Random Baby Thoughts

I've never been the mom who "wishes" for a girl or boy during pregnancy. Honestly, during my pregnancy with Cameron... I knew he was a boy. I just knew it somewhere inside me. When the ultrasound tech asked if we wanted to know, we said yes. Almost immediately, he closed his legs and tucked them up against his tummy and raised his feet against his butt. It took some poking and prodding but he finally opened his legs back up. When she announced that it was a boy... I said, "I knew it."

Cameron's Anatomy/Gender Ultrasound

During my pregnancy with Nathan, I never had that feeling of knowing. I honestly had no clue! I kept saying that it was probably a boy because that seems to be what runs in Allen's gene pool. LOL. Nathan is the 12th grandchild. There are 11 boys and only 1 girl. I figured our chances were slim for a girl and I didn't want to end up being disappointed. I have to admit though, I did get slightly nudged towards wondering if it was girl because of how sick I was. I never got morning sickness with Cameron... no nausea or anything. With Nathan, it hit full force at 6 weeks and continued until he was born a couple days shy of 17 weeks. Everyone kept saying that it had to be a girl and that my hormones were reacting to her. Needless to say, I was a little surprised when the nurse announced that Nathan was a boy when he was born. Not disappointed, just surprised. Not that it mattered because, regardless of the gender, I knew my baby wasn't coming home with me.

That said... I can kinda see why some people decide not to find out the gender during pregnancy. If Nathan had been alive and at term to survive, I can only imagine the joy and excitement of finding out what he was. To have worked that hard at labor and delivery and finally had that sweet ending and announcement... it would have been wonderful.

I've been on the fence with trying again. I'm just so darn scared to put my heart out there again and chance the pain. My OB is really trying not to push but I can tell he wants me to try again. He has mentioned a couple times about referring me back to Dr. Y (our RE/fertility specialist) at Wake Forest or trying a round of Clomid. He knows my history and he has been there through all of our fertility struggles and he knows how my body has let me down time and time again. I honestly think he was as surprised as I was when I lost Nathan. I think we both figured getting pregnant would be the hardest thing I've ever face.

Pregnancy hasn't been prevented since we decided almost 10 years ago to start a family (wow, I didn't realize until just now that it had been that long). However, I haven't charted since I had Cameron. I know when I ovulate because I can feel it but I haven't done the whole temp. and track thing. It got really stressful there at the end before I got pregnant with Cameron. It was killing our sex life. Truth be told, between the infertility and loss of Nathan, it's still suffering sometimes.

I'm sure you're wondering where the heck this "conversation" is going... as I've steered completely to Japan and back. I got an email from a party website that I'm subscribed to about an adorable little princess party and it just made me a little dreamy for a moment. (I can't believe I'm saying this!) I love my boys... don't get me wrong but I can't help but wonder what life would be like with a daughter. I got to thinking about all the things I might miss... the little girl wanting to dress up and wear makeup like mama, the "boy" talks, holding her through her first heartbreak, watching her fall in love, seeing her daddy walk her down the aisle and give her away, sharing a bond with another woman (who I birthed), offering her support when she has her first born, etc. I think there is just something about the color pink, tea parties, dress up and all things girl... that makes me smile. Of course, songs like this don't help. ;-)

I know that even if we try again and get pregnant that there is no guarantee that we'll have a girl and I'm okay with that. I know that having a girl doesn't mean eternal bliss. There would be the hormones and rebellion... just as I'm sure we'll experience with Cameron. ;-) I guess I just needed a moment of allowing myself to wonder and give in to random thoughts about it all...

Indescribable

Something is different but I don't know what. I can't describe the feeling. I just can't figure out the words or thoughts to explain it. Last night and tonight, I just feel weird. I was up until around 3am last night (this morning). It just hit me out of nowhere... nausea. I was sitting on the couch reading the newest Karen Kingsbury book (which is pretty good by the way. I'm about half way through it and holding on to see if Brandon and Bailey will make it)... sorry, I got off track there. ;-)

Anyway, I was reading and the nausea just hit me. I hovered in the bathroom for almost an hour but never actually got sick. I racked my brain trying to think of what all I had eaten, thinking maybe something just didn't settle. Couldn't think of anything. I've felt fine... not coming down with anything that I know of. For those who don't know me (which is pretty much everyone who reads this since I've never shared this blog with close friends or family) I don't get sick. I can count on one hand how many times I've thrown up since I graduated high school.

