye through the tube. (Something our RE did when I had my HSG done. I got pregnant with Cameron the following week.)
Even if I don't get pregnant, maybe I'll be able to get some pain relief. The last couple weeks have been rough. So much pain...
Well, I guess I better get ready for work. I'm so not looking forward to next week. We're on 12's. Ugh... Since we're off on Friday for Easter, they're going to try and shove 5 days worth of work into 4. We're working three 12-hour days and one 8-hour day and then off on Friday. I won't see Cameron but for a few minutes during the week... having to leave the house around 9:30am and not getting home until around 11pm. :-(
Friday, March 30, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
Back to the Grind
I'm going back into the clean room area at work, starting today. It sucks. Doing the DHR's and running backup for the PB office over the last year or so, I've gotten used to the luxury of not having to do the mandatory overtime that the rooms have been running. I've been able to volunteer to come in early and cover someone else's shift when I want to. This week, I'm having to work three eleven hour shifts plus two eight hour shifts. I don't mind the overtime so much, I just wish I could work over instead of going in the early. I hate going in early. On eleven hour days, I work from 11:30am until 10:30pm. I feel like by the time I get up, its time to go to work... especially with Cameron in preschool now. When I drop him off at 9am on Monday and Wednesday, I don't see him for the rest of the day. Its around 11pm before I get home and he's already in bed. I miss him already and hate that I'm not going to be there to pick him up after school. He gave me tight hug when I dropped him off at preschool this morning and said, "I'll miss you at work, mommy." It's going to be a long week...
I can't stand him not being with me, especially in a car. I know accidents can happen to anyone but there is just something about him being with me. I can't shake the thought that if something were to happen, I want to be with him. I want my face and my voice to be the last thing he sees or hears before leaving this earth. I want to be comforting and holding him and telling him how much I love him. I know that sounds morbid and negative. I don't mean to be. I'm realistic. I now know, first hand, that babies and children die. The thought of something happening to him, scares me. The thought of something happening to him without me there, terrifies me.
I guess I just have to suck it up and deal with it. With Allen not working, I can't afford to lose my job or try and search out another one. I'm carrying all of us on my benefit package, which I worked hard to get. (I spent several years temping at places, not getting any insurance or benefits.) After paying the bills this week and getting groceries, I have about $35 left. It has to last me with gas and anything else until Friday. :-(
The last couple days, I feel like everything is just minutes from caving in on me... so much on my mind. Last night, I finally forced myself to bed around 2am... only to lay there and stare at the ceiling, trying to get my mind to shut down.
big sigh.
I can't stand him not being with me, especially in a car. I know accidents can happen to anyone but there is just something about him being with me. I can't shake the thought that if something were to happen, I want to be with him. I want my face and my voice to be the last thing he sees or hears before leaving this earth. I want to be comforting and holding him and telling him how much I love him. I know that sounds morbid and negative. I don't mean to be. I'm realistic. I now know, first hand, that babies and children die. The thought of something happening to him, scares me. The thought of something happening to him without me there, terrifies me.
I guess I just have to suck it up and deal with it. With Allen not working, I can't afford to lose my job or try and search out another one. I'm carrying all of us on my benefit package, which I worked hard to get. (I spent several years temping at places, not getting any insurance or benefits.) After paying the bills this week and getting groceries, I have about $35 left. It has to last me with gas and anything else until Friday. :-(
The last couple days, I feel like everything is just minutes from caving in on me... so much on my mind. Last night, I finally forced myself to bed around 2am... only to lay there and stare at the ceiling, trying to get my mind to shut down.
big sigh.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
8 Months
8 months...
Each month I add another number and I get farther and farther from that day when it all changed. He's now been gone twice as long as he lived. That hurts my heart.
