Mother's Day

I thank God everyday for the amazing gift of being Cameron and Nathan's mom. :-) Whether you hold your child in your arms or in your heart, I'm wishing you a Happy Mother's Day. For those who are struggling with infertility, I remember those days as well. I'm thinking of you and praying that your arms are filled soon. ♥ CDS & NAS ♥ *The picture is of me, Cameron and our "Nathan Bear" which Cameron made at Build-A-Bear on Nathan's due date.

International Bereaved Mother's Day & Nurses Day

It's been a very emotional weekend so I'm going to make this short... hopefully. ;-)

Saturday, I took Cameron out and we spent a few hours looking for a gift for Nathan's nurse (the nurse who delivered him). I had called up at the hospital and was told that she'd be working Saturday night. I ended up getting her a plaque, pen/note holder, butterfly candle holder (from our donation project) and an angel pin. I also got her a popsicle maker but forgot to write on the card that it was for her and her daughter. (I remember her saying her daughter was around Cameron's age.) I hope she puts two and two together and doesn't think I'm crazy! LOL. I decided to give the maternity floor staff some fruit, cookies, candy and cake.

I wrote his nurse a note... thanking her for all of her support and compassion. I told her that she was special because other than myself and the funeral home staff, she was the only person who ever held my son. I told her that, while I wasn't with her, I know that she treated my son with dignity and love when he wasn't with me and that I was thankful and appreciative. She joined You are my Child's Facebook page and wrote me a very sweet private message, which made me cry.

Sunday was also International Bereaved Mother's Day. For more information, visit this link: International Bereaved Mother's Day. I thought this was fabulous but reading Stephanie's post a few minutes ago, kinda got me in a different mindset. I mean, it still is a wonderful thing and I will definitely "celebrate" it... it just made me stop and think about the "real" Mother's Day.

"Just some thoughts this evening as I reflect on the day... it being International Bereaved Mothers Day and all. And my thoughts are this: It is not a replacement for Mother's Day. It is an addition to it. The traditional Mother's Day is still very much our day. And when you dive into the history of the holiday and check out the true intention behind the day, it becomes evident that it is perhaps ours even more than the average happy-go-lucky-mom (if there is such a woman.) It began as a peace protest by Julia Ward Howe, who was tired of seeing mothers lose their sons to war. She spoke of grieving mothers in her declaration for Mother's Day of Peace. Grieving mothers, that's us. I appreciate IBMD and all that Carly has done for our community, I will celebrate it and feel honored by it - but I do not need it. Because the real Mother's Day is mine. I earned it four times over, with each heart that began beating beneath mine. And no matter how your children came to you and no matter how long their lifetime lasted, they are yours and this day they designate as Mother's Day... that's yours, too."

It's true what she says about the "real" Mother's Day being ours. I guess having Cameron, I already "claim" it but I can understand how difficult that day will be for moms who don't have any living children. I do agree though... every mother DESERVES to be acknowledged on Mother's Day because she IS a mother.

I also got an email from Dana, over at Pencil Portraits by Dana. She is doing a survey and creating a bereavement support thing (can't remember how she worded it). Wow... kinda emotional! A few questions made me stop and think. Well, you know what... I'll just copy and paste the email.

1. At what point in gestation did you suffer your loss? I was 16 weeks, 3 days when I lost him and 16 weeks, 5 days when I was induced and delivered.

2. Did you do any type of therapy, grief counseling, alternative healing afterwards to get through such a difficult time?  If so, how did it help or not help? I first started with online support sites, reading other stories. (ex. Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope) Those were VERY helpful. I was finally able to realize that everything I was feeling was normal and that I wasn't alone. I began seeing a therapist about a month after Nathan died. My husband chose not to see Nathan and so he was at home with our older son during my labor and delivery. His way of dealing with it in the beginning was to not talk about it and pretend nothing happened. Having a therapist helped give me someone to actually talk to, face to face. Plus, she sorta understood me because her son and daughter-in-law lost a baby at 20 weeks several years ago. (My mom was there, when I delivered.)

