This happy day sucked...

17 years ago on September 15th, I met my husband for this first time. We celebrated 11 years of marriage, today. Well, I guess technically yesterday... since it's after midnight. With me being out of work after Nathan's death, we've gotten behind financially on some things. We had issues with our bank today, which had me in tears.

I had my 8-week post delivery OB appointment today also. I survived being the ONLY non-pregnant woman in the waiting room. Well, I take that back there was another lady there with her husband, son and newborn. It took everything in me to keep my composure. I lost it when I got in the room. I tried so hard to pull myself together before the doctor came in. I half managed. He talked to me for a few minutes but I could tell that he was at a loss for words. It was probably pretty awkward to have a half-naked women sitting on the exam table crying. You can't really come in and start off with "So, let's get this pap smear on the road!" He did encourage me to tell my story. He said it was important for me not to feel ashamed or embarrased by my loss.

Its days like this that make me wonder if I'll ever get through this. I think of Nathan every day but he doesn't consume my thoughts, like that first month. I can think of him, and even talk about him, without crying sometimes. Today felt so much like that first week. I just want this to NOT be MY life! I want to still be pregnant. I want to be 25 weeks pregnant. I want to be decorating the nursery and buying my little boy outfits and toys. Instead, Allen and I sat in the nursery today in an empty glider. A glider that I will never rock my baby to sleep in. I remember sitting in it the week before we lost him. I had checked on Cameron, before going to bed and had stopped outside the nursery door. I sat in the glider and looked around the room smiling, thinking of how different it was going to be checking on two kids. That image is now shattered beyond repair. I told Allen I think I want to sell it. He said we should keep it because "we never know". I have mixed feelings about it. I guess I'll keep it for now. Even if we have another baby, I don't know how I'll feel rocking him/her in that glider. I think part of me will always see it as Nathan's glider.

Today just kinda sucked. Never could I have imagined, 11 years ago, that this is where we would be. Marriage and life definitely haven't played out like I thought they would. Sometimes, I wish I had married a romantic man. Sometimes, I wish I had married a more sensitive man. But then, on days like today... during the rare moment when he just holds me and lets me be me; I can't imagine being married to anyone else. He's not perfect by any means, but he's enough for me. He loves me and accepts me with all of my imperfections. He may not be right by my side during each storm I face but I know that he will be there to pick me up and love me, when my world falls apart; and that's good enough for me.