Hospital Appointment

I just realized that I didn't talk about the visit to the hospital. I saw the maternity floor coordinator on Thursday about our project, You are my Child. I guess it went pretty good. She is supposed to find out some more information for me. There were a few questions that she didn't have an answer to. Of course, I was kinda nervous and totally blotched the entire conversation (or that's how I felt). I kept trying to remind myself that I was there to be a source of help for the other parents... not to bash them (the hospital) and tell them about all the regrets I left with. (Although, I did share a few with her.)

She said that she thought they had an organization that donated clothing and blankets years ago but she couldn't remember if or why they stopped. She gave me some information about the statistics (numbers) of losses they have. Of course, it kinda hurt a little when she said that they only count the babies born in the maternity suite. Basically, cases like mine (which are apparently rare) aren't counted because we deliver on the maternity floor in a regular room, not in the maternity suite. Last year, they had 18 "fetal losses" in the maternity suite. This year, as of the end of August, they've already had 17. Those numbers don't reflect babies who are miscarried and delivered via D&C or like me, outside of the maternity suite.

That kinda sucks because the earlier losses are the ones we are primarily targeting. Not to say the later, 3rd trimester losses, aren't as important. It's just that more people/organizations/hospitals are geared towards helping those families already. Those families leave with footprints and keepsakes. When I showed her one of the memory boxes, she asked about the ruler in it. I told her that I didn't know the procedure for different gestations, but that Nathan wasn't measured. She said, "There isn't a reason to. We have no statistical purpose to." I had to compose myself for a minute before I continued because frankly, it pissed me off. I told her that I measured Nathan with my hand and that was the only reason I had a measurement for him. Parents like me, leave with so little. When at all possible, we want the same things that a parent of a stillborn or full-term baby would get. To be able to leave with an outfit or blanket our child touched... to have an accurate, medical weight and length... to have a picture... to have footprints... those things are just as important and priceless to parents of a 2nd trimester loss.

I did get an answer about the footprints, and why we weren't able to get any of Nathan. It made me actually feel even better about my nurse. Knowing that the chances were slim to none, she still tried anyway. That warms my heart and lets me know that she really did care. Anyway, she told me that I was right and that the main reason was, not being able to get him dry enough and that at that gestation, they normally don't have enough ridges in their feet to pick up the ink. I didn't think about it until after I had left, but a girl on my support board lost her daughter about a week before me. Our babies were only a couple days different in gestation and she got footprints. I need to ask her and see if her hospital has a different protocol or if there is a different kind of ink or something that they use.

That understanding also shot the clay molds out of the water. She said since the babies limbs are so fragile and brittle, they aren't able to apply enough pressure to the baby's joints to get an indentation into the clay. It would be pretty useless to put them in the boxes for the smaller babies.

I had asked about the point in which they can start dressing the babies, without much fear of bruising them. She told me 25-30 weeks. I've seen smaller babies dressed so I was kinda confused by the information I've been getting from different sources. I realize the goal is to handle them as little as possible... so the outfits we're looking to make are very minimal, as far as having to manipulate babies in them. I guess I need to look more into this.

After talking to my therapist that afternoon, she mentioned that it might be a better idea to get with local OB offices and find out about distributing through them, since the hospitals don't keep realistic, accurate statistics of ALL losses. That way families have all these resources BEFORE they go to the hospital. Once they receive the devastating news, they can begin to view the resources and have a chance to digest what their choices are beforehand. So many life changing questions are asked right there in the hospital. What the staff doesn't get... is the fact that most of the time you aren't really there to make those decisions. Your body is but your mind and emotions are in shock. If we decide to go that route, we'll still donate to the hospital for the families who come in through the ER or who find out there, that their baby is no longer living or won't survive.

Lots to think about and work through. I'm still excited though. My hope is that we're opening the door for earlier losses to receive the same care, support and options (when possible) as the later losses. There is nothing that will make the situation better or easier but I pray that no parent has to leave the hospital with the pain and regrets I did. I hope that our resources will help them gain a positive, meaningful goodbye with their baby and they are able to leave with keepsakes... tangible proof that their baby existed.