6 Months

I can't believe its been six months. Half a year. Part me says, "That sounds like an eternity" but then part of me says, "Its only been six months?" I was going to get on here yesterday, the actual day but I just couldn't. I spent most of the day in denial... just trying to forget what day it was. I tried to pretend that it was just another ordinary day.

When I think about it, I have no idea where the last six months have gone. Day by day, especially the hard days, I wonder how I'll get through the day. However, when I look back... I see that I've managed to survive the last six months... one day at a time.

I saw this at Hobby Lobby a few weeks ago. I've been trying to find some more because I have several friends who instantly came to mind when I saw it and I'd love to send one to them. I'd also love to find a bunch to include in our YAMC memory boxes. I think it's really the best thing that can be said to a baby loss parent. It's the only way to survive and "get through it"... you just concentrate on one day at a time.

(This isn't it... but its as close as I can find. I haven't taken a picture of it yet.)

I stayed up looking through Cameron's baby pictures... trying to remember what he was like at one month old. I couldn't help but smile. He was such a great baby! I'm sure it was tough but I honestly don't remember anything but the pure bliss. Maybe its because he was our much prayed for miracle and I've blocked out the negative, tiring stuff. I know most people are exhausted and can't wait to get through the first year but really, I wish I could go back. It is true when they say "Time flies!" I can't believe he's almost 4! Where have the years gone?

Nathan should be turning one month, had he made it to term. As I go through Cameron's baby pictures, I'm reminded of all the cherished moments of Cameron's first month.

Doctor's Appointment

I finally got in to see my OB today. (It only took 3 months and 3 re-scheduled appointments.) I had called back in October because I was still having a lot of cramping and pain. The nurse mentioned that it wasn't normal to still be hurting and I should make an appointment to be seen. Well, guess it wasn't too serious because they couldn't get me in for almost a month, right before Thanksgiving. I ask if they have anything earlier and she tells me that I can keep calling back and see if they get a cancellation. Well, about a week later... they did. Then Aunt Flo decided to arrive a week early, so I had to reschedule. And of course, my original appointment time was booked by then so I couldn't get it back. I ended up having to make a December appointment, the week before Christmas. When they call the "confirm" my appointment they tell me its at 2:45pm. What?!?! I KNOW I made a morning appointment because I work at night and can't do afternoon appointments. So guess what... yeap, had to reschedule. By this point I'm getting TICKED and about ready to just say forget it and cancel the whole darn thing. Finally I actually made it to the appointment today!

He does a pelvic exam and basically tells me the pain I'm experiencing is probably the endometriosis adhering to my organs. The pain and symptoms I'm having (in addition to the "normal" endo symptoms) is where the cysts and adhesions are messing with the nerve endings to my back, rectum, legs... everything. He reviewed my emergency c-section notes from having Cameron back in 2008 and he said I was a mess then. (He delivered Cameron.) Of course, at the time... he was trying to save Cameron and couldn't worry about all that. He said there's no telling what all has been going on in there for the past 4 years.

I have to keep a pain and symptom journal for 2 months and then go back for an ultrasound in March to discuss "the plan". I hate the plan. Last time we had a "plan"... I ended up with a surgery that lasted twice as long as it was supposed to and still ended up losing an ovary and tube at age 25. (In his defense, I was seeing another doctor then.) He then tells me "Of course, if you were to get pregnant... it would pull the adhesions away and the hormones would shrink them, in a sense."

Yeah... thanks. Great advice. I wanted to smack him and then say...

#1 it took almost 5 years and a fertility specialist to get pregnant with my first child (3 years to get Nathan). So um, pregnancy isn't necessarily a given... a "just go off the pill and go for it" kinda outcome for me. You know this, you moron!

#2 It's only been six months (this coming Saturday) since I lost my baby. I should have a one month old right now! I don't want to think about another baby. I want MY baby... I want NATHAN!

#3 I'm scared.. no, scratch that... TERRIFIED, at the thoughts of being pregnant again. I was a few days late the other month and I freaked out when I realized it. My heart started racing and I just cried. Why? I have no clue. I mean I would be happy and love another baby... but I just haven't sorted out my feelings about future children, if there are any.

#4 How the heck do I get pregnant when sex is so friggin' painful? Most days, I do it just to make my husband happy. He has spent way too much of our marriage being "celibate" because I couldn't have sex. I know many times, over the years, where he's had to go weeks and months without it. Trust me... if any man had an excuse to cheat, he would. The fact that he never pressures me or makes me feel guilty... that tells me that he loves me. He has always been patient and understanding. (I really don't know how I got so lucky. Some days, I don't feel like I deserve him!) I remember when we were trying to get pregnant with Cameron, many times he would just hold me while I cried because it hurt so bad. He would want to stop but I would say no, just do it already... I'm fertile today! Sorry... that post got a little graphic, huh?!! ;-)

I read a blog post by Laura, over at Moments of Pause, tonight. Man, I could have copied and pasted a lot of what she wrote. So much of it is where I am. Here it is, if you want to read it... "Not To Be" post.

