Thunderstorms

I've been able to hear the storm brewing for about an hour now. It's finally getting close now. I was sitting out on the porch, in the rocking chair, a little while ago and I felt this sense of de'ja' vu. As I sat there, the wind picked up and a warm, gentle breeze began to blow my hair. It's been so hot recently but with the storm coming, it's cooled down today. It reminds me of the warm, nighttime breeze you feel coming off the ocean at the beach. It's a warm breeze that gives the slightest hint of a chill. (Does that make sense?) It the distance, I could hear the low rumble and then the flashes of lightening behind the clouds. It's beautiful. I wish I had a good camera or video camera to capture it. I looked up and could see a small patch of sky through a break in the clouds. I could see the tiny, twinkling stars. And then I remembered a moment very similar, almost a year ago. It brought everything back... the pain, the missing him, the hurt, the confusion... all of it. It feels so much like yesterday.

I remember sitting in the exact same scene a couple weeks after Nathan died. It was sometime early in the morning... maybe 2 or 3am. I used to stay up late because I couldn't sleep. There was just something about being awake and remembering him at 2:32am... the time he came into the world. I remember Allen and Cameron were in bed. In those early days, I didn't want anyone to see me cry. I did most of my crying in the shower or outside, late at night, when everyone was in bed. (I still do... truth be told.) I remember looking at the stars and wondering where, in that big sky, my baby was. I wondered what the storm looked like on his side of the clouds. I wondered if one of those stars that were twinkling, were a sign for me. A sign to let me know that he was okay. Then, it began to rain... slow, light raindrops. I sat out there, with tears streaming down my face, and wondered if God was crying with me. Did He even care how much I hurt, how much I missed my son? I sat there in the rain until I began to feel clammy and chilled. At that point, I didn't even care that I was getting wet and a thunderstorm was nearing. I hurt so much. Finally, after I'd cry more than I even knew was possible, I went inside and went to bed.

In exactly one week, Nathan will be celebrating his 1st birthday in Heaven, while I continue to miss him. I'm trying hard to prepare myself. I have mixed emotions about that day. One part of me wants to celebrate his birthday... while the other part of me wants to mourn. After all, it was also the day was born already dead and that doesn't seem like an appropriate thing to "celebrate". Part of me wants to hold a party to share his special day and part of me wants to have that day, and him, all to myself. I'm not sure how to handle it all. I know that even if he'd been born alive, he'd have never survived at that gestation... so how could that even really be his "birthday"? His birthday is supposed to be in December. December means nothing anymore. All the "specialness" of December vanished in July. It feels kinda weird to be thinking of his 1st birthday... knowing that he should be 7 months old. My son should be sitting up and trying to crawl. He should be doing so many things...

Instead, he is still there and I'm still here... missing him so very much.

Fading Memories

Back in December, I emailed Dana (Pencil Portraits by Dana) to see about getting on her waiting list for a sketch. (She does beautiful memorial and gestational sketches.) By the time she got to me, I didn't have the money. I still don't but I'm going to use the birthday money from my dad and mom to get it.

Dana sent me an email stating that she'd add me to the list again and that she'd be happy to sent me a price quote up front. I got all the pictures of me, Allen and Cameron for her to use and sat down to write her an email the details I remember about Nathan (since I don't have a picture).

Here are the pictures I sent her. (https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.3475589405712.2150797.1150508015&type=3&l=b0565106c9)

It's weird because I don't really remember seeing him… only "snapshots" of him. I can't for the life of me, just picture his entire body... just a single memory of all of him. Its like my brain has completely blocked that part of my experience… actually holding him and looking at him. I cried this morning when I sat down to write her back because my mind is blank. The details that I once remembered, so clearly, are fading. I knew it would happen, I just wasn't prepared for it to happen so soon. How does a mama forget what her child looks like? How could I allow that to happen? I close my eyes and try so hard to will them… and it's frustrating because they are there… I just can't reach them. Its like having someone's name on the tip of your tongue but you just can't quite get it out... if that makes sense.

