4 Months

At 2:32am, four months ago... my son was born. I can't believe it's been four months. Some days it feels like an eternity already. How am I supposed to live the rest of my life without him here?

I keep thinking about how I should have less than 4 weeks left to prepare for his birth. I should have a fully decorated nursery, filled with baby clothes. I pulled out all of Cameron's "keepsake outfits" last month. I kept every outfit from each "holiday/event" for his first year of life. I held them and soaked in the memories of him wearing them. I hate that his brother will never have memories in those outfits. Instead, those outfits are packed away... yet again. I'm not sure if they'll ever be worn again. The nursery is practically empty. His crib has been packed away in our storage building. It like to broke my heart when I saw my husband carrying it across the yard. His glider is still in there, along with other items that have made their way in. It's become a "catch-all" room, of sorts. Allen spends more time in there than I do. He has gotten into leather making and has taken over the room with his stuff. I don't say anything. It's probably just because it's an empty room... but I like to think that it's his way of being close to Nathan. Occasionally, I'll walk to the door. The glider is on the other side of the room, near the window. He'll be sitting in the glider and braiding or detailing leather... but all I want to picture is my husband rocking our child to sleep. I see the green and blue walls and picture the nursery... complete and beautiful. We chose blue for the top, to resemble the sky and green for the bottom, to resemble the grass. We figured it would work for a boy or girl, by adding appropriate wall pieces. I came across a beautiful owl set online. Of course, it was pink and girly... so I set out to find a similar set for a boy. This was the set I had chosen for a boy. This are the things that should be in Nathan's room...

I think part of my "letting go" is going ahead and picturing these things so that I can find the closure in them. I have to have an end. Everything was ripped, so fast, from me and I'm still trying to process it all. I think another baby loss mom said it best when she told me this:

"It's lot like the world and life around you are moving ahead so fast that you're flailing and grasping at life's shirt tails, trying to grab and hold on for dear life because that's all you can do." (Thank you, Nika!)

I'm still holding on for dear life and I don't know how to let go. I'm terrified to let go. Holding on to these tiny moments and "what-if memories" is all I have. I don't have pictures or tangible items... my memories are it. I know that my brain is going to one day fade and I won't have those; at least not as clear as they are now. That scares me. It makes me sad.

Today, is going to be so hard. I was supposed to have the day off work but I'm going to have to go in. I hope I can find a quiet office, where I can close the door while I work... because I know he's going to be on my mind all day.

I had planned to take every 21st of the month off work for the first year of Nathan's birth/death. I have made that a "Reason to Smile" day. I take my older son and we do something fun together... just spend the day with him. Last month, I started my period on the 21st. A period I shouldn't even have had. It was just another reminder, that no... I'm not pregnant. I just couldn't muster the strength or motivation to do anything.

I work for a medical company and I found out, the other night, that the FDA has shut down one of our drug vendors so they are cutting our Thanksgiving work week short because we can't run our orders until we find a backup vendor to order from. So now, we either have to use PTO (personal time off) or not get paid. I can't afford to go without pay, especially since we don't know what's going to happen after Thanksgiving (if we'll have another vendor by then). Since it's almost the end of the year, I only have 1 day left... which is what I was going to take it this coming Monday. I had planned to take an occurrence on December 21st, which is the day I was supposed to have Nathan, via a c-section. (I've never had an occurrence. You can have 3 of those per year before getting a verbal warning.) Now that I'm having to use my PTO for Wednesday, I guess I'm going to have to go in tomorrow. I don't really don't want to take 2 occurrences. I'm so bummed because now that day is just like any other day... it will just blend in with all the other days this month. I feel like nobody, but me, will know what that day really means. It's the 4 month mark since I last held my son.

I dread next month. It's the milestone I've dreaded the most... Nathan's due date. I've had so much emotion building up to it, I'm not sure what to expect. Half of me expects to just stop breathing on that day... to just not be able to go past that date. Of course, I know that isn't logical. I'll survive and wake up the next day and the next. I'm sure before I know it, I'll wake up and it will be a year gone by.

I have so many dates that are attached to Nathan. Dates that I hate now... when I know I should love them because they are his. I can't help it though. Those dates will never be happy days for me, ever again. I can't picture a day when I'll be able to wake up Easter Sunday without remembering that that was the day I found out I was pregnant. I'll never be able to get through July 19th without remembering sitting on that table at the OB's office, looking at my baby on the screen. Seeing him curled up, lifeless in my body with no heartbeat. I'll never forget that July 20th was the day I was induced. The day I went through 12 hours of pain, knowing the child I was birthing was already gone. I'll never forget that July 21st is my son's birthday... regardless of whether he was alive or not when I birthed him. I'll never look at December 21st the same. I will always remember that THAT should be my son's birthday. It is the day I was supposed to have a scheduled c-section and have my one remaining tube tied. It's the day we were supposed to complete our family. At Christmas, there will always be one child missing. One child that should be opening presents with his big brother. If for some reason, we changed our mind during the pregnancy and chose to let nature take its course or try for a VBAC... December 30th was Nathan's estimated due date.

How did it all go wrong? How the hell did I get here... to this place? Why isn't my baby here with me instead of sitting in an urn in my bedroom? I'm so mad... I so angry that he isn't here. IT ISN'T FAIR!!!!! He is MY son. I don't want or need a frickin' angel. I didn't ask for an angel. I don't care that he's in a better place. My arms are the best place for him... here, with me! I'M HIS MOTHER! I hate this so much. I keep waiting to "feel better" or to be able to "get over it". Part of me wants to... wishes that it were that easy. I know it would feel better. Anything has to feel better than this gapping hole in my heart.