Well, it's the official end of 2011. It's definitely not how I thought it would end. I figured I'd be up nursing a newborn, waiting for the ball to drop. I keep waiting to wake up on January 1st and have someone tell me that this is all just a horrible dream. I'll wake up and look beside the bed, and see Nathan sleeping in a bassinet. I saw a friend's posting today. She delivered her baby boy yesterday... on Nathan's official due date. I couldn't help the sinking feeling in my stomach and quickening of my heart. Seeing the pictures of her adorable little boy... that should be me. The picture of her older son wearing the big brother shirt and smiling with pride... that should have been Cameron. (big sigh) But it's not. I don't know that I'll ever get to a place where I'll be able to let go of the "should be's". I think my mind will always wonder what should've been.

I got an amazing gift in the mail Thursday, the day before Nathan's due date. A gift that I really needed. I volunteered to work on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday of last week. I worked 1st shift, with people from all three shifts... who also volunteered. For some reason, most of the talk was about babies. (Yes, this is my life now. The girl who silently endures baby talk and cries on the inside.) I had a co-worker ask if I'd heard that she was expecting. I said, "No, I didn't. Congratulations." She said, "I cried. I'm not ready for another baby. My daughter isn't even one yet." Okay, she's entitled to her feelings but why would she feel the need to tell me that? If she's looking for sympathy for her feelings... she's out of luck. I can't give any. I'm crying because I'm not pregnant and my child is dead.

Anyway, I came home Thursday... so glad for the week to be over and ready to get past December 30th. I noticed a box on the kitchen counter. I opened it up and was instantly overwhelmed with emotion. I stood in the kitchen and just cried, as I read the letter enclosed. (I still get teary eyed typing this, thinking about it.) I haven't even been able to blog about it or thank her. (I guess I need to at least email and let her know I did receive it, huh?) I received the package from another baby loss mom, "N". A mom who, over the last several months, has become a cherished friend. A friend who lives on the opposite side of the country. For some reason, the women that I connect with and become friends with online... all live miles and miles away. In a way, it makes me sad because the chances that I will ever meet these wonderful women, in person, is slim. :-(

I was touched, honored and blessed at the thought behind the package. When I looked inside, I found a beautiful, handwritten letter explaining the items enclosed. She has been blessed to be stationed in a beautiful place surrounded by islands. She has a special, quiet place that she goes to when she needs to be alone and think about her babies. Since I can't be there with her, she wanted to give me a small piece of her place. She sent me pebbles, rocks and sticks from the beach.

It cracks me up to read this because if you had seen me trying to get that paper out of the vase, you would've been on the floor laughing. I had the end of two forks, trying to grasp it, without knocking the vase over. I tried everything I could think of. It took me a good 10 minutes to get it out. LOL

I told Allen that I'd like to save up the money to buy a glass curio cabinet. I never thought I'd ever have many things for Nathan but I'm gathering quite the collection. I went to place this box on his shelf, in my bedroom, and found myself telling him (Nathan) that I'd have to get him a new place to put all his things, so they could be displayed.

I thought it was so cool that I could still smell the ocean on the stick. I "plugged" the vase with a piece of tissue... hoping that I'll be able to hold onto the smell a bit longer.

On the way back to her car, she saw this rock. It looks like a half of a heart. She said she thought of Nathan and I, when she saw it. I like to think that Nathan placed it there for her to find. I have one half and the other half is floating in the Pacific ocean somewhere. I can't see the other half, just like I can't see Nathan... but I know it (and he) is out there somewhere just waiting to find me and my half of the heart rock. ♥

Here's the picture she took during her Christmas vacation. I was so touched that she remembered my sweet boy...

I really wish I wasn't a part of this "Baby Loss Club" but since I am... I'm AMAZINGLY blessed to have met some wonderful people on this journey. They will never know the impact they've made, not only in my life... but the life of my husband and family also. I received an ornament and card, through an ornament exchange, I signed up for back in November. I think reading the note that mom sent me and reading the letter "N" sent me, my husband has really started to understand where I'm coming from and what I need (as far as support).

This is what I posted on my Facebook page tonight...

Dear Family and Friends,

I know that this year has been a difficult one for many of us. I pray that the pain and heartache of 2011 will be washed away. With a new year approaching, my hope is that your life will be filled with love, good health and the blessing of good friends. I pray that illnesses with be healed, hearts will be a little less broken, and that family and friends will make peace with each other. Life is much too short. Live it full and without regrets, whenever possible.

