It's been 3 months... shouldn't I be crying less, missing him less? It seems like the more time that passes, the harder it is. I'm starting to have good days but the emotional ones are creeping back in. I think it's because I'm getting closer to my due date... or what should've been my due date. I should be 31 weeks pregnant and getting ready to welcome my baby boy into the world in less than 8 weeks.
Last night, I started crying at work. It's the first time I've done it and not been able to stop myself. I'm normally so good at the "Doing good. How are you?" response and the fake, plastered smile. It's become my trademark and I've come close to perfecting it. Luckily, since I work second shift, the office staff is gone. I took my work and went into the conference room so nobody would see me. Later in the night, I ran into a co-worker who lost her young adult son in a car accident last year. She asked me how I was doing and it just went from there. We were both still standing in the hallway 45 minutes later crying and talking, totally oblivious to the people walking past us. I saw the uncomfortable looks as they passed by but at that very moment... I didn't even care if they saw me cry. We both confided some things in each other and just took the time to miss our boys. It felt really good to talk to someone at that very moment. She didn't change the subject, she didn't walk away, she didn't pacify the situation and tell me everything would be okay. She simply held me, let me talk and cry and I'm thankful to her for that.
I came across the link below tonight, via a friend, on Facebook. I truly believe it was exactly what I needed to read tonight. I'm still struggling with my feelings towards God and I think I will be for a long time. But I'll get there. I know He's patient and understanding. He can take my temper tantrums and occasional silent treatment. He's not finished with me yet.
http://internetcafedevotions.com/2011/10/the-jesus-card/
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Reality
Today was hard... harder than I thought it was going to be. Today is the first day I've had to be around a pregnant woman for an extended amount of time. But not just any random pregnant woman... one of Cameron's classmate's mom, who just happens to be due 4 days after I was. I knew this day would come and I thought I was prepared and okay. Cameron had a field trip with his preschool class to the pumpkin patch. I feel horrible because I couldn't just suck it up and enjoy the day with Cameron. I was so focused on trying to fake being okay and holding back my tears. I kept my back to her most of the morning but I still overheard the multiple comments from other parents and pumpkin patch staff. When are you due? What are you having? How have you been feeling? Have you picked out a name? I tried my best to stay away from her and enjoy the time with Cameron but it seemed like God was picking on me because I got stuck sitting in front on her on the hayride. A hayride I thought would never end. Then, while they were heading for the snack table, Cameron had to go potty. Well, by the time we got back the only spot left was... yeap, you guessed it... across the table from her and her son.
Some days I really seem to be okay and getting used to this "new normal" but its days like today that slap me in the face. This grieving thing sucks. I hate it. I don't want it anymore. I wish I could be a child and lay in the floor and throw a temper tantrum and make it all go away. I want to be the one people ask those questions to. I want to be the fat girl with the round belly who blends in with the big round pumpkins.
I want my baby. I miss him so much. Will this raw, hurt feeling every go away? How many more times am I going to have to endure that knife-life feeling in my heart? I wish I could just close the curtains and hide under the covers. I wish that I could spend the rest of the afternoon, lost in a dream. A dream where I'm still pregnant and all is right with the world. Unfortunately, I have to leave for work here soon. So, once again... I'll plaster on my smile, wipe away my tears and pretend everything is okay.
Some days I really seem to be okay and getting used to this "new normal" but its days like today that slap me in the face. This grieving thing sucks. I hate it. I don't want it anymore. I wish I could be a child and lay in the floor and throw a temper tantrum and make it all go away. I want to be the one people ask those questions to. I want to be the fat girl with the round belly who blends in with the big round pumpkins.
I want my baby. I miss him so much. Will this raw, hurt feeling every go away? How many more times am I going to have to endure that knife-life feeling in my heart? I wish I could just close the curtains and hide under the covers. I wish that I could spend the rest of the afternoon, lost in a dream. A dream where I'm still pregnant and all is right with the world. Unfortunately, I have to leave for work here soon. So, once again... I'll plaster on my smile, wipe away my tears and pretend everything is okay.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
2012 Calendar
After yesterday, I guess God and Nathan knew I needed something to be positive and hopeful about. I received an email this morning from CarlyMarie at the 'Lost for Words' website. My quote was chosen to be included in her 2012 calendar.
My therapist and I were talking and I was trying to explain how I felt. People are telling me to move on, try again, don't become obsessive, etc. I sat for a minute and this quote just came to me. It's the only way I can explain how I feel. Its like I have no choice in the matter. He's embedded into who I am... I can't just "choose" to move on or forget him.
