Sadness

I keep wondering when it won't bother me to hear Cameron ask when we'll be able to have a new baby. He's asked lots of times so you would think it wouldn't hit me like it does. However, it always comes out of nowhere. It breaks my heart to hear the words and see the sad look on his face when I tell him that it isn't up to us; that only God can decide if we get to have another baby. I feel like I'm letting him down every time I say it. :-(

Slowly Returning

I haven't worked out or really cared much about anything over the last month or so. The house has been a wreck and it has taken everything I have just to get out of bed, get Cameron dressed, fed and to school and then go to work myself. I think Allen knew something was going on but I was just so snappy and distant. Every time he'd ask what was wrong, I'd just snap and walk off. I've never been one to talk about my feelings and emotions... so "this whole thing" has been really hard for me. Our marriage has been strained for a while now so our 12th anniversary (which is today) hasn't exactly been full of hearts and romance. However, I'm slowly returning to the land of the living. I'm trying to put my mind in a different "place". I'm really trying to focus on the reasons that I have to be happy. I'm so sick of feeling like I'm just existing and surviving each day. I'm tired of living in the past and living with the regrets of my life. I can't change them... it is what it is. I can dwell on them or I can say, "Screw it and let it go... lessons learned, as painful as some of them were."

Along with my marriage struggles, I've really gotten a dose of reality as far as my parenting skills go and... I'm so embarrassed. I used to TEACH preschool for crying out loud!! My degree is in Early Childhood Education!! Really, people... really?!?! I've seriously neglected my child over the last year and his behavior has really begun to show it. His behavior has become... well, has been (because it didn't happen overnight) horrible. Years ago (before kids) I would've thought to myself (about someone like me), "I'd never let my child act like that!" Yeah, well... I could've never imagine what the death of a baby would do to my physical and emotional self either.

I seriously have to dig us all back out of this. I cleaned his room and toys today and got everything organized. I'm going to see about making him a routine/chore chart. He is getting old enough to start being more independent and taking on some responsibility for his things.

I really like these magnets at Keeping Life Creative. I went out and bought the materials to make them and I emailed the lady to find out if the clipart is still available to purchase.

I also liked this type of daily routine chart but I can't remember where I found the idea/picture.

This site had some good "starter chores". I like this site but it might be something we'll do when he's older. The goal is to get all of this in motion, not only for him, but also to hold me accountable as well. I've spent so much of my time wrapped up in my own life that I've neglected him. I'm constantly online, on my Kindle, watching TV... really anything that allows me to "tap out" of reality and just be, for the most part, numb. I seriously have to start spending more time with him and being emotionally present.

I've got to find a way to bring us all back together. I have to fight for my marriage and try to find that flame that has been smoldering for far too long now. I could really use some prayers and encouragement as I know this is going to be a long (possible painful) dig for our whole family.

Well, gotta go. Munchkin needs a friend to paint watercolors with because... "I found an extra paintbrush, mom!" :-)

Still Here

I know it seems as though I dropped off the planet... but I didn't. I'm still here. I just hit a dry spell and really had nothing to write. I had so many things on my mind but I just didn't have the energy or desire to actually write anything. I spent that time catching up on the blogs I follow.

I'm out of work this week for the 4th of July so I've been trying to alternate cleaning and relaxing. We have a huge consignment sale (WeeRuns) that comes to our area twice a year. I've been shopping there since I was pregnant with Cameron and I've been consigning for about 3 years now. I shop on one night, for him, and buy for the entire season. This current sale is going to be the fall/winter sale and so I will buy everything to last him through fall/winter. After I shop WeeRuns, I rarely ever have to buy him anything from a retail store. I love it! I'm able to get him like new or nice, name brand clothes at a fraction of what I would spend retail. The last 2 years I've sold everything I've consigned. I've either made a profit or broke even, based on what I consign vs. what I buy, so it's kinda like swapping his clothes out as he grows. I've got an appointment to drop off my items on Sunday so I've got to get everything finished by then. I finished cleaning out Cameron's toys today. My goodness... the boy had way too many! I ended up with a huge suitcase full. Tomorrow, I'm going to go through his clothes and hopefully start tagging everything. His poor closet is so jam packed... I can't wait to get it cleaned out. I've been going and sorting the clothes he can't wear. Plus, since his toys are cleaned out... there are some in his closet. (We've cut down enough to where all his toys fit in his room! I've cleaned off 8 bookshelves in my living room. I now have room to display pictures, etc.) I'm almost embarrassed to share the pictures. Don't worry though... I'll be sure to share to after pictures so that I have proof that his closet does NOT normally look like this.

