Sadness

I keep wondering when it won't bother me to hear Cameron ask when we'll be able to have a new baby. He's asked lots of times so you would think it wouldn't hit me like it does. However, it always comes out of nowhere. It breaks my heart to hear the words and see the sad look on his face when I tell him that it isn't up to us; that only God can decide if we get to have another baby. I feel like I'm letting him down every time I say it. :-(

A new year of missing him...

My beautiful boy's 1st birthday has officially come and gone. It wasn't as difficult as I imagined it would be... for which I'm thankful. I miss him as much as I did a year ago but the pain isn't as raw and intense as it was in the beginning. He's beginning to weave himself into the layers of who I am and I'm beginning to grow comfortable having him there, beneath my heart. Okay? Never... it'll never be okay but I'll take what I can get. For now, my heart is the closest I can have him, so I'll take it.

A solar powered butterfly stone for Nathan's garden from Aunt JenJen (Allen's sister)

A butterfly yard stake for Nathan's garden from Aunt JenJen (Allen's sister)

Birthday dinner - crockpot shredded BBQ chicken sandwiches, mac n' cheese and crispy fries!

I wanted to try a new recipe... just something different for Nathan's special day.

I found a new BBQ chicken recipe and it was good!

Here's the link to the recipe.

Cameron and Granny (my mom) watching The Very Hungry Caterpillar on YouTube

Mommy and Cameron - Gosh, I love this kid!!! :-)

We had two sky lanterns that we were going to release but a giant thunderstorm rolled in and

rained us out. Cameron was so disappointed but I told him that we'd release them another day.

Happy 1st Birthday!

Nathan,

Happy 1st Birthday, my sweet angel! I wonder what kind of party that Jesus will be throwing you today. I'm sure it will be spectacular and more amazing than anything I could imagine.

I can't help it... I still feel like your place should be here, with me. Your brother woke up a little after 2am and I've been in trying to get him back to sleep. I was rubbing his back, looking at his face and wondering how much of him would've been in you. I wonder if you would have looked like him and your daddy or if I would've finally gotten a child that looked like me. I have to say, looking at your tiny features that night... I think I would've been 0-2 on it, with Daddy being the winner, yet again. LOL

I had planned on staying up until your birth time anyway. I've had your candle burning since about 7pm. I just blew it out, as I wished you a happy birthday, before I starting writing this. I'm going to pick up your birthday cake in the morning. Well, today... I guess. It is technically after midnight. I'm excited to see it. I got Carrie to make you a Hungry Caterpillar cake. I also got a sky lantern... the first one I've ever bought. I hoping that it doesn't rain tonight so we can release it.

I don't really know what to say because I know that nothing I say or do will change anything. My heart continues to miss you, as much as it did a year ago. I find myself reliving that night and trying so hard to will the tiny, details back into my mind and my memory. Those are the only things I have left to remember you... that tie me to you. I find myself angry and reliving the feelings of failure and disappointment (in myself) for the choices made that night. I'm trying not to dwell and let myself "go there" again because I know that it does nothing for either of us.

With everything in me, I will try to put on a smile and brave face today. I will celebrate the day and rejoice in the fact that I had you at all. Even though you were already gone by the time I birthed you, you were always my little miracle! Against all odds, you came into my life when nobody thought it was possible. Just as you were, your timing was also perfect. Had you not come, perhaps I would have had that hysterectomy. Had you not come, I would've never known this heartache. However, I don't regret it. You were, and continue to be, worth every single tear. They are tears of love... because I love and miss you. I don't know what our future looks like but I can't help but wonder what it would've been like with you here.

I hope you know that you will always be a missing part of our family... a missing part of me. I love you forever and ever....

Mommy

~ Your First Birthday In Heaven ~

 It’s your first birthday in Heaven
And I know you’re happy there.
I want you to know I miss you
And your absence is hard to bear.
They say time will heal the hurting
And I’m trusting that it will,
But if I live a hundred years
I know I’ll miss you still.
Enjoy your self in Heaven
With Jesus and friends so dear.
I’m looking forward to joining you there
When my life is through down here.