With much love,
Crystal ♥

Strange

I had the weirdest thing happen last night. The dog got a hold of Nathan's stocking and chewed it. I was so mad and upset. Allen told me not to be, that we needed to get him a real stocking anyway (like ours). He said we'd have him an embroidered one, like ours, for next year. That's what I wanted for this year but just didn't have a chance to get it. However, that's not the point. The point is that that was his first stocking... Cameron and I made it for his first Christmas. (I did the glue and Cameron did the glitter.) All of our stockings have been hanging for a couple weeks now. I have no clue why Max decided to get it and why only Nathan's.

Anyway, I was going to throw it away and then thought... no. Even if it's messed up, it's still his. I folded it and placed it on "his" bookshelf, where his urn and memory box are. When I went to bed last night, it was laying on my bed. It was on my side, towards the foot of the bed. Cameron couldn't have reached it and Allen doesn't go on that side of the room and he doesn't mess with Nathan's stuff.

I picked it up and put it back on the shelf and kissed Nathan's urn, like I do every night. I'm perplexed as to how it got there.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, Nathan! ♥♥♥ I can only imagine how wonderful it is celebrating your 1st Christmas and Jesus' birthday with your PawPaw, uncles, cousin and other family members in Heaven. (Nathan's Christmas Tree was written in the sand by CarlyMarie on Christian's Beach at Mullaloo Point in Western Australia. http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com)

Crappy Day

This sucks. I'm so pissed. I can't even stop to tears today. They flow without caring that I don't want them. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I want an easy button. Where's that damn Staples commercial when you need it?!?! I don't know that I even have the energy or willpower to try and fake it today.

I'm trying so hard to get through this crap without letting it completely destroy my family... but man, it's hard. Somehow in the last five months, we've gone from a pretty happy... not perfect, Hallmark happy... but happy enough family to one that is snappy and depressing.

Cameron has been horrible the last couple weeks. I realize part of it may be is age and a phase that he's going through. However, I think the majority of it is coming from everything going on around him. I try so hard not to cry and be sad around him but I'm not a very good actress. I can't pretend that everything is fabulous 24/7. I have my moments of weakness. Unfortunately, here lately those moments have appeared when Cameron is acting out and my patience is thin. I've turned into a horrible mom. I can't but wonder if it's why God took Nathan... because he saw that I wouldn't be a very good mom to 2 children. Maybe he saw that I wouldn't have had enough patience, time or attention. I feel so much like I'm being punished. Trouble is... I don't know what I've done that's bad enough to deserve this.

I know Allen is hurting, in his own weird way. He's lost a lot this year also. Even though he didn't see Nathan... he still lost a son. He's lost a part of his wife. He sits by and has to watch me go through this. He's lost his dad. He's having to watch his mom, grieve and miss him. I can't imagine how helpless he must feel, knowing that there isn't a damn thing he can do for either of us.

This is not how it was supposed to be. We aren't bad people. We don't deserve this. Not that anyone does... but today I'm being selfish and this post is about me and my family.

What Now?

Well, it's officially December 22nd. I survived. I'm still breathing. The world didn't stop just because he isn't here. What was supposed to be Nathan's special day has come and gone. What now? What the hell am I supposed to do now? I don't know where to go from here.

It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was mostly numb. Right now, as I'm typing this... it's the first time I've cried since I woke up December 21st. I knew what the day was and, of course, throughout the entire day... I would catch myself thinking, "I'd be out of the OR by now"... "I'd be holding him right now"... We would've already introduced him to Cameron by now". As I was eating dinner, all I could think about was the fact that I should be eating hospital food.

I'm blank... my mind is blank. I honestly, have no clue where to go from here. I wasn't even sure about coming on here and blogging tonight because there is absolutely nothing on my mind other than a huge question mark.

I miss him so much but I realized, as the clock struck midnight a little while ago, nothing is going to bring him back. There will never be a date or milestone or anniversary where anything is going to change. He is gone forever. That stabs my heart like a knife. I mean, it isn't like I didn't already know that, but I guess just the finality of getting past all the "milestones" and past his due dates... makes it really real.

