Thinking

I'm thinking of Nathan tonight. Well, all day really. Today, he's been on my mind more than usual. I kept having to stop at work and try to get focused. I do paperwork for a medical company, dealing with the FDA... so our paperwork has to be perfect. I can't afford to be distracted while at work. Normally, I can find a way to tuck Nathan into my heart and throw myself into my work for the time I'm there. Nathan, of course, had other plans tonight because I just couldn't get him off my mind. I had a meeting this morning with a local support organization to talk about our donation organization, etc. It's really the first time I've talked about him, face to face, with anyone other than my therapist. I was actually surprised that I did so well, without turning into mush. I teared up a few times and had to stop and compose myself. When I got in the car, I turned on the radio and KLove was playing "I Will Praise You in This Storm" and I just lost it. I cried the whole way home. I can't believe Monday will be four months. Some days, it feels like it was just yesterday and then other days, it feels like it's been an eternity already. Will there ever come a time when I won't dread the 21st of the month. I know it won't change anything but I can't wait until January 1st. I just want, so badly, to get past December 30th (his due date). Tonight just feels like a "Why me? Why my baby? I feel like having a pity party." kinda night... :-(