Random Baby Thoughts

I've never been the mom who "wishes" for a girl or boy during pregnancy. Honestly, during my pregnancy with Cameron... I knew he was a boy. I just knew it somewhere inside me. When the ultrasound tech asked if we wanted to know, we said yes. Almost immediately, he closed his legs and tucked them up against his tummy and raised his feet against his butt. It took some poking and prodding but he finally opened his legs back up. When she announced that it was a boy... I said, "I knew it."

Cameron's Anatomy/Gender Ultrasound

During my pregnancy with Nathan, I never had that feeling of knowing. I honestly had no clue! I kept saying that it was probably a boy because that seems to be what runs in Allen's gene pool. LOL. Nathan is the 12th grandchild. There are 11 boys and only 1 girl. I figured our chances were slim for a girl and I didn't want to end up being disappointed. I have to admit though, I did get slightly nudged towards wondering if it was girl because of how sick I was. I never got morning sickness with Cameron... no nausea or anything. With Nathan, it hit full force at 6 weeks and continued until he was born a couple days shy of 17 weeks. Everyone kept saying that it had to be a girl and that my hormones were reacting to her. Needless to say, I was a little surprised when the nurse announced that Nathan was a boy when he was born. Not disappointed, just surprised. Not that it mattered because, regardless of the gender, I knew my baby wasn't coming home with me.

That said... I can kinda see why some people decide not to find out the gender during pregnancy. If Nathan had been alive and at term to survive, I can only imagine the joy and excitement of finding out what he was. To have worked that hard at labor and delivery and finally had that sweet ending and announcement... it would have been wonderful.

I've been on the fence with trying again. I'm just so darn scared to put my heart out there again and chance the pain. My OB is really trying not to push but I can tell he wants me to try again. He has mentioned a couple times about referring me back to Dr. Y (our RE/fertility specialist) at Wake Forest or trying a round of Clomid. He knows my history and he has been there through all of our fertility struggles and he knows how my body has let me down time and time again. I honestly think he was as surprised as I was when I lost Nathan. I think we both figured getting pregnant would be the hardest thing I've ever face.

Pregnancy hasn't been prevented since we decided almost 10 years ago to start a family (wow, I didn't realize until just now that it had been that long). However, I haven't charted since I had Cameron. I know when I ovulate because I can feel it but I haven't done the whole temp. and track thing. It got really stressful there at the end before I got pregnant with Cameron. It was killing our sex life. Truth be told, between the infertility and loss of Nathan, it's still suffering sometimes.

I'm sure you're wondering where the heck this "conversation" is going... as I've steered completely to Japan and back. I got an email from a party website that I'm subscribed to about an adorable little princess party and it just made me a little dreamy for a moment. (I can't believe I'm saying this!) I love my boys... don't get me wrong but I can't help but wonder what life would be like with a daughter. I got to thinking about all the things I might miss... the little girl wanting to dress up and wear makeup like mama, the "boy" talks, holding her through her first heartbreak, watching her fall in love, seeing her daddy walk her down the aisle and give her away, sharing a bond with another woman (who I birthed), offering her support when she has her first born, etc. I think there is just something about the color pink, tea parties, dress up and all things girl... that makes me smile. Of course, songs like this don't help. ;-)

I know that even if we try again and get pregnant that there is no guarantee that we'll have a girl and I'm okay with that. I know that having a girl doesn't mean eternal bliss. There would be the hormones and rebellion... just as I'm sure we'll experience with Cameron. ;-) I guess I just needed a moment of allowing myself to wonder and give in to random thoughts about it all...