©Bob Hefner 7-28-01

As I'm writing you this message,
You won't believe all the things I see.
Heaven is so beautiful,
And it's now where you can find me.
The angels are all so wonderful,
And God is indeed my guiding light.
He opened up His arms to me,
When I arrived my first night.
He said "My child don't you worry,
You have truly come home.
And now that you're here,
You will never be alone."
To make it even more special,
You'll never guess what they've done.
They arranged my first birthday celebration,
Right here in Heaven!
Everything seems so perfect,
But something's still not quite right.
It's all of you I'm missing,
To help make my birthday bright.
It would be so amazing,
If you could be with me.
Helping me celebrate my birthday,
With my new Heavenly family.
I know the day will come,
When we will be together again,
But until that time comes,
I love you all...

Thunderstorms

I've been able to hear the storm brewing for about an hour now. It's finally getting close now. I was sitting out on the porch, in the rocking chair, a little while ago and I felt this sense of de'ja' vu. As I sat there, the wind picked up and a warm, gentle breeze began to blow my hair. It's been so hot recently but with the storm coming, it's cooled down today. It reminds me of the warm, nighttime breeze you feel coming off the ocean at the beach. It's a warm breeze that gives the slightest hint of a chill. (Does that make sense?) It the distance, I could hear the low rumble and then the flashes of lightening behind the clouds. It's beautiful. I wish I had a good camera or video camera to capture it. I looked up and could see a small patch of sky through a break in the clouds. I could see the tiny, twinkling stars. And then I remembered a moment very similar, almost a year ago. It brought everything back... the pain, the missing him, the hurt, the confusion... all of it. It feels so much like yesterday.

I remember sitting in the exact same scene a couple weeks after Nathan died. It was sometime early in the morning... maybe 2 or 3am. I used to stay up late because I couldn't sleep. There was just something about being awake and remembering him at 2:32am... the time he came into the world. I remember Allen and Cameron were in bed. In those early days, I didn't want anyone to see me cry. I did most of my crying in the shower or outside, late at night, when everyone was in bed. (I still do... truth be told.) I remember looking at the stars and wondering where, in that big sky, my baby was. I wondered what the storm looked like on his side of the clouds. I wondered if one of those stars that were twinkling, were a sign for me. A sign to let me know that he was okay. Then, it began to rain... slow, light raindrops. I sat out there, with tears streaming down my face, and wondered if God was crying with me. Did He even care how much I hurt, how much I missed my son? I sat there in the rain until I began to feel clammy and chilled. At that point, I didn't even care that I was getting wet and a thunderstorm was nearing. I hurt so much. Finally, after I'd cry more than I even knew was possible, I went inside and went to bed.

In exactly one week, Nathan will be celebrating his 1st birthday in Heaven, while I continue to miss him. I'm trying hard to prepare myself. I have mixed emotions about that day. One part of me wants to celebrate his birthday... while the other part of me wants to mourn. After all, it was also the day was born already dead and that doesn't seem like an appropriate thing to "celebrate". Part of me wants to hold a party to share his special day and part of me wants to have that day, and him, all to myself. I'm not sure how to handle it all. I know that even if he'd been born alive, he'd have never survived at that gestation... so how could that even really be his "birthday"? His birthday is supposed to be in December. December means nothing anymore. All the "specialness" of December vanished in July. It feels kinda weird to be thinking of his 1st birthday... knowing that he should be 7 months old. My son should be sitting up and trying to crawl. He should be doing so many things...

Instead, he is still there and I'm still here... missing him so very much.

Still Here

I know it seems as though I dropped off the planet... but I didn't. I'm still here. I just hit a dry spell and really had nothing to write. I had so many things on my mind but I just didn't have the energy or desire to actually write anything. I spent that time catching up on the blogs I follow.

