Crappy Day

This sucks. I'm so pissed. I can't even stop to tears today. They flow without caring that I don't want them. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I want an easy button. Where's that damn Staples commercial when you need it?!?! I don't know that I even have the energy or willpower to try and fake it today.

I'm trying so hard to get through this crap without letting it completely destroy my family... but man, it's hard. Somehow in the last five months, we've gone from a pretty happy... not perfect, Hallmark happy... but happy enough family to one that is snappy and depressing.

Cameron has been horrible the last couple weeks. I realize part of it may be is age and a phase that he's going through. However, I think the majority of it is coming from everything going on around him. I try so hard not to cry and be sad around him but I'm not a very good actress. I can't pretend that everything is fabulous 24/7. I have my moments of weakness. Unfortunately, here lately those moments have appeared when Cameron is acting out and my patience is thin. I've turned into a horrible mom. I can't but wonder if it's why God took Nathan... because he saw that I wouldn't be a very good mom to 2 children. Maybe he saw that I wouldn't have had enough patience, time or attention. I feel so much like I'm being punished. Trouble is... I don't know what I've done that's bad enough to deserve this.

I know Allen is hurting, in his own weird way. He's lost a lot this year also. Even though he didn't see Nathan... he still lost a son. He's lost a part of his wife. He sits by and has to watch me go through this. He's lost his dad. He's having to watch his mom, grieve and miss him. I can't imagine how helpless he must feel, knowing that there isn't a damn thing he can do for either of us.

This is not how it was supposed to be. We aren't bad people. We don't deserve this. Not that anyone does... but today I'm being selfish and this post is about me and my family.