So, of course, 'THAT' thought pops in my head... which of course, makes me even more nauseous. There is only one other time that I've ever had nausea without actually throwing up or being actually ill/sick. I was pregnant with Nathan. I never had any pregnancy symptoms with Cameron. With Nathan, the nausea was horrible and it hit full force at around 5 weeks. I had it right up until the day he was born.

But then, my brain reminds me that I HAVE to be overreacting. I'm not even due to ovulate until Sunday or Monday. Even if I were pregnant, I couldn't possible be far enough along to be having any symptoms. I seriously think it's just an overreaction to what this month is. This time last year, is when I got pregnant with Nathan. He was my birthday gift. (I got pregnant on my birthday, April 3rd.) Because of our crazy schedules (we were working opposite shifts) it was the only day within that fertile time frame when we were "together"... so that's how I know. I found out on Easter Sunday (April 24th) that I was pregnant.

Plus, I have the added coincidence of surgery. This time last year, I was getting ready for my appointment to talk with my OB about scheduling a hysterectomy. (I was supposed to see him in July of last year... oddly enough, the month Nathan was born.) With my hysteroscopy/laparotomy scheduled for April 19th, it feels like deja vu all over again. I'm going next Friday for my pre-op and blood work. Since they will be putting me under and actually going into my cervix/uterus, I know they'll be doing pregnancy tests and all that. I have a feeling that I'll probably be doing a test, at home, the morning of the surgery also... just to ease my mind before going in.

Doctor's Appointment

I finally got in to see my OB today. (It only took 3 months and 3 re-scheduled appointments.) I had called back in October because I was still having a lot of cramping and pain. The nurse mentioned that it wasn't normal to still be hurting and I should make an appointment to be seen. Well, guess it wasn't too serious because they couldn't get me in for almost a month, right before Thanksgiving. I ask if they have anything earlier and she tells me that I can keep calling back and see if they get a cancellation. Well, about a week later... they did. Then Aunt Flo decided to arrive a week early, so I had to reschedule. And of course, my original appointment time was booked by then so I couldn't get it back. I ended up having to make a December appointment, the week before Christmas. When they call the "confirm" my appointment they tell me its at 2:45pm. What?!?! I KNOW I made a morning appointment because I work at night and can't do afternoon appointments. So guess what... yeap, had to reschedule. By this point I'm getting TICKED and about ready to just say forget it and cancel the whole darn thing. Finally I actually made it to the appointment today!

He does a pelvic exam and basically tells me the pain I'm experiencing is probably the endometriosis adhering to my organs. The pain and symptoms I'm having (in addition to the "normal" endo symptoms) is where the cysts and adhesions are messing with the nerve endings to my back, rectum, legs... everything. He reviewed my emergency c-section notes from having Cameron back in 2008 and he said I was a mess then. (He delivered Cameron.) Of course, at the time... he was trying to save Cameron and couldn't worry about all that. He said there's no telling what all has been going on in there for the past 4 years.

I have to keep a pain and symptom journal for 2 months and then go back for an ultrasound in March to discuss "the plan". I hate the plan. Last time we had a "plan"... I ended up with a surgery that lasted twice as long as it was supposed to and still ended up losing an ovary and tube at age 25. (In his defense, I was seeing another doctor then.) He then tells me "Of course, if you were to get pregnant... it would pull the adhesions away and the hormones would shrink them, in a sense."

Yeah... thanks. Great advice. I wanted to smack him and then say...

#1 it took almost 5 years and a fertility specialist to get pregnant with my first child (3 years to get Nathan). So um, pregnancy isn't necessarily a given... a "just go off the pill and go for it" kinda outcome for me. You know this, you moron!

#2 It's only been six months (this coming Saturday) since I lost my baby. I should have a one month old right now! I don't want to think about another baby. I want MY baby... I want NATHAN!

#3 I'm scared.. no, scratch that... TERRIFIED, at the thoughts of being pregnant again. I was a few days late the other month and I freaked out when I realized it. My heart started racing and I just cried. Why? I have no clue. I mean I would be happy and love another baby... but I just haven't sorted out my feelings about future children, if there are any.