We stayed mostly low key today... hanging out around the house. Cameron has been fighting a cold and today he was just NOT listening. I was trying so hard not to yell or snap at him because I didn't want to take my sadness and mood out on him. As much as he probably didn't deserve it, because of his ugly behavior, we took him to Build-A-Bear. When we first got pregnant, we told him that once we found out the sex of the baby... he could build it a bear. We were walking through the mall one day, after we'd lost Nathan, and he saw the BAB store. He asked if he could still build his brother a bear, even though he wasn't here with us. We said yes, that we'd take him later. I told Allen that I wanted to take him on Nathan's "special day"... December 21st. So, off we went today. Before I came on here, I actually went in his room to check on him. He's got his bear snuggled up beside him. I wish I could get a picture without waking him up... it's cute.

This picture slideshow made with Smilebox

I'll post more about finishing up our tree and all in another post. It's after 2am... and I have to be up for my therapy appointment at 9am. She broke her knee so it's been awhile since I've had a session. We shall see where all this goes, I guess...

5 Months

Today should've been so different. Today was the day Nathan should've been born. Instead, today marks his 5 month angelversary. Thank you so much to everyone for all the thoughts and prayers today. They were very much needed and sincerely appreciated.

My sweet Nathan, I love you and I miss you! I wish so badly that today was the day I was holding you in my arms for the first time. Even though we go on each day, trying to adjust to this new normal... don't think for one second that you will ever be forgotten. Every smile, every laugh... they will be for you. I will try my best to make you proud and make new memories and enjoy new experiences, since you can't. On my bad days, when I missing you even more, I will close my eyes and remember holding you. That is a gift that I will forever be thankful for... the chance to hold you and tell you how much you were loved and wanted. Love forever and always, Mommy ♥

The Week

Since it's after midnight... here it is. "The" week. The week I've been dreading since that horrible day I heard myself ask, "You can't find a heartbeat can you?" The tears are forming as I type this. Thinking about it is one thing. Typing it, speaking it... makes it real. I knew this week would come but now that it's here... I just don't know... the words are lost on me. I've been unsure of how I'm going to feel and muddle through it. Even now, I don't know how I'm going to manage the week. I guess just one minute at a time, one day at a time.

I've been "counting" down to this week and now that it's here and I know I won't be bringing a baby home... I don't know what to do with the feelings surrounding the "anticipation" of the week. Even after losing him, I didn't know what to do with the "countdown". Its like New Year's Eve. You know that nothing is really going to change when the clocks strikes midnight... but you count down anyway. I've known since July that nothing was going to change but I still countdown. I still look at the calendar every Friday and know that I should be "X" weeks pregnant. I suppose, come January, I will begin the "birthday count"... my son should be "X" days/weeks/months/years old now. For the rest of my life, I will have a child missing. For the rest of my life, I will be counting for a little boy who never will.

This week should have been the week my son was born. This is my pregnancy ticker today. It's not public and hasn't been since I lost Nathan. I did keep it active though, on the Liliypie website.

Friday should've been my last day of work. That detail hit me as I caught a glimpse of the calendar on my locker at work, as I was leaving. It was a little bit emotional pulling out of the parking lot Friday night, thinking about it. Even though Nathan's official due date was December 30th... I think I'll always consider December 21st his due date. I should be preparing for my scheduled c-section this coming Wednesday. My son should've been entering the world on Wednesday, December 21, 2011. My OB and I discussed the options and were going to finalize the "plan" as I got closer to my due date. He said they don't normally induce or schedule c-sections before 39 weeks. However, with the Christmas holiday... he said they'd be able to "play" with the dates. I told him I wanted December 21st for a few reasons. Allen was born on August 21 and Cameron was born on February 21. I like that all "my guys" are 21sters. (Little did I know, Nathan would still end up a 21ster... just not December.)

I figured if I had him on the 21st... we'd be out of the hospital and home in time for Christmas. What would be better than waking up Christmas morning with an almost 4 year old and 4 day old in my arms? Oh, what I wouldn't give to have that be a reality. Instead, I'll plaster on a smile and try to make happy memories with my older son on Christmas morning. I will swallow the pain and heartache of missing Nathan. I will put my feelings aside for my surviving child. I will swallow the lump in my throat, hold back the tears... and smile as I "ohhh" and "ahhh" over my precious Cameron. When I think of all I've lost this year... I can't help but think of all he's lost. My heart breaks almost as much for him as for myself. He has had a really tough year, since July. A three year shouldn't have to go through as much as he has. He's lost his little brother, a part of his mommy and his PawPaw... all within the last 4 months or so.

