This sucks. I'm so pissed. I can't even stop to tears today. They flow without caring that I don't want them. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I want an easy button. Where's that damn Staples commercial when you need it?!?! I don't know that I even have the energy or willpower to try and fake it today.
I'm trying so hard to get through this crap without letting it completely destroy my family... but man, it's hard. Somehow in the last five months, we've gone from a pretty happy... not perfect, Hallmark happy... but happy enough family to one that is snappy and depressing.
Cameron has been horrible the last couple weeks. I realize part of it may be is age and a phase that he's going through. However, I think the majority of it is coming from everything going on around him. I try so hard not to cry and be sad around him but I'm not a very good actress. I can't pretend that everything is fabulous 24/7. I have my moments of weakness. Unfortunately, here lately those moments have appeared when Cameron is acting out and my patience is thin. I've turned into a horrible mom. I can't but wonder if it's why God took Nathan... because he saw that I wouldn't be a very good mom to 2 children. Maybe he saw that I wouldn't have had enough patience, time or attention. I feel so much like I'm being punished. Trouble is... I don't know what I've done that's bad enough to deserve this.
I know Allen is hurting, in his own weird way. He's lost a lot this year also. Even though he didn't see Nathan... he still lost a son. He's lost a part of his wife. He sits by and has to watch me go through this. He's lost his dad. He's having to watch his mom, grieve and miss him. I can't imagine how helpless he must feel, knowing that there isn't a damn thing he can do for either of us.
This is not how it was supposed to be. We aren't bad people. We don't deserve this. Not that anyone does... but today I'm being selfish and this post is about me and my family.
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We've been going through a lot of the same here the last few months, except that we don't have a little one to worry about. I can't imagine how much harder that is for you. It's actually been to the point of wanting to just break things off, even though I know deep down that's not really what I want.
ReplyDeleteFor the record, I don't think you are a horrible mom. Or that you would be a horrible mom with two kids. I think your family has just been dealt a lot this year.
I don't know anything that makes it better, or easier, but I do hope things start to calm down for you soon.
You are definitely not bad people.. and i understand completely how difficult it is to parent after a loss. Do the best you can to be easy on yourself. It is not going to hurt Cameron to see you cry from time to time. I am a firm believer in expressing honest and sincere emotions around our children. I think it a way it helped in our family because we learned to say "I'm sad because Cullen died" as opposed to trying to hide it. It gave the kids an open area to express their own emotions and feelings as well.. it still does over a year later.
ReplyDeleteIf you ever need to talk you know where to find me.. just know that I'm thinking of you...