A new year of missing him...

My beautiful boy's 1st birthday has officially come and gone. It wasn't as difficult as I imagined it would be... for which I'm thankful. I miss him as much as I did a year ago but the pain isn't as raw and intense as it was in the beginning. He's beginning to weave himself into the layers of who I am and I'm beginning to grow comfortable having him there, beneath my heart. Okay? Never... it'll never be okay but I'll take what I can get. For now, my heart is the closest I can have him, so I'll take it.

A solar powered butterfly stone for Nathan's garden from Aunt JenJen (Allen's sister)

A butterfly yard stake for Nathan's garden from Aunt JenJen (Allen's sister)

Birthday dinner - crockpot shredded BBQ chicken sandwiches, mac n' cheese and crispy fries!

I wanted to try a new recipe... just something different for Nathan's special day.

I found a new BBQ chicken recipe and it was good!

Here's the link to the recipe.

Cameron and Granny (my mom) watching The Very Hungry Caterpillar on YouTube

Mommy and Cameron - Gosh, I love this kid!!! :-)

We had two sky lanterns that we were going to release but a giant thunderstorm rolled in and

rained us out. Cameron was so disappointed but I told him that we'd release them another day.

Happy 1st Birthday!

Nathan,

Happy 1st Birthday, my sweet angel! I wonder what kind of party that Jesus will be throwing you today. I'm sure it will be spectacular and more amazing than anything I could imagine.

I can't help it... I still feel like your place should be here, with me. Your brother woke up a little after 2am and I've been in trying to get him back to sleep. I was rubbing his back, looking at his face and wondering how much of him would've been in you. I wonder if you would have looked like him and your daddy or if I would've finally gotten a child that looked like me. I have to say, looking at your tiny features that night... I think I would've been 0-2 on it, with Daddy being the winner, yet again. LOL

I had planned on staying up until your birth time anyway. I've had your candle burning since about 7pm. I just blew it out, as I wished you a happy birthday, before I starting writing this. I'm going to pick up your birthday cake in the morning. Well, today... I guess. It is technically after midnight. I'm excited to see it. I got Carrie to make you a Hungry Caterpillar cake. I also got a sky lantern... the first one I've ever bought. I hoping that it doesn't rain tonight so we can release it.

I don't really know what to say because I know that nothing I say or do will change anything. My heart continues to miss you, as much as it did a year ago. I find myself reliving that night and trying so hard to will the tiny, details back into my mind and my memory. Those are the only things I have left to remember you... that tie me to you. I find myself angry and reliving the feelings of failure and disappointment (in myself) for the choices made that night. I'm trying not to dwell and let myself "go there" again because I know that it does nothing for either of us.

With everything in me, I will try to put on a smile and brave face today. I will celebrate the day and rejoice in the fact that I had you at all. Even though you were already gone by the time I birthed you, you were always my little miracle! Against all odds, you came into my life when nobody thought it was possible. Just as you were, your timing was also perfect. Had you not come, perhaps I would have had that hysterectomy. Had you not come, I would've never known this heartache. However, I don't regret it. You were, and continue to be, worth every single tear. They are tears of love... because I love and miss you. I don't know what our future looks like but I can't help but wonder what it would've been like with you here.

I hope you know that you will always be a missing part of our family... a missing part of me. I love you forever and ever....

Mommy

~ Your First Birthday In Heaven ~

 It’s your first birthday in Heaven
And I know you’re happy there.
I want you to know I miss you
And your absence is hard to bear.
They say time will heal the hurting
And I’m trusting that it will,
But if I live a hundred years
I know I’ll miss you still.
Enjoy your self in Heaven
With Jesus and friends so dear.
I’m looking forward to joining you there
When my life is through down here.

©Bob Hefner 7-28-01

As I'm writing you this message,
You won't believe all the things I see.
Heaven is so beautiful,
And it's now where you can find me.
The angels are all so wonderful,
And God is indeed my guiding light.
He opened up His arms to me,
When I arrived my first night.
He said "My child don't you worry,
You have truly come home.
And now that you're here,
You will never be alone."
To make it even more special,
You'll never guess what they've done.
They arranged my first birthday celebration,
Right here in Heaven!
Everything seems so perfect,
But something's still not quite right.
It's all of you I'm missing,
To help make my birthday bright.
It would be so amazing,
If you could be with me.
Helping me celebrate my birthday,
With my new Heavenly family.
I know the day will come,
When we will be together again,
But until that time comes,
I love you all...