I can tell that its summer because the hot weather is definitely here. It's been 100+ since last week. Cameron and I have been spending plenty of time in the pool since last weekend. Today, I think I spent a little too much time out there before I reapplied my sunscreen. I'm feeling a bit crispy! Thank goodness I lathered Cameron well enough and he did okay.

Since it's July, my mind and attention have definitely turned more to Nathan. I can't believe it's been almost a year since he was here in my arms. Part of me wants to "celebrate" his birthday privately and part of me wants to have a party and share his day with those around me. I talked to Allen about it and he seems a little uncomfortable with a party. He avoided the conversation with a, "We'll see." Either way, it will be a bittersweet day I'm sure. I definitely plan to have a cake for him and I've already ordered a sky lantern to release.

Whether we have a party of not, I enjoyed "pinning" lots of great party ideas... just for him! Since he reminds me of a butterfly, I wanted to do "The Hungry Caterpillar". I know I want it to be rainbow colored inside but these are the "cakes" that I'm trying to decide between...

Mother's Day

I thank God everyday for the amazing gift of being Cameron and Nathan's mom. :-) Whether you hold your child in your arms or in your heart, I'm wishing you a Happy Mother's Day. For those who are struggling with infertility, I remember those days as well. I'm thinking of you and praying that your arms are filled soon. ♥ CDS & NAS ♥ *The picture is of me, Cameron and our "Nathan Bear" which Cameron made at Build-A-Bear on Nathan's due date.

Post-Op, Part One

This was what I posted on my Facebook page on Friday...

And boy did I mean it!!! I was so nervous up until right before I went in Thursday. Right before they came and got me, I told my mom that if anything were to happen to me during surgery; I had left a letter for Cameron in his memory box. Mom said, "You'll be fine. I don't smell flowers and haven't in awhile."

Yes, I know that sounds weird but my mom has this scary, freaky ability to "smell death". She never knows who, when, what or where it will happen... she just knows that someone is going to die (usually within the next 2 weeks). She'll smell funeral flowers. The stronger the smell, the closer she is to the person.

I'm not sure how funeral flowers smell different than any other flower... but to her, they have a distinctly different smell. Somehow, just hearing her say that seemed to put my mind as ease. I actually walked into surgery and got on the OR table completely calm. I feel a bit silly, looking back now, but that pre-op fear really got a hold of me.



My pre-op picture, right before walking into the OR.

I'm sitting here on the couch, spoiling my child... allowing him to stay up late. We're chillin' on the couch - me on my laptop and him watching his super heroes (The Avengers) on Daddy's cellphone via Netflix. I love it!!

Above: Mommy trying to be sneaking and grab a picture but he caught me. I got part of

his head. It's hard taking a picture when you can't see what's in the frame. LOL.

Well, I'm going to make this short... I'll update again later.

The Night Before

Well, it's officially after midnight so I'm banned from eating or drinking anything. I'm going to be so hungry tomorrow!! My surgery isn't scheduled until 2:45pm. :-(

I just ate a corn dog and some Cold Stone ice cream and milk right before midnight. I'm praying everything goes well because that is so not what I would've chosen for a last meal. I'm trying to add some humor because this fear is new and that fact that I can't shake it, has me on edge. I've never been scared, like this, going into surgery.