#4 How the heck do I get pregnant when sex is so friggin' painful? Most days, I do it just to make my husband happy. He has spent way too much of our marriage being "celibate" because I couldn't have sex. I know many times, over the years, where he's had to go weeks and months without it. Trust me... if any man had an excuse to cheat, he would. The fact that he never pressures me or makes me feel guilty... that tells me that he loves me. He has always been patient and understanding. (I really don't know how I got so lucky. Some days, I don't feel like I deserve him!) I remember when we were trying to get pregnant with Cameron, many times he would just hold me while I cried because it hurt so bad. He would want to stop but I would say no, just do it already... I'm fertile today! Sorry... that post got a little graphic, huh?!! ;-)

I read a blog post by Laura, over at Moments of Pause, tonight. Man, I could have copied and pasted a lot of what she wrote. So much of it is where I am. Here it is, if you want to read it... "Not To Be" post.

I'm just so lost and confused and scared about what the "next step" should be. Do I want more children? Am I okay with just Cameron here and Nathan in Heaven? Should I have another laparotomy and hope they can "clean me up" and try to preserve what's left of my fertility? Should I have another surgery and chance a hysterectomy or just go ahead with a hysterectomy? Agh... so many questions, unknowns and fears.

Pregnant Women

I really wish I could get to a place of peace, resolution or whatever. I hate feeling like this but I don't know how to stop. I thought I was having a pretty decent day today. I stopped and got something to eat on the way to work this afternoon. I was standing there, waiting for my food, when I looked up and noticed a woman (facing away from me) sliding out of her booth. She looked like any other person... until she stood up and turned around. BOOM... big, huge belly. I mean she looked like she was ready to deliver. I just looked up at the ceiling and was like 'Really, God? I needed that reminder. Thanks.' :-( Then, I was at work tonight and a co-worker (who is expecting a boy in early May) was standing in front of me, while I was talking to another co-worker (who she was standing beside of). She stood there rubbing her belly the ENTIRE time. I realize that it may have been out of habit or unintentional... but it really irritated me. It was like 'Really?!?! Do I need a reminder slapped in my face that YOU are pregnant!?!?!' (At about the same gestation I was when I lost Nathan, as a matter of fact.) I realize that the world is full of pregnant people and I have to learn to live with that. I just wish it didn't hurt so much to see them. It makes me wonder... how many times, when I was pregnant with my older son and/or Nathan, did I pass a mother who was grieving for her baby? How many women looked at my pregnant belly and happy smile and cried inside? It really makes you think about the people you pass or come in contact with. How many people did I see or pass today... who are experiencing the worst day of their life?

Variety of things...

I've been meaning to come on here but it seems like there are not enough hours in the day. So many things have happened over the last week or so. I don't even remember where to begin so forgive me as I may jump from one subject to the next.

I had a co-worker ask me, last Tuesday, if I would spread the word about another co-worker's baby shower. (They had changed the date.) I realize that I'm not in a room and I have "free access" to other people throughout my building. That said, however, did I REALLY need to be the person to ask? The shower was for the husband because he is in our department. His wife is in another department on the same shift. (Her department threw her a shower the week before.) She and I were about 5-6 weeks apart. Like I wanted to be reminded that they are having a baby shower because she IS still pregnant. Then come to find out... a co-worker I told, forgot about it and I guess some others did too. So guess who got blamed? Yeap, me. I heard that the original co-worker blamed me because I was supposed to let everyone know. WHATEVER!?!?! I know that I put aside my feelings and did what she asked me to do. I wasn't ugly or jealous. Hell, I even bought them a cake and a baby shower gift! I'm truly happy for them but it still hurts to know that I should be going into my 30th week of pregnancy this Friday.

I found out last week that a friend at work is expecting. Apparently, everyone else knew but she was scared to tell me. She didn't want to hurt my feelings. That meant a lot to me. It took everything in me to walk up and give her a hug without crying. I teared up and have to walk away after giving her a hug and telling her congratulations. She's due in May. I should've had a 5 month old by then. :-(

I finally met a fellow baby loss friend. She lost her son a week after I lost Nathan. We met online through a mutual friend. She and I attended our local 'Walk to Remember'. It was a beautiful ceremony.

I got pouches in the mail last week and today from two of my Birth Club friends. They are beautiful!!! I was telling a co-worker about them tonight and she mentioned that she crochets and would love to make some blankets/pouches/hats! Yipee... I'm so excited!!!