A Bittersweet Day

I wanted to offer an update, copied and pasted, from You are my Child.

I had a wonderful meeting this morning and I'm proud to announce that we finally have our first hospital! I'm so excited about our partnership with Randolph Hospital. They were so grateful and excited about our memory boxes! Just talking with them, I could feel their passion and love for the families that they serve. I just know that this is going to be a fabulous collaboration, with the end result being such a gift to their patients. While it is always our hope that the memory boxes are never needed, we hope that our partnership with Randolph Hospital will be a successful one for many, many years to come!

Today has been a bittersweet day. I was so excited as I left the hospital but I couldn't help but think of how different my life was a year ago. A year ago, today, I laid on an exam table staring at my son's lifeless little body on an ultrasound screen as my OB sadly told me that he no longer had a heartbeat. I was induced on July 20th and he was born on July 21, 2011 at 2:32am. We're having a cake made for him and plan to release a sky lantern on Saturday for his 1st birthday. I will be working on assembling the boxes to see what else is needed before the first donation drop-off. Other than having him here, I can't think of a better way to spend his birthday than assembling memory boxes.

Thank you all for your love and support over the last year! It has been sincerely appreciated.

Thunderstorms

I've been able to hear the storm brewing for about an hour now. It's finally getting close now. I was sitting out on the porch, in the rocking chair, a little while ago and I felt this sense of de'ja' vu. As I sat there, the wind picked up and a warm, gentle breeze began to blow my hair. It's been so hot recently but with the storm coming, it's cooled down today. It reminds me of the warm, nighttime breeze you feel coming off the ocean at the beach. It's a warm breeze that gives the slightest hint of a chill. (Does that make sense?) It the distance, I could hear the low rumble and then the flashes of lightening behind the clouds. It's beautiful. I wish I had a good camera or video camera to capture it. I looked up and could see a small patch of sky through a break in the clouds. I could see the tiny, twinkling stars. And then I remembered a moment very similar, almost a year ago. It brought everything back... the pain, the missing him, the hurt, the confusion... all of it. It feels so much like yesterday.

I remember sitting in the exact same scene a couple weeks after Nathan died. It was sometime early in the morning... maybe 2 or 3am. I used to stay up late because I couldn't sleep. There was just something about being awake and remembering him at 2:32am... the time he came into the world. I remember Allen and Cameron were in bed. In those early days, I didn't want anyone to see me cry. I did most of my crying in the shower or outside, late at night, when everyone was in bed. (I still do... truth be told.) I remember looking at the stars and wondering where, in that big sky, my baby was. I wondered what the storm looked like on his side of the clouds. I wondered if one of those stars that were twinkling, were a sign for me. A sign to let me know that he was okay. Then, it began to rain... slow, light raindrops. I sat out there, with tears streaming down my face, and wondered if God was crying with me. Did He even care how much I hurt, how much I missed my son? I sat there in the rain until I began to feel clammy and chilled. At that point, I didn't even care that I was getting wet and a thunderstorm was nearing. I hurt so much. Finally, after I'd cry more than I even knew was possible, I went inside and went to bed.

In exactly one week, Nathan will be celebrating his 1st birthday in Heaven, while I continue to miss him. I'm trying hard to prepare myself. I have mixed emotions about that day. One part of me wants to celebrate his birthday... while the other part of me wants to mourn. After all, it was also the day was born already dead and that doesn't seem like an appropriate thing to "celebrate". Part of me wants to hold a party to share his special day and part of me wants to have that day, and him, all to myself. I'm not sure how to handle it all. I know that even if he'd been born alive, he'd have never survived at that gestation... so how could that even really be his "birthday"? His birthday is supposed to be in December. December means nothing anymore. All the "specialness" of December vanished in July. It feels kinda weird to be thinking of his 1st birthday... knowing that he should be 7 months old. My son should be sitting up and trying to crawl. He should be doing so many things...

Instead, he is still there and I'm still here... missing him so very much.