I even posted this to my birth club board tonight...

On one of my support boards, a mama is trying to find a supportive, positive group for her rainbow pregnancy. (A baby or pregnancy after a loss, for those who don't know what a rainbow baby or pregnancy is.) I can only imagine how difficult it would be to still be daily/actively involved in a loss support group while trying to "get over" the fear of a new pregnancy and trying to stay hopeful and positive about a happy outcome. We were all discussing our "other" support boards for loss, raising living children, etc. Typing my reply, really made me stop and think about the impact this group... you ladies... have had on my life. Going in for my surgery tomorrow, I've had some fear and hesitation. Something I've never experienced at any other time in my life, not even during any other surgeries, which has me a bit on edge. I wanted to take a moment and share what I put on there and thank you all for being such a great support to me over the years!

"I'm sorry you're having a hard time finding a place, Robin. I was SO amazingly blessed to stumble upon my birth club when I first got pregnant with my first son. About 50 of us moved from the public board to a private board and have been online friends ever since. Many of us have met in person, even though we all live all over the country (a few outside of the country). Last year, they started a Mama Meetup. They met in Vegas for a weekend last year and this year they are going on a cruise. (I'm so jealous!! Next year, I'm vowing to sell body parts and find a way go! LOL) We do Christmas and birthday exchanges, etc. When I got pregnant with Nathan, I never joined another birth club. My Feb08 Mamas have been with me through EVERYTHING! Other than my mom and my husband, they were the first ones to know when I lost Nathan. One of the girls stayed online with me for hours, that night, at the hospital while I was in labor. Many of them texted me through the night with prayers and positive messages of love. We have helped each other raise multiple children since, gone through divorces, celebrated new marriages, mourned deaths, etc. Many of them have experienced loss... several in the 2nd trimester, like me. Two years ago, one of our sweet boys died. He was 2 years old. It was heart wrenching for all of us! My heart literally hurt and I was in so much pain when I heard about it. We all cried for weeks and mourned with his mama. I can honestly say, those women have been my saving grace over the years and I'm closer to them than I am to some of my family. I wish everyone were as blessed to find that kind of support online!"

When I called Cameron last night on my last break to tell him good night, I had to get kinda snappy because he wouldn't let me go. I had to go so I wouldn't be late getting back. After about the 4th time of me saying, "Cameron, I have to go." He let out a big sigh and said, "Okay, mama. I just wanted to talk to you. I don't get to talk to you."

Okay... yeah, he ripped my heart out. I cried the whole way through the building, back to work. So last night, as I was getting ready to leave (yet another fun-filled 11-hour shift - note the sarcasm) I stopped and looked at the vacation book. Just my luck, there was 1 spot left. I filled out the request form and took the day off. I took him to preschool this morning, picked him afterwards and let him choose where we ate lunch. (He chose Biscuitville.) Then I told him that we were going to find a surprise! We drove out to Winston and went to SciWorks. We had a good time... just hanging out! On the way home, we stopped for Cold Stone ice cream and ate it BEFORE dinner! :-)

We spent a good portion of the night playing in his room with his kitchen set and just hanging out together. It felt good just being with him and soaking up those moments. Of course, all day I've thought about this being my "last day". As I put him to bed tonight, I prayed to God that I'm able to do it again tomorrow night. That boy will never understand or know how much I love him and how amazing he makes my life! My husband gave me the best gift in the world when he gave me our boys.

I'm sitting here in tears because this fear is eating me up. I've been so close to just canceling the surgery so many times today. I've heard that song "Live Like You Were Dying" (or whatever the name is) but it's always been just a song. Today, it took on a whole new meaning. We get so caught up in the day to day... we're too busy and distracted to see just how precious life is sometimes. It makes you stop and think, "What would I do differently if I knew it was my last day alive?"