I remember the first few months, I would lay in bed at night and pray for the images to leave my mind so I could just sleep. I just needed to sleep and forget it all... just for those few hours. Now, I'm overwhelmed with guilt because I feel like I've gotten what I asked for... only it isn't what I meant... what I want. Now, I pray to see him in my dreams... just so I can remember how perfectly precious and tiny he was. But I can't. I've yet to wake up feeling refreshed or peaceful. I've yet to experience that awesome feeling of meeting my child in my dreams. I've heard about many other baby loss parents who've experienced those dreams. I'm jealous. Why won't my baby come to me? Did I push him away too many times during those first few months? Am I destined to spend the rest of my life looking for him every night when I lay down?

I remember looking at his left ear but I can't for the life of me remember seeing his right one. (I think it must have been how I was holding him. The blanket must've covered it, maybe?) It was just a tad bit low. I remember thinking that it must be the last thing to completely "move into place" once his head would've started getting bigger. Everything else was perfectly formed and there… just tiny. I remember looking at his eye structure and nose, thinking of how much he looked like his brother. His eyes were closed… very peaceful looking. I remember his bottom lip being "sucked" in a little. It bothered me because it looked like he suffered. (The cord was wrapped twice around his neck.) I told her that I would prefer a more peaceful look in his sketch. I remember him having a somewhat long, square-shaped chin. I couldn't figure out where he got it from… other than my half-brother having a similar structure. However, when I looked at Cameron's 4th birthday pictures the other week… I dawned on me that he has the same chin/jaw structure. As Cameron gets older, his "baby fat" face is going away and I'm aware of his changing looks. Since Nathan didn't have a chance to develop "baby fat"... I now see the resemblance.

I remember his right arm coming down beside him and going across his stomach. It must've covered his belly button/umbilical cord because I don't remember ever seeing them. His other arm was down by his side. I remember being able to see his little ribs because he didn't have any fat on him yet. I remember being able to tell that he was a boy and in awe of the fact that he was so tiny. It made me wonder how in the world they are able to tell the gender on a fuzzy, black and white, regular, 2-D ultrasound. (Nothing against my baby boy's manhood... I mean, I don't know the average size of little boys at that gestation. I sorta feel like I should take up for him after making that comment. You know how sensitive most guys are about their "parts".) The bottom of his legs looked so skinny and tiny compared to his upper legs. He had skinny calves but "meaty" looking thighs. (Poor kid was already taking after his mama.) ;-)

She asked what kind of sketch I was interested in and send me a link to her gallery. I instantly fell in love with this one...

The baby, on the right, is how I remember Nathan laying... only he was stretched out instead of legs curled up. Instead of his arm being up, it was down by his side. I know that whatever she comes up with won't be "Nathan". I understand that it will simply be an artistic sketch, a representation of him. I lost the chance of having an exact picture of him when I left the hospital. However, I'm hoping and praying that she'll be able to create something that I can look at and have some comfort and peace. I want something that I can share and remember him with. I need something tangible that reminds me that he was real... is real.

Thoughts

Everyone is in bed and I'm sitting here thinking of what life would be like, having another little one in the house. Nathan would be 2 weeks and 4 days old today. I can't help but think back to when Cameron was that age. I've been sitting here looking through his baby pictures. (This picture was taken on the day he came home from the hospital.)

Oh, how I miss him being a baby! What I wouldn't give to go back. We were so blessed, as he was such an easy baby! There are days when I'm so glad to be past the days of diapers, bottles, breastfeeding and a million pieces of "baby gear" all over the house. But then, there are days when I really miss it. It's a bittersweet feeling, I suppose.

I think that as I go through Nathan's "supposed to be first year"... I'm going to go back through Cameron's. I hope that it will give me some positive and happy feelings, as well as, remind me to parent and mommy the living child that I'm blessed to have here on Earth.

I'll be honest and say that, I've been so caught up in MY feelings and MY grief... I've neglected my role as a mother to a living child. Poor Cameron has had a rough year and I really need to get back on track and try to make things stable for him. I need to remember to slow down and take time to enjoy HIM.

So far, this blog has been mainly sad, depressing, grief-stricken and all about Nathan. Well, as the title clearly states... my life includes, not only an angel but a doodle also. ;-)

As you've read and learned everything there is to know about Nathan, now I think its time to let Cameron shine in the spotlight also. Stay tuned, as I will be telling you a little about my doodle, Cameron in the posts coming up!