For the most part, I'm doing okay. I have more "moments" than "days"... if that makes sense. I don't remember the last time I had a "bad day" all day. I struggle with moments of sadness, anger, guilt, etc... but not whole days. That makes me... unsure. Unsure about where I am on this journey. I know people say that grief has no timetable and that we all respond and grieve in our own way, but I can't help but wonder if I'm doing it "right". Am I at the right stage, at the appropriate time? Am I missing him less than I should? Am I missing him too much? Does my mind spend too much or too little time wondering, wishing that he were here?
He would be 3 months old, if he were here. I wonder if he would've been a happy, smiley, content baby (like his brother) or would he have been a cranky, colicky baby? I try not to idolize him because I know he wouldn't have been perfect. I try to be realistic. If he were here, I'd be complaining of the lack of sleep, etc. I'm not stupid, I still remember those early days of Cameron's infancy. I had horrible migraines... which I learned, in my case, are only triggered by lack of sleep. I never had them before Cameron and have had very few since he began sleeping through the night.
Here's some pictures of Cameron that were taken from 1 to 3 months old... just because I feel the need to share him. ♥ I miss these days... (There is a back, play and forward button at the bottom, if you scroll over the picture.)
I found out over the weekend, via Facebook, that my former supervisor's great-granddaughter passed away on Friday, March 16th. My heart instantly reached out, silently across miles and time, to her and her family. The baby was 5 months old. Her name was Myshelle Elizabeth. From what I understand, they are thinking it was SIDS. This is the picture on her obituary. Beautiful, isn't she?
I'm embarrassed to admit now, after seeing this precious girl's picture, I let anger take control of my emotions for far too long that day. The reaction people had, at work, infuriated me. If I hadn't rode to work with my mom that day, I would've left... that's how mad I was. They expressed so much compassion and sympathy for her and her family. They had a card going around as I walked in the door.
Yes, I know it was nice and the right thing for them to do. I know that the world doesn't revolve around me but it was a sting to the face. (Not quite a slap in the face.) The card I received was over a month after I lost Nathan and had already been back to work for over a week. It really felt like an "Opps, we forgot... I guess we should get a card" kinda thing. It really bothers me how differently people view and react to miscarriages vs. stillbirth and infant death. What made her 5 months on this Earth more important, more "worthy" than my son's 4 months in my womb? It just bothers me and I think always will... more than it should.
I got online, via my cell phone, and put in a prayer request on one of my support boards that night. I didn't explain the situation. I just told them that my emotions and thoughts needed a lot of help and prayers. Then I prayed, harder than I've prayed in a while... another thing I'm embarrassed of. I don't like letting anger take over me. I don't like the way it feels... especially a situation like that. I'm sitting here, angry at people for treating her death differently than's Nathan... yet, I'm doing the same thing. Losses can't be compared, yet I'm comparing.
The amazing thing is, that within 15-20 minutes of posting that and praying, I could feel the anger and emotion leave my body. It was a good feeling and I'm thankful for an answered prayer. Please keep little Myshelle Elizabeth's family in your thoughts and prayers. They are beginning a very long and painful journey.
Each month I add another number and I get farther and farther from that day when it all changed. He's now been gone twice as long as he lived. That hurts my heart.
For the most part, I'm doing okay. I have more "moments" than "days"... if that makes sense. I don't remember the last time I had a "bad day" all day. I struggle with moments of sadness, anger, guilt, etc... but not whole days. That makes me... unsure. Unsure about where I am on this journey. I know people say that grief has no timetable and that we all respond and grieve in our own way, but I can't help but wonder if I'm doing it "right". Am I at the right stage, at the appropriate time? Am I missing him less than I should? Am I missing him too much? Does my mind spend too much or too little time wondering, wishing that he were here?
He would be 3 months old, if he were here. I wonder if he would've been a happy, smiley, content baby (like his brother) or would he have been a cranky, colicky baby? I try not to idolize him because I know he wouldn't have been perfect. I try to be realistic. If he were here, I'd be complaining of the lack of sleep, etc. I'm not stupid, I still remember those early days of Cameron's infancy. I had horrible migraines... which I learned, in my case, are only triggered by lack of sleep. I never had them before Cameron and have had very few since he began sleeping through the night.