Well, I'm signing off and praying that I can get some sleep tonight. Send some prayers and positive vibes my way... because I sure need them. Not to be negative or depressing, but if something should go wrong... I'll see ya'll on the other side. I'll be easy to spot...

I'll be the smiling girl holding a precious baby boy.

Pre-Op

Facebook status for today: I survived a waiting room full of pregnant women, got my blood work done (negative pregnancy test), $1,425 down payment = surgery pre-op done. (It was hard but I actually made it out of the OB's office without crying for the first time since last July.) Now, I just countdown to next Thursday and see what happens. Today, I needed a good reminder (and a good cry) that I was blessed even though the journey was short lived. Mommy loves you, little man! I thank God everyday that I was blessed to carry you all of your life. ♥

It was tough and I had to fight the tears a couple times but I did it... I made it through an OB visit without crying. Two ladies were talking in the waiting room (both pregnant with boys, I overheard). They were talking with an older lady there (who I overheard has 2 grown daughters) about just general pregnancy stuff. Part of me wanted them to ask me about my kids (I had Cameron with me) but then part of me was glad that they ignored me. One of the ladies was a first time mom and I just don't think I could've talked like Nathan didn't exist but I wouldn't want to scare her or give her a glimpse of a bad experience either.

I still remember the day I was "one of them". Just a normal day but... not normal at all. I sat in that waiting room pregnant and I remember thinking how great is was to be there and how wonderful my life was. I still remember what I was wearing: a Ronald McDonald house t-shirt and jeans. I remember Cameron playing with his Mr. Potato Heads. I remember the two cute (but obnoxious) little boys who walked over and helped themselves to his toys. I remember the very pregnant mama, who tried (not very hard) to get them to come back to her and leave us alone. That waiting room will never be the same place for me again. I think I left a part of myself in that waiting room and I have no idea how to get her back... or if I can even get her back. It like I'm still waiting there... waiting for my life to make sense, to understand what went wrong. I think even Cameron senses the change in that room. Today, as we were sitting there... I noticed him watching a little girl and her mom (who was very pregnant). Just the way he looked at the mom, it was like his wheels were turning but I don't know what he was thinking. I asked him what was wrong, if he was okay. He just laid his head against me and gave me a hug. I told him that he could talk to me about anything he was feeling or thinking. I told him that I understood... it made me a little sad to be there also.

It's so hard to go through this. I try so very hard not to project my emotions onto him or anyone else around me. I don't want attention or a pity party. I don't need people to feel sorry for me. People tell me that I'm brave and strong. Oh, how I wish I was. I feel so weak and lost. I'm doing my best to learn how to live this new life that I've been given. I mean, they don't give you a manual that explains how to continue living when your baby dies. You just have to wing it. Some days I feel like I'm doing it "right" and some days... I feel like a total failure.

I got my blood work done and it was so sweet... Cameron said he'd hold my hand. As she went to stick the needle in, he started patting my hand and said, "It's okay mama... it's okay." Man, I sure do love that boy! She told me that I could have the pregnancy test results if I wanted to wait about 5 minutes. I had to go and arrange payment, insurance information and all that... so I told her I'd be back. I walked back in and told her that I was back for my results. She said it was negative. I tried to smile as I said, "I figured it would be." I just turned around and walked out. I knew if I stayed, I'd break... I'd cry. I knew it would be negative but there was part of me that had a moment of sadness and disappointment when she said it. I'll probably test again, at home, the morning of the surgery... just because.

I watched the video behind the song and oh, my... tears!!! While I wish no parent had to lose a child, I can't imagine a more precious gift than to have the time to process and plan for those once in a lifetime moments... to have the chance to tell your baby the things you want to tell them, to hold them, to take in those few precious moments of having them in your life. To have the honor and privilege to be there as they enter the world and when they leave it... to know that your baby felt your love the whole time.

