I've been able to hear the storm brewing for about an hour now. It's finally getting close now. I was sitting out on the porch, in the rocking chair, a little while ago and I felt this sense of de'ja' vu. As I sat there, the wind picked up and a warm, gentle breeze began to blow my hair. It's been so hot recently but with the storm coming, it's cooled down today. It reminds me of the warm, nighttime breeze you feel coming off the ocean at the beach. It's a warm breeze that gives the slightest hint of a chill. (Does that make sense?) It the distance, I could hear the low rumble and then the flashes of lightening behind the clouds. It's beautiful. I wish I had a good camera or video camera to capture it. I looked up and could see a small patch of sky through a break in the clouds. I could see the tiny, twinkling stars. And then I remembered a moment very similar, almost a year ago. It brought everything back... the pain, the missing him, the hurt, the confusion... all of it. It feels so much like yesterday.
I remember sitting in the exact same scene a couple weeks after Nathan died. It was sometime early in the morning... maybe 2 or 3am. I used to stay up late because I couldn't sleep. There was just something about being awake and remembering him at 2:32am... the time he came into the world. I remember Allen and Cameron were in bed. In those early days, I didn't want anyone to see me cry. I did most of my crying in the shower or outside, late at night, when everyone was in bed. (I still do... truth be told.) I remember looking at the stars and wondering where, in that big sky, my baby was. I wondered what the storm looked like on his side of the clouds. I wondered if one of those stars that were twinkling, were a sign for me. A sign to let me know that he was okay. Then, it began to rain... slow, light raindrops. I sat out there, with tears streaming down my face, and wondered if God was crying with me. Did He even care how much I hurt, how much I missed my son? I sat there in the rain until I began to feel clammy and chilled. At that point, I didn't even care that I was getting wet and a thunderstorm was nearing. I hurt so much. Finally, after I'd cry more than I even knew was possible, I went inside and went to bed.
In exactly one week, Nathan will be celebrating his 1st birthday in Heaven, while I continue to miss him. I'm trying hard to prepare myself. I have mixed emotions about that day. One part of me wants to celebrate his birthday... while the other part of me wants to mourn. After all, it was also the day was born already dead and that doesn't seem like an appropriate thing to "celebrate". Part of me wants to hold a party to share his special day and part of me wants to have that day, and him, all to myself. I'm not sure how to handle it all. I know that even if he'd been born alive, he'd have never survived at that gestation... so how could that even really be his "birthday"? His birthday is supposed to be in December. December means nothing anymore. All the "specialness" of December vanished in July. It feels kinda weird to be thinking of his 1st birthday... knowing that he should be 7 months old. My son should be sitting up and trying to crawl. He should be doing so many things...
Instead, he is still there and I'm still here... missing him so very much.
