Fear and Reality

I came across this post today and I could relate to so much of what she wrote. For me, the hardest part of all this is that nothing is going to change that fact my son isn't here with me. No amount of prayer or explanation is going to make him magically appear. There isn't anything that can be said to make me feel all better. My eyes have been opened to the stark reality of death and I can't close them and pretend it never happened.

People keep asking if we're going to try again. I'm too scared to say yes or no. I feel completely paralyzed with the decision. Before, I figured once you made it past 12 weeks... you were safe. You were out of the first trimester "danger zone". My experience has made it very clear that that isn't the case. 2nd trimester loss is possible. The stories I've read and the people I've met on this baby loss journey, make me realize that we are never "safe". Even if we make it full-term... baby, infant and child loss is still possible. It reminds me of the following saying:

“Making the decision to have a child - It's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." - Elizabeth Stone

Regardless of where your children are, part of you will be with them forever. It isn't possible to become a mother without giving part of yourself away. I gave part of my heart away on June 15, 2007 and again on April 24, 2011, when I found out I was pregnant with each of my boys.

Before I lost Nathan, I had heard of babies and children dying but it always happens to other people... not me. You read the story in the paper or hear about someone a friend knows and think 'I feel so sorry for them. How horrible?!?! I can't imagine...' I've now become that "other person". Sadly, I don't have to imagine. I know how it feels. I know that it can happen... it happened to me.

I have so much fear in letting Cameron out of my sight. Allen can walk Cameron across the road to his parents house and I'm watching out the window to make sure they made it across the road okay. I worried about him before but now, its like I can imagine every horrible scenario. I have to try so hard not to let the fear completely take over. I could try and pretend that I'm now safe. After all, how cruel would it be for me experience the loss of another child. Unfortunately, I know that lightening can strike twice. I could lose Cameron or another baby... I'm not protected or shielded from that. There is nothing about me that makes me special or immune. I know that a child can be taken from me and I feel completely powerless. I hate feeling like I have no control... or at least the illusion of having control.