Nathan's Stocking

Well, I survived Thanksgiving. It was difficult... mentally. I know that I have SO very much to be thankful for but it's hard not to feel cheated by not having Nathan here. This was my Facebook post on Thanksgiving afternoon:

"Thank you for the texts, posts and messages today. The prayers were very much appreciated. Today turned out to be a good day. I'm so thankful for our son Cameron. He is the light of my life and I am grateful to be his mommy. Even though he isn't here with us, I'm thankful for our son Nathan. I wouldn't trade the 16 weeks and 5 days, that I carried him, for anything in the world. I'll take the pain and heartache and learn to live with it because the love I have for him... out shadows it all. I'm soooo thankful for my husband, Allen Stephens. After 17 years together and 11 years of marriage, I love him more than ever. I hope that you all had a blessed Thanksgiving."

Now, comes the hard milestones... Nathan's scheduled c-section due date (21st), Christmas (25th) and his original due date (30th). I know they are going to be the hardest ones. I should be waking up Christmas morning with a 3-year old and a 4-day old. I'm so excited for Cameron but I know Nathan's missing presence will be felt. This will be our first Christmas without Nathan. It will be bittersweet I'm sure. Cameron is at such a fun age and is SO excited about Christmas. We went today and put most everything on layaway for him. I can't wait to see his face when he sees the Toy Story Landfill that he's been asking for. Every time he sees the commercial, he says, "There it is! That's what I want Santa to bring me!"

I've been looking for a way to include Nathan. It's important for me to not leave him out. However, I don't want to make a big fuss that will make most people uncomfortable. I wish there was a way to talk about him or include him in my conversations, without people feeling uncomfortable or sorry for me. I don't want pity... I simply want to be able to talk about BOTH of my boys. For me, it's turned into normal conversation. I've been accepted and allowed to talk about him in my baby loss support groups. It catches me off guard, when I see the look others have, when I talk about him. I realize, too late, that I'm back in the "real world" where talking about "what might have been" seems morbid and obsessive to the non-baby loss person. To me, it seems like part of letting go. I have to picture these things, get used to the loss of them... and gradually let go of the "what might have been's" and accept the "what is".

I came across the idea of the Stocking/Random Acts of Kindness on Melissa's blog, Chasing our Rainbow. I love it! It's a perfect idea, I think. It's subtle yet offers such an impact. It is a perfect way to begin a new Christmas tradition that includes Nathan. I love that it isn't just about Nathan and our family... but also impacts the lives of others. In the words of my husband, "Helping people is always a good thing." I hope that you will take a moment to include our little boy, Nathan in your holiday celebrations this month... either by participating in Nathan's Stocking or simply saying a prayer for us as we try to celebrate the Christmas season without him.

Dear Family & Friends,

First, let me thank you all for your love, support and prayers over the last four months. Thank you for sharing in the excitement of our second pregnancy and in the sorrow of our loss.

As the holidays are approaching, we are excited to spend time with family and friends. Cameron is at such a fun age and we are excited for him. However, we still feel the need to remember our son, Nathan, this Christmas. Nathan was due in December so Christmas will be a bittersweet day for us. It is one of our favorite times of year and we have been searching for a way to keep it that way, even in the midst of our pain. I found this wonderful idea from another mom, whose daughter and son are in Heaven, and was really inspired to do the same thing she did the first Christmas after the loss of her daughter.

We're having a stocking made, with Nathan's name on it, to place beside the rest of our family stockings, but really don't want to see it hang empty, so we have decided to enlist all of you to help us. All that we ask is that sometime between now and Christmas, do something nice for someone, no matter how small or large. It doesn't have to involve money - just commit a random act of kindness. When you do it, think of Nathan and dedicate that act him. You can even leave a note saying, “This random act of kindness was done in memory of Nathan" but you don’t have to. (I made a card if you want to print it to use. It was created as a 3x5 card. Just click to open it and then right-click to save.)

Please write down your act of kindness and send it to us and put “Nathan’s Stocking” in the subject line or slip a note into your Christmas cards to us. I won't read it. I will print out the emails and put them in his stocking. Then, on Christmas morning, we will open up all the notes and read them.

Feel free to share this request with your other friends and family... share it on your Facebook page. Even if only a few of you do this, we will have a really beautiful thing to share on Christmas in our sweet baby's memory and someone else (the recipient of your kindness) will benefit by a true example of the spirit of Christmas. I will pray that all of us will be struck by inspiration, that something will come to each of us, some kindness that we can share of ourselves, in Nathan’s name and in his memory, to benefit someone else. For idea’s and inspiration for random acts of kindness, visit one of the following websites...

http://blessedbycreativejoy.blogspot.com/2010/01/reading-shyla.html

http://amazingmikaylagrace.blogspot.com/2010/12/mikaylas-stocking.html

http://www.missfoundation.org/kindness/ideas.html

http://ticklestogiggles.blogspot.com/2010/05/my-birthday-was-awesome.html

http://tsjphotography.com/blog/random-acts-of-christmas-kindness-summary/

Thank you so much for your participation and your continued love and support,

The Stephens Family