I'm out of work this week for the 4th of July so I've been trying to alternate cleaning and relaxing. We have a huge consignment sale (WeeRuns) that comes to our area twice a year. I've been shopping there since I was pregnant with Cameron and I've been consigning for about 3 years now. I shop on one night, for him, and buy for the entire season. This current sale is going to be the fall/winter sale and so I will buy everything to last him through fall/winter. After I shop WeeRuns, I rarely ever have to buy him anything from a retail store. I love it! I'm able to get him like new or nice, name brand clothes at a fraction of what I would spend retail. The last 2 years I've sold everything I've consigned. I've either made a profit or broke even, based on what I consign vs. what I buy, so it's kinda like swapping his clothes out as he grows. I've got an appointment to drop off my items on Sunday so I've got to get everything finished by then. I finished cleaning out Cameron's toys today. My goodness... the boy had way too many! I ended up with a huge suitcase full. Tomorrow, I'm going to go through his clothes and hopefully start tagging everything. His poor closet is so jam packed... I can't wait to get it cleaned out. I've been going and sorting the clothes he can't wear. Plus, since his toys are cleaned out... there are some in his closet. (We've cut down enough to where all his toys fit in his room! I've cleaned off 8 bookshelves in my living room. I now have room to display pictures, etc.) I'm almost embarrassed to share the pictures. Don't worry though... I'll be sure to share to after pictures so that I have proof that his closet does NOT normally look like this.

I can tell that its summer because the hot weather is definitely here. It's been 100+ since last week. Cameron and I have been spending plenty of time in the pool since last weekend. Today, I think I spent a little too much time out there before I reapplied my sunscreen. I'm feeling a bit crispy! Thank goodness I lathered Cameron well enough and he did okay.

Since it's July, my mind and attention have definitely turned more to Nathan. I can't believe it's been almost a year since he was here in my arms. Part of me wants to "celebrate" his birthday privately and part of me wants to have a party and share his day with those around me. I talked to Allen about it and he seems a little uncomfortable with a party. He avoided the conversation with a, "We'll see." Either way, it will be a bittersweet day I'm sure. I definitely plan to have a cake for him and I've already ordered a sky lantern to release.

Whether we have a party of not, I enjoyed "pinning" lots of great party ideas... just for him! Since he reminds me of a butterfly, I wanted to do "The Hungry Caterpillar". I know I want it to be rainbow colored inside but these are the "cakes" that I'm trying to decide between...

Mother's Day

I thank God everyday for the amazing gift of being Cameron and Nathan's mom. :-) Whether you hold your child in your arms or in your heart, I'm wishing you a Happy Mother's Day. For those who are struggling with infertility, I remember those days as well. I'm thinking of you and praying that your arms are filled soon. ♥ CDS & NAS ♥ *The picture is of me, Cameron and our "Nathan Bear" which Cameron made at Build-A-Bear on Nathan's due date.

Fading Memories

Back in December, I emailed Dana (Pencil Portraits by Dana) to see about getting on her waiting list for a sketch. (She does beautiful memorial and gestational sketches.) By the time she got to me, I didn't have the money. I still don't but I'm going to use the birthday money from my dad and mom to get it.

Dana sent me an email stating that she'd add me to the list again and that she'd be happy to sent me a price quote up front. I got all the pictures of me, Allen and Cameron for her to use and sat down to write her an email the details I remember about Nathan (since I don't have a picture).

Here are the pictures I sent her. (https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.3475589405712.2150797.1150508015&type=3&l=b0565106c9)

It's weird because I don't really remember seeing him… only "snapshots" of him. I can't for the life of me, just picture his entire body... just a single memory of all of him. Its like my brain has completely blocked that part of my experience… actually holding him and looking at him. I cried this morning when I sat down to write her back because my mind is blank. The details that I once remembered, so clearly, are fading. I knew it would happen, I just wasn't prepared for it to happen so soon. How does a mama forget what her child looks like? How could I allow that to happen? I close my eyes and try so hard to will them… and it's frustrating because they are there… I just can't reach them. Its like having someone's name on the tip of your tongue but you just can't quite get it out... if that makes sense.

I remember the first few months, I would lay in bed at night and pray for the images to leave my mind so I could just sleep. I just needed to sleep and forget it all... just for those few hours. Now, I'm overwhelmed with guilt because I feel like I've gotten what I asked for... only it isn't what I meant... what I want. Now, I pray to see him in my dreams... just so I can remember how perfectly precious and tiny he was. But I can't. I've yet to wake up feeling refreshed or peaceful. I've yet to experience that awesome feeling of meeting my child in my dreams. I've heard about many other baby loss parents who've experienced those dreams. I'm jealous. Why won't my baby come to me? Did I push him away too many times during those first few months? Am I destined to spend the rest of my life looking for him every night when I lay down?