A few days later, I noticed that CarlyMarie and Franchesca were accepting quotes to be considered for their 2012 calendar. I honestly didn't think it would be chosen... I just wanted to share. I'm honored to be a part of this wonderful calendar. My quote is on the September 2012 page. You can click here to see the page.
Here's the link to view and/or purchase CarlyMarie and Franchesca's calendars... http://lostforwordscardline.com/
My therapist and I were talking and I was trying to explain how I felt. People are telling me to move on, try again, don't become obsessive, etc. I sat for a minute and this quote just came to me. It's the only way I can explain how I feel. Its like I have no choice in the matter. He's embedded into who I am... I can't just "choose" to move on or forget him.
A few days later, I noticed that CarlyMarie and Franchesca were accepting quotes to be considered for their 2012 calendar. I honestly didn't think it would be chosen... I just wanted to share. I'm honored to be a part of this wonderful calendar. My quote is on the September 2012 page. You can click here to see the page.
Here's the link to view and/or purchase CarlyMarie and Franchesca's calendars... http://lostforwordscardline.com/
Friday, October 21, 2011
3 Months
Today marks the 3rd month since Nathan grew his wings. I know I had decided that each month on the 21st, I would have a "Reason to Smile" day with Cameron. However, today I just couldn't muster the energy or strength. I started my period yesterday and it has been a bad one. I even had to bring out the pain pills. It sucks. I shouldn't even be HAVING a period. Today, I should be 30 weeks pregnant.
When does it get better? People keep saying I need to move on... not become "obsessed" with this. Am I obsessed? I'm trying to find a balance between holding onto him and letting go. When will I be able to get through the 21st day of the month without feeling like this?
When does it get better? People keep saying I need to move on... not become "obsessed" with this. Am I obsessed? I'm trying to find a balance between holding onto him and letting go. When will I be able to get through the 21st day of the month without feeling like this?
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Fear and Reality
I came across this post today and I could relate to so much of what she wrote. For me, the hardest part of all this is that nothing is going to change that fact my son isn't here with me. No amount of prayer or explanation is going to make him magically appear. There isn't anything that can be said to make me feel all better. My eyes have been opened to the stark reality of death and I can't close them and pretend it never happened.
People keep asking if we're going to try again. I'm too scared to say yes or no. I feel completely paralyzed with the decision. Before, I figured once you made it past 12 weeks... you were safe. You were out of the first trimester "danger zone". My experience has made it very clear that that isn't the case. 2nd trimester loss is possible. The stories I've read and the people I've met on this baby loss journey, make me realize that we are never "safe". Even if we make it full-term... baby, infant and child loss is still possible. It reminds me of the following saying:
“Making the decision to have a child - It's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." - Elizabeth Stone
Regardless of where your children are, part of you will be with them forever. It isn't possible to become a mother without giving part of yourself away. I gave part of my heart away on June 15, 2007 and again on April 24, 2011, when I found out I was pregnant with each of my boys.
Before I lost Nathan, I had heard of babies and children dying but it always happens to other people... not me. You read the story in the paper or hear about someone a friend knows and think 'I feel so sorry for them. How horrible?!?! I can't imagine...' I've now become that "other person". Sadly, I don't have to imagine. I know how it feels. I know that it can happen... it happened to me.
I have so much fear in letting Cameron out of my sight. Allen can walk Cameron across the road to his parents house and I'm watching out the window to make sure they made it across the road okay. I worried about him before but now, its like I can imagine every horrible scenario. I have to try so hard not to let the fear completely take over. I could try and pretend that I'm now safe. After all, how cruel would it be for me experience the loss of another child. Unfortunately, I know that lightening can strike twice. I could lose Cameron or another baby... I'm not protected or shielded from that. There is nothing about me that makes me special or immune. I know that a child can be taken from me and I feel completely powerless. I hate feeling like I have no control... or at least the illusion of having control.
People keep asking if we're going to try again. I'm too scared to say yes or no. I feel completely paralyzed with the decision. Before, I figured once you made it past 12 weeks... you were safe. You were out of the first trimester "danger zone". My experience has made it very clear that that isn't the case. 2nd trimester loss is possible. The stories I've read and the people I've met on this baby loss journey, make me realize that we are never "safe". Even if we make it full-term... baby, infant and child loss is still possible. It reminds me of the following saying:
“Making the decision to have a child - It's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." - Elizabeth Stone
Regardless of where your children are, part of you will be with them forever. It isn't possible to become a mother without giving part of yourself away. I gave part of my heart away on June 15, 2007 and again on April 24, 2011, when I found out I was pregnant with each of my boys.