Part one:




Part two:




Part three:






Part of me still grieves for the birth experience I wish I'd had with Nathan. I'm still so bitter sometimes about what was taken from he and I. (I think a part of me always will be.) I wish I'd been able to bring him into the world and had the moments the Smith family had. I don't think carrying him longer would have made any difference in how much he was missed or how painful it would have been. I have this image... this "movie" in my head of how I wish things had gone. I think I'll always wonder what might have been... how different this experience could've been if things had been different. If he'd been a few weeks older, if Allen had been with me, if we'd been able to dress him, get footprints, have something he touched, had family there to love him with us... and on and on...

Pictures

It dawned on me today, that I never got Cameron's birthday pictures posted. Whoops...
(There is a back, play and forward button at the bottom, if you scroll over the picture.)

Back to the Grind

I'm going back into the clean room area at work, starting today. It sucks. Doing the DHR's and running backup for the PB office over the last year or so, I've gotten used to the luxury of not having to do the mandatory overtime that the rooms have been running. I've been able to volunteer to come in early and cover someone else's shift when I want to. This week, I'm having to work three eleven hour shifts plus two eight hour shifts. I don't mind the overtime so much, I just wish I could work over instead of going in the early. I hate going in early. On eleven hour days, I work from 11:30am until 10:30pm. I feel like by the time I get up, its time to go to work... especially with Cameron in preschool now. When I drop him off at 9am on Monday and Wednesday, I don't see him for the rest of the day. Its around 11pm before I get home and he's already in bed. I miss him already and hate that I'm not going to be there to pick him up after school. He gave me tight hug when I dropped him off at preschool this morning and said, "I'll miss you at work, mommy." It's going to be a long week...

I can't stand him not being with me, especially in a car. I know accidents can happen to anyone but there is just something about him being with me. I can't shake the thought that if something were to happen, I want to be with him. I want my face and my voice to be the last thing he sees or hears before leaving this earth. I want to be comforting and holding him and telling him how much I love him. I know that sounds morbid and negative. I don't mean to be. I'm realistic. I now know, first hand, that babies and children die. The thought of something happening to him, scares me. The thought of something happening to him without me there, terrifies me.

I guess I just have to suck it up and deal with it. With Allen not working, I can't afford to lose my job or try and search out another one. I'm carrying all of us on my benefit package, which I worked hard to get. (I spent several years temping at places, not getting any insurance or benefits.) After paying the bills this week and getting groceries, I have about $35 left. It has to last me with gas and anything else until Friday. :-(

The last couple days, I feel like everything is just minutes from caving in on me... so much on my mind. Last night, I finally forced myself to bed around 2am... only to lay there and stare at the ceiling, trying to get my mind to shut down.

big sigh.

7 Months

7 months... how has it been 7 months? Almost 7 months the exact hour/minute, to be exact. He was born at 2:32am and it's 2:18am as I type this. I'm still trying to figure out how my days are getting "easier". I don't cry every day... sometimes not every week. But the guilt is still hard. It gets harder as time goes on. I'll go through my day, laugh, smile. But I'm reminded many times throughout the day, that he's still gone. The guilt robs me of every happy moment I know I should be having. The guilt of living while he isn't. The guilt of enjoying things and moments when I know he never will. I keep waiting for that imaginary day when everything will be okay again and all of this pain will vanish. I'm sure that, from the outside, I look fine... like I've got it all together. If only they could see that, on the inside, I'm still so very broken.

It's after midnight which means it's officially February 21st... a bittersweet day. My baby boy should've been turning 2 months old. Instead, we'll be celebrating his big brother's 4th birthday without him. See... I can't even talk about Cameron's special day without feeling like I have to include Nathan. I feel bad for leaving him out. (big sigh)

We had Cameron's birthday party this weekend. He had a good time and I think it turned out nicely. He decided that he wanted a pirate party. I had so many cute ideas but it's hard to plan a party in February. You never know what the weather will be like. Last year, it was so nice that we rented 2 bounce houses for the yard. This year, it was supposed to be cold and rainy so I skipped the fun outdoor stuff. Well, of course, the day of the party is was gorgeous and 62 degrees. But by that night, it had dropped into the 30's and started snowing. We got about 1"... our first snow of the year. Sadly, it was gone before we even got up the next morning.

