Sad

I miss Nathan so much... a little more the last few days. I noticed that I tear up and cry more here lately. Part of me misses that part of grief and part of me hates it. I feel weak. But then again, I don't feel like I properly missing him unless I cry and am sad. Does that make sense?

Last night, I mentioned to Allen that I told a girl at work she could come by and get the crib. I just can't ever see another baby in it. I couldn't even finish saying anything. I just leaned over, against him, and started crying. I have so much in my head and everything seems to hit me at one time, just out of nowhere. Some days, I feel like its all caving in.

I've been reluctant to share but I scheduled my surgery for April 19th. When I went back for my OB checkup, they did an ultrasound. It was horrible. I started crying as soon as I got on the table. I didn't think... didn't expect it to be so emotional. I knew I wasn't pregnant and knew there wouldn't be anything on the screen. However, the reality of seeing the screen without a baby or heartbeat... it was hard.

In the end, they found that my uterus was lined with polyps and my uterine lining was very thick. He said that it could cause problems both getting pregnant and staying pregnant. I asked him if he thought I'd had it while pregnant with Nathan (I can't help but still wonder what I or my body did to make him die). He said no, that he thought it had all grown since having him. He said that my remaining ovary is stuck to my wall, behind my uterus. He said he didn't want to mess with it because we both know what'll happen. If he's able to free it and clean it up, the second he closes... it'll start growing back. He said with it being my only ovary/tube, he didn't want to mess with it and chance damaging the tube, ovary or eggs.

He decided to go in and do a hysteroscopy. I'm going to have it done at the hospital's day surgery center to save on costs. It's not an overnight procedure, so it'll be a little cheaper that way. Once I'm awake and stable, I'll be able to go home that same day.

While talking about the procedure, he surprised me. He said that since he's already going to have me asleep, he'll go ahead and do a laparoscopy also. My eyes got big and I just looked at him. I've been trying to talk him into a lap for years!! He has always refused because my endo is too severe and he will only do a laparotomy (complete c-section like cut). I had one in 2005, when I lost my left tube and ovary. It is major surgery, which is why I've wanted to avoid another one. He said that he is only agreeing to do it because I'll already be under. He said that I need to understand that he is only going in to get what he can... no promises of getting a lot cleaned up. He said he may also run some dye through the tube. (Something our RE did when I had my HSG done. I got pregnant with Cameron the following week.)

Even if I don't get pregnant, maybe I'll be able to get some pain relief. The last couple weeks have been rough. So much pain...

Well, I guess I better get ready for work. I'm so not looking forward to next week. We're on 12's. Ugh... Since we're off on Friday for Easter, they're going to try and shove 5 days worth of work into 4. We're working three 12-hour days and one 8-hour day and then off on Friday. I won't see Cameron but for a few minutes during the week... having to leave the house around 9:30am and not getting home until around 11pm. :-(