The Night Before

Well, it's officially after midnight so I'm banned from eating or drinking anything. I'm going to be so hungry tomorrow!! My surgery isn't scheduled until 2:45pm. :-(

I just ate a corn dog and some Cold Stone ice cream and milk right before midnight. I'm praying everything goes well because that is so not what I would've chosen for a last meal. I'm trying to add some humor because this fear is new and that fact that I can't shake it, has me on edge. I've never been scared, like this, going into surgery.

I even posted this to my birth club board tonight...

On one of my support boards, a mama is trying to find a supportive, positive group for her rainbow pregnancy. (A baby or pregnancy after a loss, for those who don't know what a rainbow baby or pregnancy is.) I can only imagine how difficult it would be to still be daily/actively involved in a loss support group while trying to "get over" the fear of a new pregnancy and trying to stay hopeful and positive about a happy outcome. We were all discussing our "other" support boards for loss, raising living children, etc. Typing my reply, really made me stop and think about the impact this group... you ladies... have had on my life. Going in for my surgery tomorrow, I've had some fear and hesitation. Something I've never experienced at any other time in my life, not even during any other surgeries, which has me a bit on edge. I wanted to take a moment and share what I put on there and thank you all for being such a great support to me over the years!

"I'm sorry you're having a hard time finding a place, Robin. I was SO amazingly blessed to stumble upon my birth club when I first got pregnant with my first son. About 50 of us moved from the public board to a private board and have been online friends ever since. Many of us have met in person, even though we all live all over the country (a few outside of the country). Last year, they started a Mama Meetup. They met in Vegas for a weekend last year and this year they are going on a cruise. (I'm so jealous!! Next year, I'm vowing to sell body parts and find a way go! LOL) We do Christmas and birthday exchanges, etc. When I got pregnant with Nathan, I never joined another birth club. My Feb08 Mamas have been with me through EVERYTHING! Other than my mom and my husband, they were the first ones to know when I lost Nathan. One of the girls stayed online with me for hours, that night, at the hospital while I was in labor. Many of them texted me through the night with prayers and positive messages of love. We have helped each other raise multiple children since, gone through divorces, celebrated new marriages, mourned deaths, etc. Many of them have experienced loss... several in the 2nd trimester, like me. Two years ago, one of our sweet boys died. He was 2 years old. It was heart wrenching for all of us! My heart literally hurt and I was in so much pain when I heard about it. We all cried for weeks and mourned with his mama. I can honestly say, those women have been my saving grace over the years and I'm closer to them than I am to some of my family. I wish everyone were as blessed to find that kind of support online!"

When I called Cameron last night on my last break to tell him good night, I had to get kinda snappy because he wouldn't let me go. I had to go so I wouldn't be late getting back. After about the 4th time of me saying, "Cameron, I have to go." He let out a big sigh and said, "Okay, mama. I just wanted to talk to you. I don't get to talk to you."

Okay... yeah, he ripped my heart out. I cried the whole way through the building, back to work. So last night, as I was getting ready to leave (yet another fun-filled 11-hour shift - note the sarcasm) I stopped and looked at the vacation book. Just my luck, there was 1 spot left. I filled out the request form and took the day off. I took him to preschool this morning, picked him afterwards and let him choose where we ate lunch. (He chose Biscuitville.) Then I told him that we were going to find a surprise! We drove out to Winston and went to SciWorks. We had a good time... just hanging out! On the way home, we stopped for Cold Stone ice cream and ate it BEFORE dinner! :-)

We spent a good portion of the night playing in his room with his kitchen set and just hanging out together. It felt good just being with him and soaking up those moments. Of course, all day I've thought about this being my "last day". As I put him to bed tonight, I prayed to God that I'm able to do it again tomorrow night. That boy will never understand or know how much I love him and how amazing he makes my life! My husband gave me the best gift in the world when he gave me our boys.

I'm sitting here in tears because this fear is eating me up. I've been so close to just canceling the surgery so many times today. I've heard that song "Live Like You Were Dying" (or whatever the name is) but it's always been just a song. Today, it took on a whole new meaning. We get so caught up in the day to day... we're too busy and distracted to see just how precious life is sometimes. It makes you stop and think, "What would I do differently if I knew it was my last day alive?"

