Drained

This was my Facebook post tonight...

"Ever have days when your mind is just blank... just so emotionally drained? I went to blog tonight and I can't even get the words/feelings out. I literally sat, staring at the keyboard. It's almost like... why bother. Nothing I feel, type or say is going to change anything. :-("

I figured maybe I'd come back on here... type that and something would trigger my brain. It really hasn't but I'm going to just type and see where it takes me.

Cameron started preschool on Wednesday. I'm so proud of him. When I picked him up, the teacher said, "He is so smart!" I love him so much... he is my greatest accomplishment. I feel bad sometimes because I feel like I love him more than Nathan. I feel like I'm being disloyal to Nathan or favoring Cameron. Then again, I guess it's not really that I love him more... just a different love. I never got a chance to bond and make memories with Nathan. I just have this fierce love for him. It's more of a protection I feel for him... like I have to protect his memory and make sure his life wasn't meaningless. I don't want to be the only person who knows he existed. I'm still trying to figure out why that's so important to me. As much as it hurts, it also makes me smile and my heart sing... to hear someone mention him or ask about his project.

I did good seeing Cameron's friend's mom... who's due date is the same week as mine was. She was coming down the hall as I dropped Cameron off on Wednesday. She wasn't looking up, so I don't think she saw me. I don't know if she knows what happened or not, but I'm sure she'll put two and two together when she sees my non-pregnant belly. I felt a quick, jolt when I saw her... like a stab in my heart. Of course, I didn't want to but it was like I couldn't stop myself. My eyes immediately traveled to her belly. Boom! There it was... a beautiful, perfect round belly. I've learned through a friend's Facebook page that she's having a girl. That sorta makes me feel a little better, although, I'm not sure why. I guess just knowing she isn't having a boy... as weird as that sounds. I teared up a little as I walked across the parking lot. I couldn't help but try to imagine if I was still pregnant, how that scene would've gone. We'd stop, smile and compliment each other on our big bellies, exchange a "how are you feeling", ect.

I was pushing Cameron on the swing, in the yard, earlier this week. When I looked up, I saw a little, orange butterfly on the grass, just sitting there. I think of Nathan every time I see one. It reminds me of how beautiful but fragile he was. A few minutes later, I started to walk Cameron over to my in-laws, across the street. As we walked by my car, I noticed the same butterfly flying past us. It stopped a little ways up the driveway and settled on the neighbors fence. As we walked past it, it fluttered down and landed beside our mailbox. I started smiling, thinking of Nathan's spirit in the butterfly, playing a sweet game of tag. It was almost like he was saying, "Catch me, mom!" As we got to the mailbox, it flew up and went around us and then flew away across the yard. Part of me wanted to catch it and hold onto it. However, just like with Nathan... I know it's a free spirit that isn't meant to be captured, just remembered.