7 Months

7 months... how has it been 7 months? Almost 7 months the exact hour/minute, to be exact. He was born at 2:32am and it's 2:18am as I type this. I'm still trying to figure out how my days are getting "easier". I don't cry every day... sometimes not every week. But the guilt is still hard. It gets harder as time goes on. I'll go through my day, laugh, smile. But I'm reminded many times throughout the day, that he's still gone. The guilt robs me of every happy moment I know I should be having. The guilt of living while he isn't. The guilt of enjoying things and moments when I know he never will. I keep waiting for that imaginary day when everything will be okay again and all of this pain will vanish. I'm sure that, from the outside, I look fine... like I've got it all together. If only they could see that, on the inside, I'm still so very broken.

It's after midnight which means it's officially February 21st... a bittersweet day. My baby boy should've been turning 2 months old. Instead, we'll be celebrating his big brother's 4th birthday without him. See... I can't even talk about Cameron's special day without feeling like I have to include Nathan. I feel bad for leaving him out. (big sigh)

We had Cameron's birthday party this weekend. He had a good time and I think it turned out nicely. He decided that he wanted a pirate party. I had so many cute ideas but it's hard to plan a party in February. You never know what the weather will be like. Last year, it was so nice that we rented 2 bounce houses for the yard. This year, it was supposed to be cold and rainy so I skipped the fun outdoor stuff. Well, of course, the day of the party is was gorgeous and 62 degrees. But by that night, it had dropped into the 30's and started snowing. We got about 1"... our first snow of the year. Sadly, it was gone before we even got up the next morning.

Allen quit his job 3 weeks ago... so things have been crazy, to say the least. It's been brewing for months. I guess I just didn't realize he was so serious about it. I can't wait for our tax refund to arrive. We're using it to pay off some bills. I'm hoping that it'll be a huge weight off my shoulders. It's scary being to only one who is supporting the family. I don't really care if he works or not... as long as we can get by. Cameron is getting used to having us both home during the day. I have to say... it's nice having someone to watch Cameron in the mornings if I need some extra sleep. Especially on the nights when I work over for a 10-12 hour shift and don't get off until midnight or 2:30am. He has an appointment for March 2nd with the community college to see about going back for his GED. I'm trying to stay positive but not to get my hopes up. I've heard it too many times over the years, about him wanting to go back and get his GED... but he never actually follows through. We'll see...

A Sign

I've read so many stories about people getting "signs" from their angel and I have to admit, they made me a tad bit jealous. However, I finally got mine... almost 7 months after losing Nathan. Wednesday night, I was coming out of work and looked up at the moon. It was gorgeous! It was so clear and bright, it looked like someone had turned a nightlight on outside. I looked up at the moon and said, "God, please let Nathan know that I'm thinking of him and that I love him and miss him." I walked across the parking lot and as I was approaching my car, I hit my remote to unlock my doors. My inside lights came on and I got in. I closed my door and all the lights went off except the one in the back, trunk area of my SUV. None of the lights were on, on my dashboard, indicating that any of my doors were ajar. I got out and walked to the back and opened my trunk door. It has a stay on mode (the light stays on until you turn it off), a door mode (comes on when the doors are open and turns off when the doors close) and an off mode. Somehow, the light was switched to the stay on mode but it wasn't on when I walked to my car. ??? I'm taking that as a sign from Nathan... that he heard me. ♥♥♥