Before I lost Nathan, I had heard of babies and children dying but it always happens to other people... not me. You read the story in the paper or hear about someone a friend knows and think 'I feel so sorry for them. How horrible?!?! I can't imagine...' I've now become that "other person". Sadly, I don't have to imagine. I know how it feels. I know that it can happen... it happened to me.
I have so much fear in letting Cameron out of my sight. Allen can walk Cameron across the road to his parents house and I'm watching out the window to make sure they made it across the road okay. I worried about him before but now, its like I can imagine every horrible scenario. I have to try so hard not to let the fear completely take over. I could try and pretend that I'm now safe. After all, how cruel would it be for me experience the loss of another child. Unfortunately, I know that lightening can strike twice. I could lose Cameron or another baby... I'm not protected or shielded from that. There is nothing about me that makes me special or immune. I know that a child can be taken from me and I feel completely powerless. I hate feeling like I have no control... or at least the illusion of having control.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Variety of things...
I've been meaning to come on here but it seems like there are not enough hours in the day. So many things have happened over the last week or so. I don't even remember where to begin so forgive me as I may jump from one subject to the next.
I had a co-worker ask me, last Tuesday, if I would spread the word about another co-worker's baby shower. (They had changed the date.) I realize that I'm not in a room and I have "free access" to other people throughout my building. That said, however, did I REALLY need to be the person to ask? The shower was for the husband because he is in our department. His wife is in another department on the same shift. (Her department threw her a shower the week before.) She and I were about 5-6 weeks apart. Like I wanted to be reminded that they are having a baby shower because she IS still pregnant. Then come to find out... a co-worker I told, forgot about it and I guess some others did too. So guess who got blamed? Yeap, me. I heard that the original co-worker blamed me because I was supposed to let everyone know. WHATEVER!?!?! I know that I put aside my feelings and did what she asked me to do. I wasn't ugly or jealous. Hell, I even bought them a cake and a baby shower gift! I'm truly happy for them but it still hurts to know that I should be going into my 30th week of pregnancy this Friday.
I found out last week that a friend at work is expecting. Apparently, everyone else knew but she was scared to tell me. She didn't want to hurt my feelings. That meant a lot to me. It took everything in me to walk up and give her a hug without crying. I teared up and have to walk away after giving her a hug and telling her congratulations. She's due in May. I should've had a 5 month old by then. :-(
I finally met a fellow baby loss friend. She lost her son a week after I lost Nathan. We met online through a mutual friend. She and I attended our local 'Walk to Remember'. It was a beautiful ceremony.
I got pouches in the mail last week and today from two of my Birth Club friends. They are beautiful!!! I was telling a co-worker about them tonight and she mentioned that she crochets and would love to make some blankets/pouches/hats! Yipee... I'm so excited!!!
I had a co-worker ask me, last Tuesday, if I would spread the word about another co-worker's baby shower. (They had changed the date.) I realize that I'm not in a room and I have "free access" to other people throughout my building. That said, however, did I REALLY need to be the person to ask? The shower was for the husband because he is in our department. His wife is in another department on the same shift. (Her department threw her a shower the week before.) She and I were about 5-6 weeks apart. Like I wanted to be reminded that they are having a baby shower because she IS still pregnant. Then come to find out... a co-worker I told, forgot about it and I guess some others did too. So guess who got blamed? Yeap, me. I heard that the original co-worker blamed me because I was supposed to let everyone know. WHATEVER!?!?! I know that I put aside my feelings and did what she asked me to do. I wasn't ugly or jealous. Hell, I even bought them a cake and a baby shower gift! I'm truly happy for them but it still hurts to know that I should be going into my 30th week of pregnancy this Friday.
I found out last week that a friend at work is expecting. Apparently, everyone else knew but she was scared to tell me. She didn't want to hurt my feelings. That meant a lot to me. It took everything in me to walk up and give her a hug without crying. I teared up and have to walk away after giving her a hug and telling her congratulations. She's due in May. I should've had a 5 month old by then. :-(
I finally met a fellow baby loss friend. She lost her son a week after I lost Nathan. We met online through a mutual friend. She and I attended our local 'Walk to Remember'. It was a beautiful ceremony.
I got pouches in the mail last week and today from two of my Birth Club friends. They are beautiful!!! I was telling a co-worker about them tonight and she mentioned that she crochets and would love to make some blankets/pouches/hats! Yipee... I'm so excited!!!
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