I remember looking at his left ear but I can't for the life of me remember seeing his right one. (I think it must have been how I was holding him. The blanket must've covered it, maybe?) It was just a tad bit low. I remember thinking that it must be the last thing to completely "move into place" once his head would've started getting bigger. Everything else was perfectly formed and there… just tiny. I remember looking at his eye structure and nose, thinking of how much he looked like his brother. His eyes were closed… very peaceful looking. I remember his bottom lip being "sucked" in a little. It bothered me because it looked like he suffered. (The cord was wrapped twice around his neck.) I told her that I would prefer a more peaceful look in his sketch. I remember him having a somewhat long, square-shaped chin. I couldn't figure out where he got it from… other than my half-brother having a similar structure. However, when I looked at Cameron's 4th birthday pictures the other week… I dawned on me that he has the same chin/jaw structure. As Cameron gets older, his "baby fat" face is going away and I'm aware of his changing looks. Since Nathan didn't have a chance to develop "baby fat"... I now see the resemblance.

I remember his right arm coming down beside him and going across his stomach. It must've covered his belly button/umbilical cord because I don't remember ever seeing them. His other arm was down by his side. I remember being able to see his little ribs because he didn't have any fat on him yet. I remember being able to tell that he was a boy and in awe of the fact that he was so tiny. It made me wonder how in the world they are able to tell the gender on a fuzzy, black and white, regular, 2-D ultrasound. (Nothing against my baby boy's manhood... I mean, I don't know the average size of little boys at that gestation. I sorta feel like I should take up for him after making that comment. You know how sensitive most guys are about their "parts".) The bottom of his legs looked so skinny and tiny compared to his upper legs. He had skinny calves but "meaty" looking thighs. (Poor kid was already taking after his mama.) ;-)

She asked what kind of sketch I was interested in and send me a link to her gallery. I instantly fell in love with this one...

The baby, on the right, is how I remember Nathan laying... only he was stretched out instead of legs curled up. Instead of his arm being up, it was down by his side. I know that whatever she comes up with won't be "Nathan". I understand that it will simply be an artistic sketch, a representation of him. I lost the chance of having an exact picture of him when I left the hospital. However, I'm hoping and praying that she'll be able to create something that I can look at and have some comfort and peace. I want something that I can share and remember him with. I need something tangible that reminds me that he was real... is real.

Indescribable

Something is different but I don't know what. I can't describe the feeling. I just can't figure out the words or thoughts to explain it. Last night and tonight, I just feel weird. I was up until around 3am last night (this morning). It just hit me out of nowhere... nausea. I was sitting on the couch reading the newest Karen Kingsbury book (which is pretty good by the way. I'm about half way through it and holding on to see if Brandon and Bailey will make it)... sorry, I got off track there. ;-)

Anyway, I was reading and the nausea just hit me. I hovered in the bathroom for almost an hour but never actually got sick. I racked my brain trying to think of what all I had eaten, thinking maybe something just didn't settle. Couldn't think of anything. I've felt fine... not coming down with anything that I know of. For those who don't know me (which is pretty much everyone who reads this since I've never shared this blog with close friends or family) I don't get sick. I can count on one hand how many times I've thrown up since I graduated high school.

So, of course, 'THAT' thought pops in my head... which of course, makes me even more nauseous. There is only one other time that I've ever had nausea without actually throwing up or being actually ill/sick. I was pregnant with Nathan. I never had any pregnancy symptoms with Cameron. With Nathan, the nausea was horrible and it hit full force at around 5 weeks. I had it right up until the day he was born.

But then, my brain reminds me that I HAVE to be overreacting. I'm not even due to ovulate until Sunday or Monday. Even if I were pregnant, I couldn't possible be far enough along to be having any symptoms. I seriously think it's just an overreaction to what this month is. This time last year, is when I got pregnant with Nathan. He was my birthday gift. (I got pregnant on my birthday, April 3rd.) Because of our crazy schedules (we were working opposite shifts) it was the only day within that fertile time frame when we were "together"... so that's how I know. I found out on Easter Sunday (April 24th) that I was pregnant.

