Pre-Op

Facebook status for today: I survived a waiting room full of pregnant women, got my blood work done (negative pregnancy test), $1,425 down payment = surgery pre-op done. (It was hard but I actually made it out of the OB's office without crying for the first time since last July.) Now, I just countdown to next Thursday and see what happens. Today, I needed a good reminder (and a good cry) that I was blessed even though the journey was short lived. Mommy loves you, little man! I thank God everyday that I was blessed to carry you all of your life. ♥

It was tough and I had to fight the tears a couple times but I did it... I made it through an OB visit without crying. Two ladies were talking in the waiting room (both pregnant with boys, I overheard). They were talking with an older lady there (who I overheard has 2 grown daughters) about just general pregnancy stuff. Part of me wanted them to ask me about my kids (I had Cameron with me) but then part of me was glad that they ignored me. One of the ladies was a first time mom and I just don't think I could've talked like Nathan didn't exist but I wouldn't want to scare her or give her a glimpse of a bad experience either.

I still remember the day I was "one of them". Just a normal day but... not normal at all. I sat in that waiting room pregnant and I remember thinking how great is was to be there and how wonderful my life was. I still remember what I was wearing: a Ronald McDonald house t-shirt and jeans. I remember Cameron playing with his Mr. Potato Heads. I remember the two cute (but obnoxious) little boys who walked over and helped themselves to his toys. I remember the very pregnant mama, who tried (not very hard) to get them to come back to her and leave us alone. That waiting room will never be the same place for me again. I think I left a part of myself in that waiting room and I have no idea how to get her back... or if I can even get her back. It like I'm still waiting there... waiting for my life to make sense, to understand what went wrong. I think even Cameron senses the change in that room. Today, as we were sitting there... I noticed him watching a little girl and her mom (who was very pregnant). Just the way he looked at the mom, it was like his wheels were turning but I don't know what he was thinking. I asked him what was wrong, if he was okay. He just laid his head against me and gave me a hug. I told him that he could talk to me about anything he was feeling or thinking. I told him that I understood... it made me a little sad to be there also.

It's so hard to go through this. I try so very hard not to project my emotions onto him or anyone else around me. I don't want attention or a pity party. I don't need people to feel sorry for me. People tell me that I'm brave and strong. Oh, how I wish I was. I feel so weak and lost. I'm doing my best to learn how to live this new life that I've been given. I mean, they don't give you a manual that explains how to continue living when your baby dies. You just have to wing it. Some days I feel like I'm doing it "right" and some days... I feel like a total failure.

I got my blood work done and it was so sweet... Cameron said he'd hold my hand. As she went to stick the needle in, he started patting my hand and said, "It's okay mama... it's okay." Man, I sure do love that boy! She told me that I could have the pregnancy test results if I wanted to wait about 5 minutes. I had to go and arrange payment, insurance information and all that... so I told her I'd be back. I walked back in and told her that I was back for my results. She said it was negative. I tried to smile as I said, "I figured it would be." I just turned around and walked out. I knew if I stayed, I'd break... I'd cry. I knew it would be negative but there was part of me that had a moment of sadness and disappointment when she said it. I'll probably test again, at home, the morning of the surgery... just because.

I watched the video behind the song and oh, my... tears!!! While I wish no parent had to lose a child, I can't imagine a more precious gift than to have the time to process and plan for those once in a lifetime moments... to have the chance to tell your baby the things you want to tell them, to hold them, to take in those few precious moments of having them in your life. To have the honor and privilege to be there as they enter the world and when they leave it... to know that your baby felt your love the whole time.

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Part of me still grieves for the birth experience I wish I'd had with Nathan. I'm still so bitter sometimes about what was taken from he and I. (I think a part of me always will be.) I wish I'd been able to bring him into the world and had the moments the Smith family had. I don't think carrying him longer would have made any difference in how much he was missed or how painful it would have been. I have this image... this "movie" in my head of how I wish things had gone. I think I'll always wonder what might have been... how different this experience could've been if things had been different. If he'd been a few weeks older, if Allen had been with me, if we'd been able to dress him, get footprints, have something he touched, had family there to love him with us... and on and on...

