Today was hard... harder than I thought it was going to be. Today is the first day I've had to be around a pregnant woman for an extended amount of time. But not just any random pregnant woman... one of Cameron's classmate's mom, who just happens to be due 4 days after I was. I knew this day would come and I thought I was prepared and okay. Cameron had a field trip with his preschool class to the pumpkin patch. I feel horrible because I couldn't just suck it up and enjoy the day with Cameron. I was so focused on trying to fake being okay and holding back my tears. I kept my back to her most of the morning but I still overheard the multiple comments from other parents and pumpkin patch staff. When are you due? What are you having? How have you been feeling? Have you picked out a name? I tried my best to stay away from her and enjoy the time with Cameron but it seemed like God was picking on me because I got stuck sitting in front on her on the hayride. A hayride I thought would never end. Then, while they were heading for the snack table, Cameron had to go potty. Well, by the time we got back the only spot left was... yeap, you guessed it... across the table from her and her son.
Some days I really seem to be okay and getting used to this "new normal" but its days like today that slap me in the face. This grieving thing sucks. I hate it. I don't want it anymore. I wish I could be a child and lay in the floor and throw a temper tantrum and make it all go away. I want to be the one people ask those questions to. I want to be the fat girl with the round belly who blends in with the big round pumpkins.
I want my baby. I miss him so much. Will this raw, hurt feeling every go away? How many more times am I going to have to endure that knife-life feeling in my heart? I wish I could just close the curtains and hide under the covers. I wish that I could spend the rest of the afternoon, lost in a dream. A dream where I'm still pregnant and all is right with the world. Unfortunately, I have to leave for work here soon. So, once again... I'll plaster on my smile, wipe away my tears and pretend everything is okay.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I'm sorry you had such a hard day. It really is such a hard thing to learn to deal with, even though it doesn't seem like it should be.
ReplyDeleteOh, I was going through some pictures of the butterflies I put in the balloons on the 15th. I've got one with Nathan's butterfly in it. I'll email it to you if you want.
Oh, that would be great about the butterfly picture. Thank you!! :-)
ReplyDelete