Well, I'm signing off and praying that I can get some sleep tonight. Send some prayers and positive vibes my way... because I sure need them. Not to be negative or depressing, but if something should go wrong... I'll see ya'll on the other side. I'll be easy to spot...

I'll be the smiling girl holding a precious baby boy.

Back to the Grind

I'm going back into the clean room area at work, starting today. It sucks. Doing the DHR's and running backup for the PB office over the last year or so, I've gotten used to the luxury of not having to do the mandatory overtime that the rooms have been running. I've been able to volunteer to come in early and cover someone else's shift when I want to. This week, I'm having to work three eleven hour shifts plus two eight hour shifts. I don't mind the overtime so much, I just wish I could work over instead of going in the early. I hate going in early. On eleven hour days, I work from 11:30am until 10:30pm. I feel like by the time I get up, its time to go to work... especially with Cameron in preschool now. When I drop him off at 9am on Monday and Wednesday, I don't see him for the rest of the day. Its around 11pm before I get home and he's already in bed. I miss him already and hate that I'm not going to be there to pick him up after school. He gave me tight hug when I dropped him off at preschool this morning and said, "I'll miss you at work, mommy." It's going to be a long week...

I can't stand him not being with me, especially in a car. I know accidents can happen to anyone but there is just something about him being with me. I can't shake the thought that if something were to happen, I want to be with him. I want my face and my voice to be the last thing he sees or hears before leaving this earth. I want to be comforting and holding him and telling him how much I love him. I know that sounds morbid and negative. I don't mean to be. I'm realistic. I now know, first hand, that babies and children die. The thought of something happening to him, scares me. The thought of something happening to him without me there, terrifies me.

I guess I just have to suck it up and deal with it. With Allen not working, I can't afford to lose my job or try and search out another one. I'm carrying all of us on my benefit package, which I worked hard to get. (I spent several years temping at places, not getting any insurance or benefits.) After paying the bills this week and getting groceries, I have about $35 left. It has to last me with gas and anything else until Friday. :-(

The last couple days, I feel like everything is just minutes from caving in on me... so much on my mind. Last night, I finally forced myself to bed around 2am... only to lay there and stare at the ceiling, trying to get my mind to shut down.

big sigh.

Doctor's Appointment

I finally got in to see my OB today. (It only took 3 months and 3 re-scheduled appointments.) I had called back in October because I was still having a lot of cramping and pain. The nurse mentioned that it wasn't normal to still be hurting and I should make an appointment to be seen. Well, guess it wasn't too serious because they couldn't get me in for almost a month, right before Thanksgiving. I ask if they have anything earlier and she tells me that I can keep calling back and see if they get a cancellation. Well, about a week later... they did. Then Aunt Flo decided to arrive a week early, so I had to reschedule. And of course, my original appointment time was booked by then so I couldn't get it back. I ended up having to make a December appointment, the week before Christmas. When they call the "confirm" my appointment they tell me its at 2:45pm. What?!?! I KNOW I made a morning appointment because I work at night and can't do afternoon appointments. So guess what... yeap, had to reschedule. By this point I'm getting TICKED and about ready to just say forget it and cancel the whole darn thing. Finally I actually made it to the appointment today!

He does a pelvic exam and basically tells me the pain I'm experiencing is probably the endometriosis adhering to my organs. The pain and symptoms I'm having (in addition to the "normal" endo symptoms) is where the cysts and adhesions are messing with the nerve endings to my back, rectum, legs... everything. He reviewed my emergency c-section notes from having Cameron back in 2008 and he said I was a mess then. (He delivered Cameron.) Of course, at the time... he was trying to save Cameron and couldn't worry about all that. He said there's no telling what all has been going on in there for the past 4 years.

I have to keep a pain and symptom journal for 2 months and then go back for an ultrasound in March to discuss "the plan". I hate the plan. Last time we had a "plan"... I ended up with a surgery that lasted twice as long as it was supposed to and still ended up losing an ovary and tube at age 25. (In his defense, I was seeing another doctor then.) He then tells me "Of course, if you were to get pregnant... it would pull the adhesions away and the hormones would shrink them, in a sense."

