Back to the Grind

I'm going back into the clean room area at work, starting today. It sucks. Doing the DHR's and running backup for the PB office over the last year or so, I've gotten used to the luxury of not having to do the mandatory overtime that the rooms have been running. I've been able to volunteer to come in early and cover someone else's shift when I want to. This week, I'm having to work three eleven hour shifts plus two eight hour shifts. I don't mind the overtime so much, I just wish I could work over instead of going in the early. I hate going in early. On eleven hour days, I work from 11:30am until 10:30pm. I feel like by the time I get up, its time to go to work... especially with Cameron in preschool now. When I drop him off at 9am on Monday and Wednesday, I don't see him for the rest of the day. Its around 11pm before I get home and he's already in bed. I miss him already and hate that I'm not going to be there to pick him up after school. He gave me tight hug when I dropped him off at preschool this morning and said, "I'll miss you at work, mommy." It's going to be a long week...

I can't stand him not being with me, especially in a car. I know accidents can happen to anyone but there is just something about him being with me. I can't shake the thought that if something were to happen, I want to be with him. I want my face and my voice to be the last thing he sees or hears before leaving this earth. I want to be comforting and holding him and telling him how much I love him. I know that sounds morbid and negative. I don't mean to be. I'm realistic. I now know, first hand, that babies and children die. The thought of something happening to him, scares me. The thought of something happening to him without me there, terrifies me.

I guess I just have to suck it up and deal with it. With Allen not working, I can't afford to lose my job or try and search out another one. I'm carrying all of us on my benefit package, which I worked hard to get. (I spent several years temping at places, not getting any insurance or benefits.) After paying the bills this week and getting groceries, I have about $35 left. It has to last me with gas and anything else until Friday. :-(

The last couple days, I feel like everything is just minutes from caving in on me... so much on my mind. Last night, I finally forced myself to bed around 2am... only to lay there and stare at the ceiling, trying to get my mind to shut down.

big sigh.