We've had to say goodbye to 2 people this year. Having to say goodbye to my son in July, and then again, to my father-in-law (who I've known since I was 14) in December... really makes me question life. The older I get, I find myself aware of the fact that I've turned into my mom and that she has turned into my grandmother. Before long, I'll turn around and find myself in the grandmother position... closer to death. It really makes me question what my purpose is here... while I'm alive and on this Earth. I used to be terrified of death. While, I'm not in a hurry to expire... I don't fear it like I used to. It brings me a sense of comfort to know that my son is waiting for me, when it's my time to join him. (I am going to send an angel in front of you, to guard you on the way and to bring you to the place that I have prepared. - Exodus 23:20) Part of me doesn't really care about my purpose because, really... I have no control over it anyway. THAT is the part I struggle with. I used to have this fabulous illusion that life was what I made it. How naive was I? I see other people, living their lives, blissfully unaware how just how quick it can all go wrong. I'm jealous of them. I've been where they are and I miss it. Sadly, my experience will never allow me that blindness again. I am forever changed.

I will forever be the mom of two boys. It's sad to think of how different the future will be for them. THIS is what I don't think people understand. When you lose a baby, it's not just for that moment or that year. It's forever. You lose all of the "what if's" and all the dreams for the future with that child.

I will watch one son grow up. I held him in my arms the day he was born and promised to love him until the day I die. I saw his first smile, first steps and first birthday. I'll see him off on his first day of Kindergarten. I'll cringe and worry when he gets his first set of car keys. I'll watch with tears and pride as he graduates high school and, hopefully, college. I will cut the strings and try to bravely let go as he ventures out into the world. Perhaps, he'll marry and have children someday. These are all things I look forward to when I think of Cameron.

When I think of Nathan, I think of all of those exact same things. The difference is in the wording. There is only one sentence, in bold, that is the same as Cameron's.

I will never watch one son grow up. I held him in my arms the day he was born and promised to love him until the day I die. I'll never see his first smile, first steps and first birthday. I'll never see him off on his first day of Kindergarten. I'll never cringe and worry when he gets his first set of car keys. I'll never watch with tears and pride as he graduates high school and, hopefully, college. I will never be able to cut the strings and try to bravely let go as he ventures out into the world. He'll never marry and have children someday.

I can't believe it's been almost 5 months since I held him. God, how I miss him. I wish so badly I could go back to that night. I would take the pain and heartache all over again, just to hold him and tell him I love him. I dread this milestone but I pray that getting past it will be one step closer to healing. I know that this hole in my heart will never be completely gone but slowly, Lord... I hope and pray... slowly it will get smaller.

Dealing with Loss

I've been struggling, in my mind, over the last few weeks. I'll go over, in my head, what I want to blog about but by the time I'm actually in front of the computer... the notions are gone and my mind is elsewhere. I struggle to keep up with my thoughts and emotions here lately. They change, bounce and jump so fast. I never know how I'm going to feel from one minute to the next. (Hence the reason I tend to jump around with my blogging also. Sorry!) I can be having a "good" day and the smallest thing can trigger my emotions. I hate how this feels. It sucks. This is NOT who I am... this is NOT who I want to be. I would give anything to go back to being that naive girl on July 18, 2011. I do NOT want to be grieving. I wish I could just simply miss my son... without all the other crap that comes with grieving the loss a baby during pregnancy. The need to explain how I feel, why I feel, etc. The guilt, the emotions... all of it. I truly wonder, sometimes, if this is a tiny bit of how it feels to have multiple personalities.

Part of me feels like people think I'm obsessing and need to "get over it" and then part of me, doesn't really care what they think. There is NO possible way to make someone understand how horrible this is. It's a nightmare place to be. I want someone to know what I'm going through because I don't want to be the only one going through it. I don't want to be alone. But on the flip side, I don't want anyone to understand because this is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. I wish nobody else had to endure this pain and heartache.

I've been following along with the many news stories, etc... on the loss of the Duggars 20th baby. A little girl that they named Jubilee. Reading articles like the one TMZ wrote and seeing all the horrible comments people have been posting... it's no wonder some of us feel like "freaks" and hold our pain and loss inside. Society is not kind to people like us... people who've lost a baby.

But then I read articles like the ones below, and it validates my feelings. Yes, it's okay to grieve and miss my son however I need to. What seems morbid or obsessive to some, may be just what someone else needs to heal. I wish the whole world would read these articles and then maybe, just maybe... we could begin to heal PUBLICLY! Our baby's brief lives would be validated and we could focus on healing instead of trying to make people acknowledge our loss. These are great articles about miscarriage and what we can learn from the Duggar's recent loss. I hope that someday all women feel they can openly grieve the loss of their babies (at any gestation). Miscarriage should not be something that families have to deal with privately, with no support. It does not have to be a silent grief.

