Slowly Returning

I haven't worked out or really cared much about anything over the last month or so. The house has been a wreck and it has taken everything I have just to get out of bed, get Cameron dressed, fed and to school and then go to work myself. I think Allen knew something was going on but I was just so snappy and distant. Every time he'd ask what was wrong, I'd just snap and walk off. I've never been one to talk about my feelings and emotions... so "this whole thing" has been really hard for me. Our marriage has been strained for a while now so our 12th anniversary (which is today) hasn't exactly been full of hearts and romance. However, I'm slowly returning to the land of the living. I'm trying to put my mind in a different "place". I'm really trying to focus on the reasons that I have to be happy. I'm so sick of feeling like I'm just existing and surviving each day. I'm tired of living in the past and living with the regrets of my life. I can't change them... it is what it is. I can dwell on them or I can say, "Screw it and let it go... lessons learned, as painful as some of them were."

Along with my marriage struggles, I've really gotten a dose of reality as far as my parenting skills go and... I'm so embarrassed. I used to TEACH preschool for crying out loud!! My degree is in Early Childhood Education!! Really, people... really?!?! I've seriously neglected my child over the last year and his behavior has really begun to show it. His behavior has become... well, has been (because it didn't happen overnight) horrible. Years ago (before kids) I would've thought to myself (about someone like me), "I'd never let my child act like that!" Yeah, well... I could've never imagine what the death of a baby would do to my physical and emotional self either.

I seriously have to dig us all back out of this. I cleaned his room and toys today and got everything organized. I'm going to see about making him a routine/chore chart. He is getting old enough to start being more independent and taking on some responsibility for his things.

I really like these magnets at Keeping Life Creative. I went out and bought the materials to make them and I emailed the lady to find out if the clipart is still available to purchase.

I also liked this type of daily routine chart but I can't remember where I found the idea/picture.

This site had some good "starter chores". I like this site but it might be something we'll do when he's older. The goal is to get all of this in motion, not only for him, but also to hold me accountable as well. I've spent so much of my time wrapped up in my own life that I've neglected him. I'm constantly online, on my Kindle, watching TV... really anything that allows me to "tap out" of reality and just be, for the most part, numb. I seriously have to start spending more time with him and being emotionally present.

I've got to find a way to bring us all back together. I have to fight for my marriage and try to find that flame that has been smoldering for far too long now. I could really use some prayers and encouragement as I know this is going to be a long (possible painful) dig for our whole family.

Well, gotta go. Munchkin needs a friend to paint watercolors with because... "I found an extra paintbrush, mom!" :-)

Depression

Never in my life have I experienced depression... until now. Over the last few weeks, I've noticed a change. I can't pinpoint exactly when it started but last week, I was certain of it. I spoke to my therapist about it at our session on Wednesday. She had me take the "Beck test" and according to my "score" I'm between moderate to severe. However, most of my answers lean toward a physiological depression instead of a "normal" chemical depression. She feels that medication may not help because I don't have any chemical or hormonal imbalance factors. (I know I'm not explaining it like she did but I don't really know how.) She said we would continue to work through and discuss it more at my next session. I don't really want medication. That just makes me feel weak. I was embarrassed for saying anything to begin with and agreeing to do the test.

No offense to anyone else but I've never thought of myself as one of "those" people (depressed people). I've always been the person who manages a smile or manages an "over-coat" to life's ups and downs. I've become pretty good at it. I don't like people thinking of me as "less than". I'm extremely private when it comes to my feelings and talking about them. My therapist knows more than anyone and even then, it's taken over a year to even start being honest and open with her. There is just something scary and intimidating about looking at a person (any person) and bearing my soul to them. I think that's why I tend to like this blog and my online friendships. I have the safety and protection of my screen between us.

I hate the way this feels. Every time I feel like I'm having a good day or thought, something starts to pull me back into a dark hole. It sucks.