3. If you could describe how you feel about your loss in this present moment in one or two words what would they be? In transition. (I'm not in the raw, painful beginning stage yet I'm not to the peace and "acceptance" stage either. Of course, I will never accept it because to me that feels to much like saying it's okay… and it's not. It never will be. I just don't know what other word to use other than accept. Hopefully, someday I'll be in a peaceful stage and be able to "live" with grief as my companion (in a non-depressing way). Does that make sense?)

4. Do you feel like your loss is holding you back in your life now….still causing you pain? I don't feel like it's holding me back… it's just become a part of who I am. It will always be painful and I will always wonder "what if". (What if he were here, what would he be doing… be like… etc.) However, I know that Nathan is okay where he is and that one day I'll have eternity to hold him and love him. Life hasn't given me the "luxury" to just curl up in a ball and wither. I HAVE to go on… I don't have a choice; I have a husband and another son to live for. I will spend the rest of my life living for him and experiencing all the things he never will. I have to gather a lifetime of stories and memories to share with him when I get to Heaven. Some days that is still hard and I have to take it one day at a time.

5. If yes to #4, what are the thoughts and emotions you still struggle with in relation to the loss? I answered no but I do still have moments (mainly at night when the silence and dark allow my mind to "go there") when I go back and replay that night over and over in my mind. I have so many regrets. It took me MONTHS to process and realize that I did the best I could at the time and that no amount of "wants or wishes" will ever change that night. I can't go back and have that night to do over. I have to live with the choices that were made. A realization that breaks my heart every time I think about it.

6. Has it stopped you from wanting more children? We struggled with infertility for almost 5 years before getting pregnant with our first child. We had decided not to return to the fertility specialist after having our first child. We were told our chances for more children were slim. It took 3 years but we were finally at peace. I had grieved and accepted that fact that I would never have another biological child. I had scheduled an appointment to speak with my OB about having a hysterectomy. (Because of my endometriosis, I had already lost an ovary and tube and decided that I didn't want to keep having major surgeries to keep cleaning up the damage.) I was supposed to go in June and I found out I was pregnant on Easter Sunday 2011. Nathan was our miracle! We had beaten the odds and gotten pregnant on our own. I struggle with wondering why God would give him to us, just to take him away. He was supposed to be our last child… the last piece of our family. Since my first son was born via emergency c-section, we were going to schedule a c-section and have my remaining tube tied during Nathan's birth. I have a friend who lost one of her twins. She went on to have another child years later. She said that as much as she misses her son (that she lost), she can't imagine life without her other son (who she had years later). I can't help but wonder if getting pregnant with Nathan was meant to happen to stop me from having the hysterectomy. If he was meant to be born still, so that I wouldn't have my tube tied. In some weird way, did he or God sacrifice his life for a future brother or sister? As scary as it feels to think about being pregnant again, I can't imagine "saying no" to a child that was meant to be born. A child who would be here only because Nathan isn't. I recently had a minor surgery to correct some damage from my pregnancy and my endometriosis so I guess we'll see what happens.