Sad

I miss Nathan so much... a little more the last few days. I noticed that I tear up and cry more here lately. Part of me misses that part of grief and part of me hates it. I feel weak. But then again, I don't feel like I properly missing him unless I cry and am sad. Does that make sense?

Last night, I mentioned to Allen that I told a girl at work she could come by and get the crib. I just can't ever see another baby in it. I couldn't even finish saying anything. I just leaned over, against him, and started crying. I have so much in my head and everything seems to hit me at one time, just out of nowhere. Some days, I feel like its all caving in.

I've been reluctant to share but I scheduled my surgery for April 19th. When I went back for my OB checkup, they did an ultrasound. It was horrible. I started crying as soon as I got on the table. I didn't think... didn't expect it to be so emotional. I knew I wasn't pregnant and knew there wouldn't be anything on the screen. However, the reality of seeing the screen without a baby or heartbeat... it was hard.

In the end, they found that my uterus was lined with polyps and my uterine lining was very thick. He said that it could cause problems both getting pregnant and staying pregnant. I asked him if he thought I'd had it while pregnant with Nathan (I can't help but still wonder what I or my body did to make him die). He said no, that he thought it had all grown since having him. He said that my remaining ovary is stuck to my wall, behind my uterus. He said he didn't want to mess with it because we both know what'll happen. If he's able to free it and clean it up, the second he closes... it'll start growing back. He said with it being my only ovary/tube, he didn't want to mess with it and chance damaging the tube, ovary or eggs.

He decided to go in and do a hysteroscopy. I'm going to have it done at the hospital's day surgery center to save on costs. It's not an overnight procedure, so it'll be a little cheaper that way. Once I'm awake and stable, I'll be able to go home that same day.

While talking about the procedure, he surprised me. He said that since he's already going to have me asleep, he'll go ahead and do a laparoscopy also. My eyes got big and I just looked at him. I've been trying to talk him into a lap for years!! He has always refused because my endo is too severe and he will only do a laparotomy (complete c-section like cut). I had one in 2005, when I lost my left tube and ovary. It is major surgery, which is why I've wanted to avoid another one. He said that he is only agreeing to do it because I'll already be under. He said that I need to understand that he is only going in to get what he can... no promises of getting a lot cleaned up. He said he may also run some dye through the tube. (Something our RE did when I had my HSG done. I got pregnant with Cameron the following week.)

Even if I don't get pregnant, maybe I'll be able to get some pain relief. The last couple weeks have been rough. So much pain...

Well, I guess I better get ready for work. I'm so not looking forward to next week. We're on 12's. Ugh... Since we're off on Friday for Easter, they're going to try and shove 5 days worth of work into 4. We're working three 12-hour days and one 8-hour day and then off on Friday. I won't see Cameron but for a few minutes during the week... having to leave the house around 9:30am and not getting home until around 11pm. :-(

Doctor's Appointment

I finally got in to see my OB today. (It only took 3 months and 3 re-scheduled appointments.) I had called back in October because I was still having a lot of cramping and pain. The nurse mentioned that it wasn't normal to still be hurting and I should make an appointment to be seen. Well, guess it wasn't too serious because they couldn't get me in for almost a month, right before Thanksgiving. I ask if they have anything earlier and she tells me that I can keep calling back and see if they get a cancellation. Well, about a week later... they did. Then Aunt Flo decided to arrive a week early, so I had to reschedule. And of course, my original appointment time was booked by then so I couldn't get it back. I ended up having to make a December appointment, the week before Christmas. When they call the "confirm" my appointment they tell me its at 2:45pm. What?!?! I KNOW I made a morning appointment because I work at night and can't do afternoon appointments. So guess what... yeap, had to reschedule. By this point I'm getting TICKED and about ready to just say forget it and cancel the whole darn thing. Finally I actually made it to the appointment today!

He does a pelvic exam and basically tells me the pain I'm experiencing is probably the endometriosis adhering to my organs. The pain and symptoms I'm having (in addition to the "normal" endo symptoms) is where the cysts and adhesions are messing with the nerve endings to my back, rectum, legs... everything. He reviewed my emergency c-section notes from having Cameron back in 2008 and he said I was a mess then. (He delivered Cameron.) Of course, at the time... he was trying to save Cameron and couldn't worry about all that. He said there's no telling what all has been going on in there for the past 4 years.