Yeah... thanks. Great advice. I wanted to smack him and then say...

#1 it took almost 5 years and a fertility specialist to get pregnant with my first child (3 years to get Nathan). So um, pregnancy isn't necessarily a given... a "just go off the pill and go for it" kinda outcome for me. You know this, you moron!

#2 It's only been six months (this coming Saturday) since I lost my baby. I should have a one month old right now! I don't want to think about another baby. I want MY baby... I want NATHAN!

#3 I'm scared.. no, scratch that... TERRIFIED, at the thoughts of being pregnant again. I was a few days late the other month and I freaked out when I realized it. My heart started racing and I just cried. Why? I have no clue. I mean I would be happy and love another baby... but I just haven't sorted out my feelings about future children, if there are any.

#4 How the heck do I get pregnant when sex is so friggin' painful? Most days, I do it just to make my husband happy. He has spent way too much of our marriage being "celibate" because I couldn't have sex. I know many times, over the years, where he's had to go weeks and months without it. Trust me... if any man had an excuse to cheat, he would. The fact that he never pressures me or makes me feel guilty... that tells me that he loves me. He has always been patient and understanding. (I really don't know how I got so lucky. Some days, I don't feel like I deserve him!) I remember when we were trying to get pregnant with Cameron, many times he would just hold me while I cried because it hurt so bad. He would want to stop but I would say no, just do it already... I'm fertile today! Sorry... that post got a little graphic, huh?!! ;-)

I read a blog post by Laura, over at Moments of Pause, tonight. Man, I could have copied and pasted a lot of what she wrote. So much of it is where I am. Here it is, if you want to read it... "Not To Be" post.

I'm just so lost and confused and scared about what the "next step" should be. Do I want more children? Am I okay with just Cameron here and Nathan in Heaven? Should I have another laparotomy and hope they can "clean me up" and try to preserve what's left of my fertility? Should I have another surgery and chance a hysterectomy or just go ahead with a hysterectomy? Agh... so many questions, unknowns and fears.

Fear and Reality

I came across this post today and I could relate to so much of what she wrote. For me, the hardest part of all this is that nothing is going to change that fact my son isn't here with me. No amount of prayer or explanation is going to make him magically appear. There isn't anything that can be said to make me feel all better. My eyes have been opened to the stark reality of death and I can't close them and pretend it never happened.

People keep asking if we're going to try again. I'm too scared to say yes or no. I feel completely paralyzed with the decision. Before, I figured once you made it past 12 weeks... you were safe. You were out of the first trimester "danger zone". My experience has made it very clear that that isn't the case. 2nd trimester loss is possible. The stories I've read and the people I've met on this baby loss journey, make me realize that we are never "safe". Even if we make it full-term... baby, infant and child loss is still possible. It reminds me of the following saying:

“Making the decision to have a child - It's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." - Elizabeth Stone

Regardless of where your children are, part of you will be with them forever. It isn't possible to become a mother without giving part of yourself away. I gave part of my heart away on June 15, 2007 and again on April 24, 2011, when I found out I was pregnant with each of my boys.

Before I lost Nathan, I had heard of babies and children dying but it always happens to other people... not me. You read the story in the paper or hear about someone a friend knows and think 'I feel so sorry for them. How horrible?!?! I can't imagine...' I've now become that "other person". Sadly, I don't have to imagine. I know how it feels. I know that it can happen... it happened to me.

I have so much fear in letting Cameron out of my sight. Allen can walk Cameron across the road to his parents house and I'm watching out the window to make sure they made it across the road okay. I worried about him before but now, its like I can imagine every horrible scenario. I have to try so hard not to let the fear completely take over. I could try and pretend that I'm now safe. After all, how cruel would it be for me experience the loss of another child. Unfortunately, I know that lightening can strike twice. I could lose Cameron or another baby... I'm not protected or shielded from that. There is nothing about me that makes me special or immune. I know that a child can be taken from me and I feel completely powerless. I hate feeling like I have no control... or at least the illusion of having control.