Each month I add another number and I get farther and farther from that day when it all changed. He's now been gone twice as long as he lived. That hurts my heart.
For the most part, I'm doing okay. I have more "moments" than "days"... if that makes sense. I don't remember the last time I had a "bad day" all day. I struggle with moments of sadness, anger, guilt, etc... but not whole days. That makes me... unsure. Unsure about where I am on this journey. I know people say that grief has no timetable and that we all respond and grieve in our own way, but I can't help but wonder if I'm doing it "right". Am I at the right stage, at the appropriate time? Am I missing him less than I should? Am I missing him too much? Does my mind spend too much or too little time wondering, wishing that he were here?
He would be 3 months old, if he were here. I wonder if he would've been a happy, smiley, content baby (like his brother) or would he have been a cranky, colicky baby? I try not to idolize him because I know he wouldn't have been perfect. I try to be realistic. If he were here, I'd be complaining of the lack of sleep, etc. I'm not stupid, I still remember those early days of Cameron's infancy. I had horrible migraines... which I learned, in my case, are only triggered by lack of sleep. I never had them before Cameron and have had very few since he began sleeping through the night.
Here's some pictures of Cameron that were taken from 1 to 3 months old... just because I feel the need to share him. ♥ I miss these days... (There is a back, play and forward button at the bottom, if you scroll over the picture.)
I found out over the weekend, via Facebook, that my former supervisor's great-granddaughter passed away on Friday, March 16th. My heart instantly reached out, silently across miles and time, to her and her family. The baby was 5 months old. Her name was Myshelle Elizabeth. From what I understand, they are thinking it was SIDS. This is the picture on her obituary. Beautiful, isn't she?
I'm embarrassed to admit now, after seeing this precious girl's picture, I let anger take control of my emotions for far too long that day. The reaction people had, at work, infuriated me. If I hadn't rode to work with my mom that day, I would've left... that's how mad I was. They expressed so much compassion and sympathy for her and her family. They had a card going around as I walked in the door.
Yes, I know it was nice and the right thing for them to do. I know that the world doesn't revolve around me but it was a sting to the face. (Not quite a slap in the face.) The card I received was over a month after I lost Nathan and had already been back to work for over a week. It really felt like an "Opps, we forgot... I guess we should get a card" kinda thing. It really bothers me how differently people view and react to miscarriages vs. stillbirth and infant death. What made her 5 months on this Earth more important, more "worthy" than my son's 4 months in my womb? It just bothers me and I think always will... more than it should.
I got online, via my cell phone, and put in a prayer request on one of my support boards that night. I didn't explain the situation. I just told them that my emotions and thoughts needed a lot of help and prayers. Then I prayed, harder than I've prayed in a while... another thing I'm embarrassed of. I don't like letting anger take over me. I don't like the way it feels... especially a situation like that. I'm sitting here, angry at people for treating her death differently than's Nathan... yet, I'm doing the same thing. Losses can't be compared, yet I'm comparing.
The amazing thing is, that within 15-20 minutes of posting that and praying, I could feel the anger and emotion leave my body. It was a good feeling and I'm thankful for an answered prayer. Please keep little Myshelle Elizabeth's family in your thoughts and prayers. They are beginning a very long and painful journey.
