I came across a blog hop... something I'd never heard of until now. I took a huge step when I shared Nathan's donation project's page publicly. I'm a new blogger and haven't actually shared this page with anyone. It's been my safe place. A place to vent without caring about anyone's opinion or feelings. So... as you can see, this is an even bigger step. Nika's post about sharing stories really helped me decide to jump. http://rebuildingabrokenheart.blogspot.com/2011/09/sharing-stories.html (She gave me permission to share her story.)
The blog hop is about what has brought you hope here lately. I read through the other blog posts and have been pondering this for a couple days now. What has brought me hope lately?
(About 10 minutes later... sitting and staring at the screen.) Okay... this is hard. Harder than I thought. You see... I'm still in a place of trying to figure out exactly what the heck has happened to my life. The mirror has been shattered and I'm still trying to put the pieces back together. I know the cracks will be there and it will always be broken... but maybe I can tape the pieces back together. I don't need to have a perfect mirror... I just want to be able to see again.
I think the thing that has brought me the most hope recently is Nathan's project. I've had so many people tell me how strong I am... especially for wanting to do something so soon after his death. I don't really have an answer, other than, I don't know what else to do. I don't have a choice. Life goes on and the sun comes up whether I want it to or not. I have a husband and another son here who need me. It doesn't matter whether its fair or not... I have to learn how to survive without Nathan here on Earth.
I now have something… a reason to keep going, a purpose. Of course, I have my husband and older son but this project gives me something that ties me to Nathan. It is like holding onto a small piece of him. I don't understand why he isn't here with me and I don't think I ever will. I just know that I can't go back and change anything with my situation but if I can hopefully help another parent avoid the regrets that I have; then perhaps it will make me feel like Nathan's life was important to someone other than me. I can't "mother him" or do anything to show my love for him… so I'll "mother" and pour my love and energy into his project.
I've met SO many people over the last 2 months. People that I would have never met if he were still inside me. I have a goal... a plan... a hope... that someone, besides me, will know how special his short life was. He has taught me so much about love, life, myself... and more importantly, about God. I've always believed in God but never have I felt His presence more than I do now. For that, I will be forever thankful for Nathan. I will praise God for the four short months that he let Nathan grow inside of me. He may have only been in my tummy for four months, but he will live in my heart until I take my last breath and join him.
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Sometimes I envy people that have never been through anything horrendous and painful. I know they mean well when they tell you how strong you are. And you are strong. But it's more than that because you really don't have a choice. To me it's lot like the world and life around you are moving ahead so fast that you're flailing and grasping at life's shirt tails, trying to grab and hold on for dear life because that's all you can do.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your project gives you hope. Sometimes even just an idea of hope is what it takes to pull yourself out of bed in the morning.