Allen quit his job 3 weeks ago... so things have been crazy, to say the least. It's been brewing for months. I guess I just didn't realize he was so serious about it. I can't wait for our tax refund to arrive. We're using it to pay off some bills. I'm hoping that it'll be a huge weight off my shoulders. It's scary being to only one who is supporting the family. I don't really care if he works or not... as long as we can get by. Cameron is getting used to having us both home during the day. I have to say... it's nice having someone to watch Cameron in the mornings if I need some extra sleep. Especially on the nights when I work over for a 10-12 hour shift and don't get off until midnight or 2:30am. He has an appointment for March 2nd with the community college to see about going back for his GED. I'm trying to stay positive but not to get my hopes up. I've heard it too many times over the years, about him wanting to go back and get his GED... but he never actually follows through. We'll see...

6 Months

I can't believe its been six months. Half a year. Part me says, "That sounds like an eternity" but then part of me says, "Its only been six months?" I was going to get on here yesterday, the actual day but I just couldn't. I spent most of the day in denial... just trying to forget what day it was. I tried to pretend that it was just another ordinary day.

When I think about it, I have no idea where the last six months have gone. Day by day, especially the hard days, I wonder how I'll get through the day. However, when I look back... I see that I've managed to survive the last six months... one day at a time.

I saw this at Hobby Lobby a few weeks ago. I've been trying to find some more because I have several friends who instantly came to mind when I saw it and I'd love to send one to them. I'd also love to find a bunch to include in our YAMC memory boxes. I think it's really the best thing that can be said to a baby loss parent. It's the only way to survive and "get through it"... you just concentrate on one day at a time.

(This isn't it... but its as close as I can find. I haven't taken a picture of it yet.)

I stayed up looking through Cameron's baby pictures... trying to remember what he was like at one month old. I couldn't help but smile. He was such a great baby! I'm sure it was tough but I honestly don't remember anything but the pure bliss. Maybe its because he was our much prayed for miracle and I've blocked out the negative, tiring stuff. I know most people are exhausted and can't wait to get through the first year but really, I wish I could go back. It is true when they say "Time flies!" I can't believe he's almost 4! Where have the years gone?

Nathan should be turning one month, had he made it to term. As I go through Cameron's baby pictures, I'm reminded of all the cherished moments of Cameron's first month.

Thoughts

Everyone is in bed and I'm sitting here thinking of what life would be like, having another little one in the house. Nathan would be 2 weeks and 4 days old today. I can't help but think back to when Cameron was that age. I've been sitting here looking through his baby pictures. (This picture was taken on the day he came home from the hospital.)

Oh, how I miss him being a baby! What I wouldn't give to go back. We were so blessed, as he was such an easy baby! There are days when I'm so glad to be past the days of diapers, bottles, breastfeeding and a million pieces of "baby gear" all over the house. But then, there are days when I really miss it. It's a bittersweet feeling, I suppose.

I think that as I go through Nathan's "supposed to be first year"... I'm going to go back through Cameron's. I hope that it will give me some positive and happy feelings, as well as, remind me to parent and mommy the living child that I'm blessed to have here on Earth.

I'll be honest and say that, I've been so caught up in MY feelings and MY grief... I've neglected my role as a mother to a living child. Poor Cameron has had a rough year and I really need to get back on track and try to make things stable for him. I need to remember to slow down and take time to enjoy HIM.

So far, this blog has been mainly sad, depressing, grief-stricken and all about Nathan. Well, as the title clearly states... my life includes, not only an angel but a doodle also. ;-)

As you've read and learned everything there is to know about Nathan, now I think its time to let Cameron shine in the spotlight also. Stay tuned, as I will be telling you a little about my doodle, Cameron in the posts coming up!