I finally got in to see my OB today. (It only took 3 months and 3 re-scheduled appointments.) I had called back in October because I was still having a lot of cramping and pain. The nurse mentioned that it wasn't normal to still be hurting and I should make an appointment to be seen. Well, guess it wasn't too serious because they couldn't get me in for almost a month, right before Thanksgiving. I ask if they have anything earlier and she tells me that I can keep calling back and see if they get a cancellation. Well, about a week later... they did. Then Aunt Flo decided to arrive a week early, so I had to reschedule. And of course, my original appointment time was booked by then so I couldn't get it back. I ended up having to make a December appointment, the week before Christmas. When they call the "confirm" my appointment they tell me its at 2:45pm. What?!?! I KNOW I made a morning appointment because I work at night and can't do afternoon appointments. So guess what... yeap, had to reschedule. By this point I'm getting TICKED and about ready to just say forget it and cancel the whole darn thing. Finally I actually made it to the appointment today!
He does a pelvic exam and basically tells me the pain I'm experiencing is probably the endometriosis adhering to my organs. The pain and symptoms I'm having (in addition to the "normal" endo symptoms) is where the cysts and adhesions are messing with the nerve endings to my back, rectum, legs... everything. He reviewed my emergency c-section notes from having Cameron back in 2008 and he said I was a mess then. (He delivered Cameron.) Of course, at the time... he was trying to save Cameron and couldn't worry about all that. He said there's no telling what all has been going on in there for the past 4 years.
I have to keep a pain and symptom journal for 2 months and then go back for an ultrasound in March to discuss "the plan". I hate the plan. Last time we had a "plan"... I ended up with a surgery that lasted twice as long as it was supposed to and still ended up losing an ovary and tube at age 25. (In his defense, I was seeing another doctor then.) He then tells me "Of course, if you were to get pregnant... it would pull the adhesions away and the hormones would shrink them, in a sense."
Yeah... thanks. Great advice. I wanted to smack him and then say...
#1 it took almost 5 years and a fertility specialist to get pregnant with my first child (3 years to get Nathan). So um, pregnancy isn't necessarily a given... a "just go off the pill and go for it" kinda outcome for me. You know this, you moron!
#2 It's only been six months (this coming Saturday) since I lost my baby. I should have a one month old right now! I don't want to think about another baby. I want MY baby... I want NATHAN!
#3 I'm scared.. no, scratch that... TERRIFIED, at the thoughts of being pregnant again. I was a few days late the other month and I freaked out when I realized it. My heart started racing and I just cried. Why? I have no clue. I mean I would be happy and love another baby... but I just haven't sorted out my feelings about future children, if there are any.
#4 How the heck do I get pregnant when sex is so friggin' painful? Most days, I do it just to make my husband happy. He has spent way too much of our marriage being "celibate" because I couldn't have sex. I know many times, over the years, where he's had to go weeks and months without it. Trust me... if any man had an excuse to cheat, he would. The fact that he never pressures me or makes me feel guilty... that tells me that he loves me. He has always been patient and understanding. (I really don't know how I got so lucky. Some days, I don't feel like I deserve him!) I remember when we were trying to get pregnant with Cameron, many times he would just hold me while I cried because it hurt so bad. He would want to stop but I would say no, just do it already... I'm fertile today! Sorry... that post got a little graphic, huh?!! ;-)
I read a blog post by Laura, over at Moments of Pause, tonight. Man, I could have copied and pasted a lot of what she wrote. So much of it is where I am. Here it is, if you want to read it... "Not To Be" post.
I'm just so lost and confused and scared about what the "next step" should be. Do I want more children? Am I okay with just Cameron here and Nathan in Heaven? Should I have another laparotomy and hope they can "clean me up" and try to preserve what's left of my fertility? Should I have another surgery and chance a hysterectomy or just go ahead with a hysterectomy? Agh... so many questions, unknowns and fears.
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Oh my. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with so much. I've had some pretty bad cysts, but I can't imagine how much more it would hurt to have them messing with nerves.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious. If he said you were a mess when Cameron was born, why didn't they have you come back in to have it checked out afterwards?
I hope things work out for you. And that the pain gets better.
Because of the severity of my endo, they will only perform a laparotomy... which is a complete c-section cut with hospital stay and 8 week recovery time. I really have been hesitate to continue having major surgeries because I know it only "helps". It will never be a cure. If they would do a laparoscopy, I'd be at the hospital in the morning. It's a simple laser surgery with tiny incisions and little recovery time. I've asked several times and he flat out refuses to try. He says that my case is just too severe to chance not having full access. I haven't had severe symptoms until about a year and a half ago. We were talking about a possible surgery, when I found out I was pregnant with Nathan.
ReplyDeletePraying for you. <3
ReplyDeleteFollow your heart and give the rest to God..it will all fall into place..<3 HUGS <3
ReplyDeleteTiffani T