Plus, I have the added coincidence of surgery. This time last year, I was getting ready for my appointment to talk with my OB about scheduling a hysterectomy. (I was supposed to see him in July of last year... oddly enough, the month Nathan was born.) With my hysteroscopy/laparotomy scheduled for April 19th, it feels like deja vu all over again. I'm going next Friday for my pre-op and blood work. Since they will be putting me under and actually going into my cervix/uterus, I know they'll be doing pregnancy tests and all that. I have a feeling that I'll probably be doing a test, at home, the morning of the surgery also... just to ease my mind before going in.

7 Months

7 months... how has it been 7 months? Almost 7 months the exact hour/minute, to be exact. He was born at 2:32am and it's 2:18am as I type this. I'm still trying to figure out how my days are getting "easier". I don't cry every day... sometimes not every week. But the guilt is still hard. It gets harder as time goes on. I'll go through my day, laugh, smile. But I'm reminded many times throughout the day, that he's still gone. The guilt robs me of every happy moment I know I should be having. The guilt of living while he isn't. The guilt of enjoying things and moments when I know he never will. I keep waiting for that imaginary day when everything will be okay again and all of this pain will vanish. I'm sure that, from the outside, I look fine... like I've got it all together. If only they could see that, on the inside, I'm still so very broken.

It's after midnight which means it's officially February 21st... a bittersweet day. My baby boy should've been turning 2 months old. Instead, we'll be celebrating his big brother's 4th birthday without him. See... I can't even talk about Cameron's special day without feeling like I have to include Nathan. I feel bad for leaving him out. (big sigh)

We had Cameron's birthday party this weekend. He had a good time and I think it turned out nicely. He decided that he wanted a pirate party. I had so many cute ideas but it's hard to plan a party in February. You never know what the weather will be like. Last year, it was so nice that we rented 2 bounce houses for the yard. This year, it was supposed to be cold and rainy so I skipped the fun outdoor stuff. Well, of course, the day of the party is was gorgeous and 62 degrees. But by that night, it had dropped into the 30's and started snowing. We got about 1"... our first snow of the year. Sadly, it was gone before we even got up the next morning.

Allen quit his job 3 weeks ago... so things have been crazy, to say the least. It's been brewing for months. I guess I just didn't realize he was so serious about it. I can't wait for our tax refund to arrive. We're using it to pay off some bills. I'm hoping that it'll be a huge weight off my shoulders. It's scary being to only one who is supporting the family. I don't really care if he works or not... as long as we can get by. Cameron is getting used to having us both home during the day. I have to say... it's nice having someone to watch Cameron in the mornings if I need some extra sleep. Especially on the nights when I work over for a 10-12 hour shift and don't get off until midnight or 2:30am. He has an appointment for March 2nd with the community college to see about going back for his GED. I'm trying to stay positive but not to get my hopes up. I've heard it too many times over the years, about him wanting to go back and get his GED... but he never actually follows through. We'll see...

A Sign

I've read so many stories about people getting "signs" from their angel and I have to admit, they made me a tad bit jealous. However, I finally got mine... almost 7 months after losing Nathan. Wednesday night, I was coming out of work and looked up at the moon. It was gorgeous! It was so clear and bright, it looked like someone had turned a nightlight on outside. I looked up at the moon and said, "God, please let Nathan know that I'm thinking of him and that I love him and miss him." I walked across the parking lot and as I was approaching my car, I hit my remote to unlock my doors. My inside lights came on and I got in. I closed my door and all the lights went off except the one in the back, trunk area of my SUV. None of the lights were on, on my dashboard, indicating that any of my doors were ajar. I got out and walked to the back and opened my trunk door. It has a stay on mode (the light stays on until you turn it off), a door mode (comes on when the doors are open and turns off when the doors close) and an off mode. Somehow, the light was switched to the stay on mode but it wasn't on when I walked to my car. ??? I'm taking that as a sign from Nathan... that he heard me. ♥♥♥