I have to keep a pain and symptom journal for 2 months and then go back for an ultrasound in March to discuss "the plan". I hate the plan. Last time we had a "plan"... I ended up with a surgery that lasted twice as long as it was supposed to and still ended up losing an ovary and tube at age 25. (In his defense, I was seeing another doctor then.) He then tells me "Of course, if you were to get pregnant... it would pull the adhesions away and the hormones would shrink them, in a sense."

Yeah... thanks. Great advice. I wanted to smack him and then say...

#1 it took almost 5 years and a fertility specialist to get pregnant with my first child (3 years to get Nathan). So um, pregnancy isn't necessarily a given... a "just go off the pill and go for it" kinda outcome for me. You know this, you moron!

#2 It's only been six months (this coming Saturday) since I lost my baby. I should have a one month old right now! I don't want to think about another baby. I want MY baby... I want NATHAN!

#3 I'm scared.. no, scratch that... TERRIFIED, at the thoughts of being pregnant again. I was a few days late the other month and I freaked out when I realized it. My heart started racing and I just cried. Why? I have no clue. I mean I would be happy and love another baby... but I just haven't sorted out my feelings about future children, if there are any.

#4 How the heck do I get pregnant when sex is so friggin' painful? Most days, I do it just to make my husband happy. He has spent way too much of our marriage being "celibate" because I couldn't have sex. I know many times, over the years, where he's had to go weeks and months without it. Trust me... if any man had an excuse to cheat, he would. The fact that he never pressures me or makes me feel guilty... that tells me that he loves me. He has always been patient and understanding. (I really don't know how I got so lucky. Some days, I don't feel like I deserve him!) I remember when we were trying to get pregnant with Cameron, many times he would just hold me while I cried because it hurt so bad. He would want to stop but I would say no, just do it already... I'm fertile today! Sorry... that post got a little graphic, huh?!! ;-)

I read a blog post by Laura, over at Moments of Pause, tonight. Man, I could have copied and pasted a lot of what she wrote. So much of it is where I am. Here it is, if you want to read it... "Not To Be" post.

I'm just so lost and confused and scared about what the "next step" should be. Do I want more children? Am I okay with just Cameron here and Nathan in Heaven? Should I have another laparotomy and hope they can "clean me up" and try to preserve what's left of my fertility? Should I have another surgery and chance a hysterectomy or just go ahead with a hysterectomy? Agh... so many questions, unknowns and fears.

Doctor Bill & Ultrasound

I've been debating for a couple weeks now, whether or not, to call my OB and ask for a copy of the pictures they took at my last appointment. The one where they told me Nathan was gone. I remember it seemed like she was taking a lot of pictures but I guess she wasn't taking many... just measurements. I finally called and I went today to pick them up. Well, 'them' turned out to be one. One picture. One picture of my son is all I got. I'm kinda wishing now that I had just left well enough alone.

I get home from the doctor's office and what does my lovely mailbox hold? The OB's bill charging me $1,900 for a vaginal delivery. They're kidding, right? I call the office to dispute the charges because I never saw the doctor. The 3rd shift nurse named Heather delivered my baby. I saw the doctor for a total of about 5 minutes the entire time I was in the hospital. It was long enough for him to basically tell me to "hang in there". I refuse to pay him $1,900 for his time. She said the doctor's submit their own charges. She supposed to look into it and call me back.

***UPDATE: Apparently, it was a "billing error". She said they've reimbursed the insurance company and they'll send me a new statement.***

Today sucks. I have to leave for work in about 30 minutes and I just want to hide under the covers. Allen seems to be in a crappy mood and it doesn't make me feel any better. My therapist recommended that I talk to him about how I've been feeling. I was thinking about it but now, I don't even see the point. I feel like nobody cares... like they're all just saying/acting like I should just get over this and pretend it never happened. I don't want to forget Nathan... but part of me wishes it were that easy. Forgetting and living without this pain and hole in my heart would be so much easier.