Random Thoughts

I started seeing a therapist last week. She suggested that I journal as an outlet for my feelings. I'm not a very good writer anymore. (My years of high school journalism are long gone!) I guess I'll give it a try and see how I feel. I'm still not sure whether I want to make this public or not. I've found great healing in reading other stories and knowing that I'm not alone. Who knows, maybe my story will help someone else feel that way.

I got an amazing donation in the mail yesterday for Nathan's project. I literally stopped breathing for a few seconds and then the tears started. An amazing woman (who, might I add, I've never met in person) made a generous donation to Nathan's project in memory of her late husband and son. I'm trying to figure out the best way to spend it. I want to get as much as I can with it. I contacted some publishing companies today. I'm hoping I can find a way to order the support books at a discount, if we order in bulk. At $10-12 a book, it adds up fast.

It's driving me crazy wanting a sewing machine so bad! Mommy & Me donated some of the prettiest minky fabric the other day. I can't wait to see how many blankets we can make with all of it. I want to get started!! Of course, I have to learn HOW to sew first. I had three people email me about making some of the pouches. I can't wait to see what they come up with. I'm just so thankful for the love and generosity of everyone who has been so supportive of this project. I know, that realistically, the support will probably lessen over time but I'm thankful for what they've given so far.

I've only got a couple more days until the waiting list opens for Small Bird Studios. I've been looking at several different scrapbooking kits... trying to figure out what kind of theme to go with. I feel like this project is a reflection of my love for Nathan and I want it to be perfect and beautiful. It's the only thing I can do for him now. I posted on the Birth Club and Facebook, asking for opinions, but nobody seems interested so I guess I'll have to decide for myself.

I think part of me feels like once we get these first boxes complete and delivered to the hospital... maybe I'll feel like I'm getting a second chance with Nathan. I know, in my mind, that's not true. Nothing will ever bring him back and I have to live with the choices that were made. I know, deep in my heart, that this is a wonderful thing to do... so I just have to prepare myself. I know I'm going to be disappointed once I get through the first donation and realize that nothing has changed for me and my family. But like a friend told me, if it (the project) gets to be too much... I can always step away from it.

My mind has been very confused the last couple days... well, weeks really. I have several friends who are pregnant. I'm genuinely happy for them but I can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy when I read their Facebook updates. I can't help but think of what updates I'd be posting if I were still pregnant. I'd be 21 weeks right now. I know it's only been a month since we lost him... but I'm trying to decide what my feelings are about trying again. It took us so long to get pregnant with Nathan. I think part of me is scared I won't be able to and that we'll never have another baby. Then part of me feels bad for even considering it so soon... like I'm trying to replace him or something. I know, in my heart, that isn't true... nobody will EVER replace him. I can't help my emotions though and how I feel. I want something to be happy and excited about. Part of me thinks a new baby will bring that happiness. Now, I know why they call them Rainbow Babies... the babies born after a loss. Of course, then I worry about the pregnancy. Pregnancy will never be joyous or happy for me... I'll be scared the whole time. I alway thought that once you got past the first trimester, you were home free. Now I know, that isn't always true. I don't even think I'd be able to relax after 17 weeks. I've read so many stories of women who have endured losses throughout the entire pregnancy, some during delivery.

I can't believe this is my life. It sucks so bad some times. I miss Nathan so much. I feel so bad for all the times I complained about pregnancy... about all the times I worried about money and bringing another baby into our lives. I would be happy broke and pregnant for 18 months, if it meant I could have him back. You hear people ask, if you could change one thing in your life what would it be. If you could go back and do something over again, what would it be. Up until Nathan, I've never had anything I'd want to change. I figure it all lead me to where I am now and made me who I am. Nathan's birth, however... is a whole different story. I'd give just about anything to do it over... even knowing the outcome would be the same. Even if I still lost him, I go through the pain and heartache all over again... just to have one more chance to hold him again.

Then reality snaps me back and I remember that there are no do-overs in life. I have to suck it up and deal with it. I have to remind myself that I have Allen and Cameron... and as short as the time was, I had Nathan. As much as it hurts, I'll take the pain, heartache and 4 months. I'd rather have those precious few moments with him, than to have never had him at all. I'm a different person because of him. I love him and I thank him every day for allowing ME to be his mommy for those 4 precious months.