Emotional

Wow, what an emotional week. I don't even know where to begin...

The third option I mentioned in my going back to work post happened tonight. A lady on 3rd shift looked at my stomach today and said, "So, when did you say you were due?" I wasn't prepared... I had to compose myself for a minute. I managed to mutter, "You didn't hear? I lost my baby. He was born July 21st." She quickly apologized and then seemed to really want to get away from me. We were in the gowning room and she started gowning up a lot faster. Maybe she realized how late she was or maybe it was just my imagination... but she seemed to be in a bigger hurry to leave the gowning room after that. Some days, I feel like I'm wearing a scarlet letter on my chest. I see people look at me, out of the corner of my eye. They have that sad "I feel sorry for her look." I don't want their sympathy or their pity. It would be nice to have their friendship. My loss isn't contagious. I don't have to be avoided like the plague. People that used to say hey and talk to me, don't anymore. It makes me mad but mostly, it just hurts. Some days, I feel like Nathan just consumes who I am. Its like walking through a cloud of cigarette smoke and I can't quite get the smell out of my shirt. Part of me feels like I'm obsessing about him. Everything I talk about or post on Facebook about, is about him or is another dead baby related post. How am I supposed to go back to who I was before? How am I supposed to incorporate him into my life without feeling obsessive or defensive? I've turned into this whole other person and I don't know who she is? I wonder if this is a fraction of what it feels like to have multiple personalities or be a mental patient? (Half joking, half serious)

I got on Facebook earlier today and people keep posting these comments like "I'm 14 weeks and I'm craving peanut butter" or whatever. I only noticed it on 2 people's wall. The first girl is pregnant so I figured it was just a random comment. The second person I don't know really, really well... so I was like "Oh, wow... she's pregnant." It kinda hit me in the gut... that pang of jealousy and sadness. A reminder that I'm no longer pregnant.

I get online tonight, after work... and its on more and more walls. I just kept reading it over and over. I finally read, on the Teen Parents of Angels' wall, what it was all about. Apparently, it's a game supporting breast cancer. What??? Here's how it works...

Ok pretty ladies, it's that time of year again, in support of breast cancer awareness!! Remember last year so many people took part that it made national news and, the constant updating of status reminded everyone why we're doing this and helped raise awareness!! Do NOT tell any males what the status' mean, keep them guessing!! And please copy and paste (in a message )this to all your female friends to see if we can make a bigger fuss this year than last year!!! I did my part... now YOUR turn!

The idea is to choose the month you were born and the day you were born. Pass this on to the girls only and lets see how far it reaches around. The last one about the bra went round allovr the world. So you'll write... I'm (your birth month) weeks and I'm craving (your birth date)!!! as your status.

Example: Feb 14th = I'm 2 weeks and craving Choclolate mints!!

January - 1 week

Febuary - 2 weeks

March - 3 weeks

April - 4 weeks

May - 6 weeks

June - 8 weeks

July - 10 weeks

August - 12 weeks

September - 13 weeks

October - 14 weeks

November - 16 weeks

December - 18 weeks

Days of the month: 1-Skittles 2-Starburst 3-Kit-Kat 4-M&M's 5-Galaxy 6-Crunchie 7-Dairy Milk 8-Lollipop 9-Peanut Butter Cups 10-Meat Balls 11-Twizzlers 12-Bubble Gum 13-Hershey's Kisses 14-Chocolate Mints 15-Twix 16-Resse's Fastbreak 17-Fudge 18-Cherry Jello 19-Milkyway 20-Pickels 21-Creme Eggs 22-Skittles 23-Gummy Bears 24-Gummy Worms 25-Strawberry Pop Tarts 26-Starburst 27-Mini Eggs 28-Kit-Kat Chunkie 29-Double Chocolate Chip Chrunchy Cookies 30-Smarties 31-Chocolate Cake

Let's go with my birthday. Can someone explain to me how in the hell posting "I'm 4 weeks and I'm craving Kit-Kat" on my wall is supposed to show my support of breast cancer? Anyone? Someone?

The girl that "runs" the TMOA's page apparently got into a spat with some of her friends, by telling them that it was hurtful to baby loss parents. She was basically thrown under the bus (so to speak)... even by a couple women who said they'd had miscarriages. Here was my response to her...

Don't let them get to you. They clearly don't understand and I thank God that they don't. I'm less than 6 weeks into my loss. It was like a punch in the stomach every time I read one of these postings today. I know its meant to be a game but for me, personally, it's a reminder that I'm no longer pregnant. We're not saying "poor pitiful me"... we're saying support breast cancer in a way that actually supports breast cancer. I didn't even know what the posts were about until I read this posting. How am I supposed to help support breast cancer with a game that I don't even know that's want its purpose is? A game that slaps me in the face and reminds of my new reality... a mom that is no longer pregnant. A mom that had to hold her lifeless child in her arms. I'm glad that those women who suffered losses are able to play and not find it offensive. Perhaps one day, I'll get to a place of peace and resolution like they have. Right now, I'm just not. My grief and emotions are too fresh and raw. Perhaps we're taking this too personal... but for us, this hurts. We don't need to apologize for being hurt by this. It is what it is. Part of me feels like posting... "I should be 23 weeks pregnant. Right now, I'm craving my son Nathan in my arms."

You know what... I'm almost ready to say "screw it" and not care who gets offended and actually post it on my Facebook page.

***Update about 10 minutes later: I just scared the hell out of myself and did something that is so unlike me. I'm literally sitting here shaking. Part of me is scared about the reaction I'll get from people... and part of me could care less. I just posted a picture, on Facebook, for an event helping support a friend who's fighting breast cancer. Here's what I just posted on Facebook above it...

Well, the blogging didn't help. It just ticked me off more. In advance, I apologize to anyone this offends. Here's my response to the breast cancer support game going around. "I should be 23 weeks. Right now, I'm craving my son Nathan in my arms." If you really want to support breast cancer... click on the picture below. Attend the event or send money to help Tanya Ray Gunter fight breast cancer!


I wonder how times I'll get "de-friended" over this one?


***UPDATE: Two days later, I ended up with a total of 10 de-friends. Oh, well...***