I'm just so lost and confused and scared about what the "next step" should be. Do I want more children? Am I okay with just Cameron here and Nathan in Heaven? Should I have another laparotomy and hope they can "clean me up" and try to preserve what's left of my fertility? Should I have another surgery and chance a hysterectomy or just go ahead with a hysterectomy? Agh... so many questions, unknowns and fears.

Too Many Angels

My heart breaks every time I read about another child dying.

One minute, I'm reading about a 10-day old baby getting washed in the washing machine for an entire wash cycle and the next I'm reading about a mother having to prepare to say goodbye to her 2 1/2 year old son, after watching him struggle daily with EB.

I can't make heads or tails of it. The parents who could care less, are killing their children or abusing them or just plain out ignoring or neglecting them. Parents who actually love and want their child are having to say goodbye because their child was taken, much too soon, from their arms or body. It just plain out sucks and seems so unfair. (big sigh)

I've been on a reading kick here lately and giving my Kindle a workout... something that Nika started! ;-) Need something to read? Try one of these:

For One More Day - Mitch Albom
The First Five People You Meet in Heaven - Mitch Albom
The Shack - William Young
Heaven in Real - Todd Burpo

Thoughts

Everyone is in bed and I'm sitting here thinking of what life would be like, having another little one in the house. Nathan would be 2 weeks and 4 days old today. I can't help but think back to when Cameron was that age. I've been sitting here looking through his baby pictures. (This picture was taken on the day he came home from the hospital.)

Oh, how I miss him being a baby! What I wouldn't give to go back. We were so blessed, as he was such an easy baby! There are days when I'm so glad to be past the days of diapers, bottles, breastfeeding and a million pieces of "baby gear" all over the house. But then, there are days when I really miss it. It's a bittersweet feeling, I suppose.

I think that as I go through Nathan's "supposed to be first year"... I'm going to go back through Cameron's. I hope that it will give me some positive and happy feelings, as well as, remind me to parent and mommy the living child that I'm blessed to have here on Earth.

I'll be honest and say that, I've been so caught up in MY feelings and MY grief... I've neglected my role as a mother to a living child. Poor Cameron has had a rough year and I really need to get back on track and try to make things stable for him. I need to remember to slow down and take time to enjoy HIM.

So far, this blog has been mainly sad, depressing, grief-stricken and all about Nathan. Well, as the title clearly states... my life includes, not only an angel but a doodle also. ;-)

As you've read and learned everything there is to know about Nathan, now I think its time to let Cameron shine in the spotlight also. Stay tuned, as I will be telling you a little about my doodle, Cameron in the posts coming up!

Good Day

Today was actually a really good day. (I never thought I'd ever type those words again!!) Well, I guess yesterday... since it's after midnight here. I'm so very thankful for it! It was nice to be able to just get through the day... smile, laugh and carry on like a "normal" person. Even in the moments when Nathan crossed my mind, it wasn't really sad. It was more like a mini-smile in my mind... like a tender, private moment that I was able to experience, then tuck into my heart and go on. (Does that make sense?) I miss him so very much and I really wonder what life would be like if he were here. (He would be 2 weeks and 3 days old today, if he'd made it to his scheduled c-section date.) Of course, who knows what emotions tomorrow will bring. Today, though... I'm grateful for a break from the grief. ♥♥♥

New Babies

My heart is hurting. I noticed on Facebook tonight, that Cameron's classmate's mom had her baby. Her page is private and I'm only on her business page but I noticed on her husband's page that people started congratulating them on Friday. (And no, I'm stalking their pages or anything. We have mutual friends and I saw it mentioned on another page.) So, I'm guessing she delivered on Friday, December 30th. Yeah... Nathan's original due date. That's the second baby, that I know of, that was born on that date. A girl I went to high school with had her little boy that day.

I'm not mad or depressed. Just sad. Heartbroken that they have what I should have. I can't really explain the feeling. When I first realized the date, my heart picked up its pace for just a moment and I had a sinking, empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I keep waiting for things, like that, not to bother me or have that effect on me. I can be having a good or okay day and the smallest thing will remind me of my reality. Some days it doesn't bother me but some days, I just want to scream, "Give me an F-N' break!"

Really big sigh.................

All right, off the pity train and back to this new year, new life crap...