7. How does your loss currently effect your life, family, your relationships, your happiness? It has changed who I am. Hopefully, in the end… it's made me a better person. I understand that everyone has or is going through something that will change them. People don't go around wearing t-shirts that say "Be nice to me, I just lost a child." or "I'm mad at everyone because I just lost my job and everything is crumbling around me". It makes you stop and think about why people are the way they are. You never know what is going on in that person's life or mind. It has changed my relationship with my husband a lot. I held a lot of anger and resentment towards him for many, many months. I felt like he took the easy way out, by choosing not to see him or be there. I felt like he just abandoned me. I didn't have a choice, I had to go through it. We slowly began to talk (after I began seeing my therapist) and he revealed to me one night that he wasn't proud of how he acted. He said it was cowardly and it didn't make it right but that he felt if he was there and saw him, that it would make it real. He thought if he didn't see him, then he could just pretend that nothing happened. I've let the anger go… I had to; it was eating me up. I have too many regrets of my own to make his regrets worse on either one of us. As far as my other relationships, I've learned who is really a friend and who isn't. I've met new people and let some "older" people go. I've learned to not care what others think about how I chose to remember my son. (I created a donation project - not quite an organization yet - in his memory.) They never saw him… to them he, didn't exist but I know he was real and that's all that matters to me. At first, it made me SO mad because I felt like people were just chalking my experience up to being a simple procedure. I remember being so angry at getting a get well card. It's the thought that counts, yes… but I wasn't sick. They never came out and said it but it was implied that "It was ONLY a miscarriage." I wanted to scream… "I wasn't sick, I didn't have a procedure… I had a baby!" I've bonded together with other baby loss moms because they understand. As much as it sucks to be a part of this "club", it also feels nice to fit in and be around people who "get it". Happiness… well, I'm still working on that one. I'm slowly learning to not let guilt take the joy and happiness away from me. I've been through Hell and I deserve happiness… as hard as that is sometimes to accept. It's hard though… learning to be happy again. It doesn't feel right, some days. It's like "Nathan isn't here, why I am happy? How can I laugh, smile…"

8. If you could change something about your thoughts, beliefs, or feelings to have more peace about this event or life in general what would change? I wish so badly that I could have that night to do over… even knowing the end result would be the same. The pain and heartache would be worth it. I've played it out in my mind over and over again… everything that I would do different. However, since that will never be possible… I wish I could accept my regrets for what they are and let them go. I hear about people seeing their babies in their dreams and getting a "message" from them… telling them that they love them or that they're okay. I go to bed every night and I pray for that. I wish so badly, with everything in me, that I could tell Nathan how very sorry I am that I didn't make his birth more special and important. I wish I could tell him all the things I wish I'd had the thought process to tell him when I was holding him.

9. Do you have any advice for others who struggle with a similar loss? Take it one day at a time. I'd also share the best advice given to me by another baby loss mom on one of my support boards...

"I wanted to share this with everyone. There was a time in my life when I had almost lost everything. My husband and I were on the verge of splitting up, my oldest son had left to go stay with his dad, I was still severely grieving Jeremiah (my angel), I had lost material things... I had almost shut down. The only outside life I had, at the time, was work and thankfully, I loved my job. It was hard to go every day… I wanted to shut down completely but I knew I had to have income so I pressed on. A friend from work set me down one day. I had missed quite a bit of work but had a job where I could do that, as long as my work was complete. He asked me if I wanted to talk about it. (He had no idea everything going on.) I broke down and I spilled my guts. Instead of telling me, "Oh, it's going to get better!" or "Oh, it'll be okay!", he said, "Kim… do what's next! No matter what that next is. No matter how trivial that next seems, never stop doing what's next. If doing what's next for you, means getting out of bed and brushing your teeth… then do what's next! If it means getting a shower, then do what's next. It might be eating that first bite that you've put off because eating seems so disgusting. JUST DO WHAT'S NEXT!" I also wanted to let you know that it's okay to laugh. At first, for me, I felt like if I laughed about anything at all, I was disrespecting my angel. It's ok to laugh! I would find myself getting tickled over something and immediately stop and then start crying because I was laughing. But you know what, it felt good to laugh when I finally did. Our babies, no matter what reason they were taken from us, are happy, healthy babies now. My angel had so many medical deformities. He was missing the part of his brain that controls reflexes like breathing, sucking and swallowing. His heart was on the wrong side and had a hole in it. He had cleft palate. Had he lived a life on this earth, he would have never had a happy, healthy life but I believe he's in Heaven and he's whole! He never had to endure all those medical conditions. He's healthy now! I believe our angels look down on us and hurt because we hurt. I believe they want us to be happy in the fact that they are happy and healthy. It took me 4 years to get to this point, it didn't happen over night. But just know that it's ok to feel ANY way that you feel! No one can tell you what's right, what's wrong and how you should or shouldn't feel! But most of all, please remember to DO WHAT'S NEXT!"