Here's some pictures of Cameron that were taken from 1 to 3 months old... just because I feel the need to share him. ♥ I miss these days... (There is a back, play and forward button at the bottom, if you scroll over the picture.)
I found out over the weekend, via Facebook, that my former supervisor's great-granddaughter passed away on Friday, March 16th. My heart instantly reached out, silently across miles and time, to her and her family. The baby was 5 months old. Her name was Myshelle Elizabeth. From what I understand, they are thinking it was SIDS. This is the picture on her obituary. Beautiful, isn't she?
I'm embarrassed to admit now, after seeing this precious girl's picture, I let anger take control of my emotions for far too long that day. The reaction people had, at work, infuriated me. If I hadn't rode to work with my mom that day, I would've left... that's how mad I was. They expressed so much compassion and sympathy for her and her family. They had a card going around as I walked in the door.
Yes, I know it was nice and the right thing for them to do. I know that the world doesn't revolve around me but it was a sting to the face. (Not quite a slap in the face.) The card I received was over a month after I lost Nathan and had already been back to work for over a week. It really felt like an "Opps, we forgot... I guess we should get a card" kinda thing. It really bothers me how differently people view and react to miscarriages vs. stillbirth and infant death. What made her 5 months on this Earth more important, more "worthy" than my son's 4 months in my womb? It just bothers me and I think always will... more than it should.
I got online, via my cell phone, and put in a prayer request on one of my support boards that night. I didn't explain the situation. I just told them that my emotions and thoughts needed a lot of help and prayers. Then I prayed, harder than I've prayed in a while... another thing I'm embarrassed of. I don't like letting anger take over me. I don't like the way it feels... especially a situation like that. I'm sitting here, angry at people for treating her death differently than's Nathan... yet, I'm doing the same thing. Losses can't be compared, yet I'm comparing.
The amazing thing is, that within 15-20 minutes of posting that and praying, I could feel the anger and emotion leave my body. It was a good feeling and I'm thankful for an answered prayer. Please keep little Myshelle Elizabeth's family in your thoughts and prayers. They are beginning a very long and painful journey.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
YAMC "Rant"
The days just seem to be blurring together. Every time I think of posting, I'm nowhere near a computer. By the time I'm in front of the computer, my brain is mush and my thoughts are all jumbled together. Some days, I just prefer to read and "like" other people's blog posts.
I had a meeting with the hospital last Wednesday. I met with another baby loss mom, Crystal (We went to high school together. She endured two losses last year, her son was born still at 40+ weeks in March and her daughter was born still at 20 weeks in November.) Mary, from Heartstrings (a local support organization) also met with us. Together, we all met with the hospital's chaplain (since nobody has officially take over the position at the hospital). The lady in charge, who I spoke with last year, retired at the end of the year.
I guess it went okay. I think there will be some changes in how they handle losses. How much, I don't know but they seemed open to the ideas that Mary offered, including a training program for the staff. However, I don't know if we're going to be able to break through the "red tape" and have our memory boxes distributed there. (Which is crazy, I know.) 'Here... we'd like to give these items to you to give to your patients, for free.' 'Oh, no thanks... we can't take them.' Really?!?!? (They didn't say that... but it's how I'm starting to feel.) I'm trying to stay positive but I just don't know.
