Happy 1st Birthday!

Nathan,

Happy 1st Birthday, my sweet angel! I wonder what kind of party that Jesus will be throwing you today. I'm sure it will be spectacular and more amazing than anything I could imagine.

I can't help it... I still feel like your place should be here, with me. Your brother woke up a little after 2am and I've been in trying to get him back to sleep. I was rubbing his back, looking at his face and wondering how much of him would've been in you. I wonder if you would have looked like him and your daddy or if I would've finally gotten a child that looked like me. I have to say, looking at your tiny features that night... I think I would've been 0-2 on it, with Daddy being the winner, yet again. LOL

I had planned on staying up until your birth time anyway. I've had your candle burning since about 7pm. I just blew it out, as I wished you a happy birthday, before I starting writing this. I'm going to pick up your birthday cake in the morning. Well, today... I guess. It is technically after midnight. I'm excited to see it. I got Carrie to make you a Hungry Caterpillar cake. I also got a sky lantern... the first one I've ever bought. I hoping that it doesn't rain tonight so we can release it.

I don't really know what to say because I know that nothing I say or do will change anything. My heart continues to miss you, as much as it did a year ago. I find myself reliving that night and trying so hard to will the tiny, details back into my mind and my memory. Those are the only things I have left to remember you... that tie me to you. I find myself angry and reliving the feelings of failure and disappointment (in myself) for the choices made that night. I'm trying not to dwell and let myself "go there" again because I know that it does nothing for either of us.

With everything in me, I will try to put on a smile and brave face today. I will celebrate the day and rejoice in the fact that I had you at all. Even though you were already gone by the time I birthed you, you were always my little miracle! Against all odds, you came into my life when nobody thought it was possible. Just as you were, your timing was also perfect. Had you not come, perhaps I would have had that hysterectomy. Had you not come, I would've never known this heartache. However, I don't regret it. You were, and continue to be, worth every single tear. They are tears of love... because I love and miss you. I don't know what our future looks like but I can't help but wonder what it would've been like with you here.

I hope you know that you will always be a missing part of our family... a missing part of me. I love you forever and ever....

Mommy

~ Your First Birthday In Heaven ~

 It’s your first birthday in Heaven
And I know you’re happy there.
I want you to know I miss you
And your absence is hard to bear.
They say time will heal the hurting
And I’m trusting that it will,
But if I live a hundred years
I know I’ll miss you still.
Enjoy your self in Heaven
With Jesus and friends so dear.
I’m looking forward to joining you there
When my life is through down here.

©Bob Hefner 7-28-01

As I'm writing you this message,
You won't believe all the things I see.
Heaven is so beautiful,
And it's now where you can find me.
The angels are all so wonderful,
And God is indeed my guiding light.
He opened up His arms to me,
When I arrived my first night.
He said "My child don't you worry,
You have truly come home.
And now that you're here,
You will never be alone."
To make it even more special,
You'll never guess what they've done.
They arranged my first birthday celebration,
Right here in Heaven!
Everything seems so perfect,
But something's still not quite right.
It's all of you I'm missing,
To help make my birthday bright.
It would be so amazing,
If you could be with me.
Helping me celebrate my birthday,
With my new Heavenly family.
I know the day will come,
When we will be together again,
But until that time comes,
I love you all...