Dealing with Loss

I've been struggling, in my mind, over the last few weeks. I'll go over, in my head, what I want to blog about but by the time I'm actually in front of the computer... the notions are gone and my mind is elsewhere. I struggle to keep up with my thoughts and emotions here lately. They change, bounce and jump so fast. I never know how I'm going to feel from one minute to the next. (Hence the reason I tend to jump around with my blogging also. Sorry!) I can be having a "good" day and the smallest thing can trigger my emotions. I hate how this feels. It sucks. This is NOT who I am... this is NOT who I want to be. I would give anything to go back to being that naive girl on July 18, 2011. I do NOT want to be grieving. I wish I could just simply miss my son... without all the other crap that comes with grieving the loss a baby during pregnancy. The need to explain how I feel, why I feel, etc. The guilt, the emotions... all of it. I truly wonder, sometimes, if this is a tiny bit of how it feels to have multiple personalities.

Part of me feels like people think I'm obsessing and need to "get over it" and then part of me, doesn't really care what they think. There is NO possible way to make someone understand how horrible this is. It's a nightmare place to be. I want someone to know what I'm going through because I don't want to be the only one going through it. I don't want to be alone. But on the flip side, I don't want anyone to understand because this is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. I wish nobody else had to endure this pain and heartache.

I've been following along with the many news stories, etc... on the loss of the Duggars 20th baby. A little girl that they named Jubilee. Reading articles like the one TMZ wrote and seeing all the horrible comments people have been posting... it's no wonder some of us feel like "freaks" and hold our pain and loss inside. Society is not kind to people like us... people who've lost a baby.

But then I read articles like the ones below, and it validates my feelings. Yes, it's okay to grieve and miss my son however I need to. What seems morbid or obsessive to some, may be just what someone else needs to heal. I wish the whole world would read these articles and then maybe, just maybe... we could begin to heal PUBLICLY! Our baby's brief lives would be validated and we could focus on healing instead of trying to make people acknowledge our loss. These are great articles about miscarriage and what we can learn from the Duggar's recent loss. I hope that someday all women feel they can openly grieve the loss of their babies (at any gestation). Miscarriage should not be something that families have to deal with privately, with no support. It does not have to be a silent grief.

* Learning from Michelle Duggar
* Why did the Duggars photograph a stillborn baby?
* Open Letter to the Duggars