She called and left me a voicemail on Monday and asked me to call her back on Wednesday... so I'll try and call her tomorrow. She mentioned that there were a few items in the boxes that they were interested in and she wanted to find out the cost associated with them. Maybe I'm being sensitive or too dramatic about it... but it kinda hurt my feelings. It kinda felt like a slap in the face. I mean, really, what difference does it make how much it cost? I'm not selling anything to the hospital... I'm donating it. (Of course the outfits, hats, blankets and pouches have been made by friends, but still... you get my point... these items are being donating by our project.) Yes, I want our business card or note card attached with those donations because if nobody ever knows about our project... who will help us maintain the donations? How will those parents make contact with other parents just like them? We have several wonderful resources on our site and I want them shared. Is that wrong... to ask that we be associated with our donation? (big sigh)
I'm really bummed. I see other organizations and they seem to have so much support and love from those around them. I have a very few select number of people who've stepped up and offered any kind of support for this project. If you are one of those people, I love you and am so thankful! If you're not, this isn't meant to be a guilt trip... just an observation! ;-)
We have Relay for Life going on at work and people have been selling baked goods, etc to raise money. Literally, every single day, for almost a month now... I've had to walk in there and hear about it. "We're selling this... the money is for Relay for Life." Before you beat me up, I KNOW that Relay for Life and cancer support/awareness are important. I'm just bummed because THIS is important to me. I "borrowed" Melissa's idea (from Mikayla's Grace) and began a flower fundraiser. (http://www.flowerpowerfundraising.com/campaign?campaign_id=10289) I placed the booklets in each locker room almost two weeks ago and not one single person has ordered or asked anything about them. It's really frustrating to feel alone, like nobody cares.
I had a meeting with the hospital last Wednesday. I met with another baby loss mom, Crystal (We went to high school together. She endured two losses last year, her son was born still at 40+ weeks in March and her daughter was born still at 20 weeks in November.) Mary, from Heartstrings (a local support organization) also met with us. Together, we all met with the hospital's chaplain (since nobody has officially take over the position at the hospital). The lady in charge, who I spoke with last year, retired at the end of the year.
I guess it went okay. I think there will be some changes in how they handle losses. How much, I don't know but they seemed open to the ideas that Mary offered, including a training program for the staff. However, I don't know if we're going to be able to break through the "red tape" and have our memory boxes distributed there. (Which is crazy, I know.) 'Here... we'd like to give these items to you to give to your patients, for free.' 'Oh, no thanks... we can't take them.' Really?!?!? (They didn't say that... but it's how I'm starting to feel.) I'm trying to stay positive but I just don't know.
She called and left me a voicemail on Monday and asked me to call her back on Wednesday... so I'll try and call her tomorrow. She mentioned that there were a few items in the boxes that they were interested in and she wanted to find out the cost associated with them. Maybe I'm being sensitive or too dramatic about it... but it kinda hurt my feelings. It kinda felt like a slap in the face. I mean, really, what difference does it make how much it cost? I'm not selling anything to the hospital... I'm donating it. (Of course the outfits, hats, blankets and pouches have been made by friends, but still... you get my point... these items are being donating by our project.) Yes, I want our business card or note card attached with those donations because if nobody ever knows about our project... who will help us maintain the donations? How will those parents make contact with other parents just like them? We have several wonderful resources on our site and I want them shared. Is that wrong... to ask that we be associated with our donation? (big sigh)
I'm really bummed. I see other organizations and they seem to have so much support and love from those around them. I have a very few select number of people who've stepped up and offered any kind of support for this project. If you are one of those people, I love you and am so thankful! If you're not, this isn't meant to be a guilt trip... just an observation! ;-)
We have Relay for Life going on at work and people have been selling baked goods, etc to raise money. Literally, every single day, for almost a month now... I've had to walk in there and hear about it. "We're selling this... the money is for Relay for Life." Before you beat me up, I KNOW that Relay for Life and cancer support/awareness are important. I'm just bummed because THIS is important to me. I "borrowed" Melissa's idea (from Mikayla's Grace) and began a flower fundraiser. (http://www.flowerpowerfundraising.com/campaign?campaign_id=10289) I placed the booklets in each locker room almost two weeks ago and not one single person has ordered or asked anything about them. It's really frustrating to feel alone, like nobody cares.
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