Perspective

It's amazing how the smallest things can change your perspective on a situation.

It has finally turned into Fall-like weather. Today was rainy and cold... a perfect day to just stay home, hide under the covers and feel sorry for myself. However, I went on to work and was determined to finish the work week with a halfway decent attitude. The beginning of the week started out kinda shaky with the return of a co-worker on maternity leave and the announcement of my other co-worker's baby's birth. On November 1st, they had a baby boy. His birth was a physical reminder, that I should've been next. I was due 7 weeks after her. :-(

Anyway... I went in tonight and the majority of the afternoon went smoothly. Then right before first break, a co-worker walked past me. He used to work in my department on another shift. Now, he works in another department but I see him on occasion in the hallways. He walked past and said, "Hey. How are you?" to which I replied, "Okay. How are you?" It made me think for a moment about a post I read the other day by Josh at Jack at Random. A couple seconds later, I heard him call my name. I turned around and he was standing a little ways away from me. He looked nervous, hesitant almost. He said, "I was just wondering... is everything okay? You seem different. I didn't know if the job was getting to you or what... I just... I just noticed a change in you." Still thinking about Josh's post, I hesitated... stumbling over my words. I'm still trying to figure out how to answer those seemingly innocent questions. How are you? Is everything okay?

I finally just kinda blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "I'm okay. Just trying to figure out how to... uh... ya, know... get past everything. (To which I got a confused look.) You're not in our department anymore so you may not have heard but we lost a baby in July." The instant I said those words, I saw such a change in him. Not a nervous "oh, crap... I just stuck my foot in my mouth" look but a genuine, sincere look of sympathy. He said, "I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I'm so sorry to hear that."

We talked for a few more seconds and then parted ways... me back to my paperwork, and he, back to his department. A few minutes passed and I just couldn't get my mind off the conversation. I felt bad. I hate making people feel bad and that's what I felt... like I'd made him feel bad. He couldn't have known the answer to such a simple question would be so loaded. On my way to break, I stopped by to talk to him. I told him that I wanted to let him know that I sincerely appreciated him taking the time to stop and ask about me. Very few people have asked how I'm doing and truly stopped to hear the answer. (Hence the reason, that most of the time, it's a quick generic "Okay. How are you?") He seemed to honestly be okay with everything so I told him a brief version of the story, expecting to hear another "I'm so sorry."

Instead, he told me that he and his wife had also experienced the loss of a child during the 2nd trimester. He said that they had a small, family funeral and had buried their son on family property. He said that he was glad that we had had the conversation because he was going to talk to his wife, once he got home. He said that, as a man, he just wanted his wife to move on and get over it. He couldn't fix the situation and he felt helpless. They went on to have another son and really never talked about their lost child. He said that seeing the change in me, made him realize just how hard it must've been for his wife to not have him support her more, to let her talk about their baby and the experience. Later on, in the night, another co-worker mentioned her experience with an early miscarriage... in which she miscarried, in the car, on the way to the hospital. I don't even remember how the conversation came up, I just remember thinking, "Wow, two co-workers that have lost a child. I would have never known."

It's amazing how the universe works. We all live on this planet, yet we all have different lives but somehow each life affects another, and then another and yet another. My perspective on life has changed so much with Nathan's birth. I don't claim to know all the answers but I do know that there was a reason for Nathan's short life. Nothing in my life or with my situation changed tonight. It does, however, make my grief a tad bit easier to bear... knowing that because of my conversation about my son... a woman that I've never met is going to have a more understanding, loving, caring husband tonight. Call it coincidence, call it fate, call it luck. I call it a plan... God's plan. In a tiny way, MY Nathan... had a hand in reconnecting that marriage just a little bit. That changes my perspective of my loss. I didn't lose anything... he's still with me and always will be. In fact, I gained quite a bit. I can't begin to explain everything he's given me. I miss him... that doesn't change and never will. However, on days like today... I can actually SMILE when I think of my baby boy. I can almost picture him sitting on a cloud, holding a little cupid bow and smiling. And for today, right at this very moment, it's okay with me.