* Learning from Michelle Duggar
* Why did the Duggars photograph a stillborn baby?
* Open Letter to the Duggars

Pregnant Women

I really wish I could get to a place of peace, resolution or whatever. I hate feeling like this but I don't know how to stop. I thought I was having a pretty decent day today. I stopped and got something to eat on the way to work this afternoon. I was standing there, waiting for my food, when I looked up and noticed a woman (facing away from me) sliding out of her booth. She looked like any other person... until she stood up and turned around. BOOM... big, huge belly. I mean she looked like she was ready to deliver. I just looked up at the ceiling and was like 'Really, God? I needed that reminder. Thanks.' :-( Then, I was at work tonight and a co-worker (who is expecting a boy in early May) was standing in front of me, while I was talking to another co-worker (who she was standing beside of). She stood there rubbing her belly the ENTIRE time. I realize that it may have been out of habit or unintentional... but it really irritated me. It was like 'Really?!?! Do I need a reminder slapped in my face that YOU are pregnant!?!?!' (At about the same gestation I was when I lost Nathan, as a matter of fact.) I realize that the world is full of pregnant people and I have to learn to live with that. I just wish it didn't hurt so much to see them. It makes me wonder... how many times, when I was pregnant with my older son and/or Nathan, did I pass a mother who was grieving for her baby? How many women looked at my pregnant belly and happy smile and cried inside? It really makes you think about the people you pass or come in contact with. How many people did I see or pass today... who are experiencing the worst day of their life?

Tough Day

It's been a really tough day. It feels like everything is crumbling around me. My father-in-law just passed away on December 7th. My mother-in-law is struggling. After 50 years of marriage, she is alone and heartbroken. Last night was her first night alone. My sister-in-law has stayed with her since my father-in-law passed but has returned home. She slept on the couch at her house last night and has cried off and on all day today. I feel so helpless. Nathan was supposed to be born on December 21st via scheduled c-section and I was supposed to have my remaining tube tied. He was supposed to be our last baby. I should be opening gifts on Christmas morning with an almost 4 year old and a 4 day old. We haven't bought a tree or decorated. We've bought some gifts for our older son but anything beyond that... I think is going to be a stretch. Nathan's original due date was December 30th. My mom is having eye surgery tomorrow. She is going to have to stay face down for 10 days afterwards. I'm struggling with Nathan's dates coming up, my father-in-law's passing, my mom having to rely on me for everything, working, taking care of my older son, being there for my husband, etc... I will be so glad when January gets here. I'm praying that next year will be a better year.

Surrounded by Death

I feel like I'm surrounded by death. My father-in-law got to meet Nathan in Heaven on Wednesday morning. He passed away a little after 3am. We are having the viewing tomorrow, well... today since it's after midnight. The funeral is going to be Saturday. I'm exhausted so I'm going to make this posting quick. I know I haven't mentioned much about him being sick so I'll go into details in a later post.

Allen and I have been talking today and I have to say... I am honestly as peace with his decision to not be there and see Nathan. He went into detail today, as to why he made that decision. My husband amazes me more and more everyday. I love him so very much. I don't think he'll ever know how much today's conversation meant to me.

Today was very emotional. I went and bought Cameron's yearly ornament... so I went ahead and looked for something for Nathan. I couldn't help it... the tears starting falling before I could stop them when I saw the Baby's 1st Christmas ornaments. I couldn't help but think "Those are the ones I should be buying!" I looked and didn't see anything I liked. Hallmark really doesn't make an ornament for Baby's 1st Christmas in Heaven. I was almost ready to just say forget it. I was walking to the register to check out and I saw the Snowbabies and Precious Moments shelves. I went over to look and saw his ornament. It's an Angel Snowbaby with a star holding a little sign that says "2011". It has a small bird on its shoulder. My mother-in-law said she wanted a bird ornament to remember my father-in-law because like a bird... he is now free. (Cameron picked out a blue bird one for her.) I couldn't believe how perfect this ornament was. It's got both of them (Nathan and Richard) together! I was crying and so upset by the experience, I grabbed the bag and walked out of the store and forgot to sign the receipt. The lady had the "chase" me down in the mall "hall" outside the store to sign it.