The Night Before

Well, it's officially after midnight so I'm banned from eating or drinking anything. I'm going to be so hungry tomorrow!! My surgery isn't scheduled until 2:45pm. :-(

I just ate a corn dog and some Cold Stone ice cream and milk right before midnight. I'm praying everything goes well because that is so not what I would've chosen for a last meal. I'm trying to add some humor because this fear is new and that fact that I can't shake it, has me on edge. I've never been scared, like this, going into surgery.

I even posted this to my birth club board tonight...

On one of my support boards, a mama is trying to find a supportive, positive group for her rainbow pregnancy. (A baby or pregnancy after a loss, for those who don't know what a rainbow baby or pregnancy is.) I can only imagine how difficult it would be to still be daily/actively involved in a loss support group while trying to "get over" the fear of a new pregnancy and trying to stay hopeful and positive about a happy outcome. We were all discussing our "other" support boards for loss, raising living children, etc. Typing my reply, really made me stop and think about the impact this group... you ladies... have had on my life. Going in for my surgery tomorrow, I've had some fear and hesitation. Something I've never experienced at any other time in my life, not even during any other surgeries, which has me a bit on edge. I wanted to take a moment and share what I put on there and thank you all for being such a great support to me over the years!

"I'm sorry you're having a hard time finding a place, Robin. I was SO amazingly blessed to stumble upon my birth club when I first got pregnant with my first son. About 50 of us moved from the public board to a private board and have been online friends ever since. Many of us have met in person, even though we all live all over the country (a few outside of the country). Last year, they started a Mama Meetup. They met in Vegas for a weekend last year and this year they are going on a cruise. (I'm so jealous!! Next year, I'm vowing to sell body parts and find a way go! LOL) We do Christmas and birthday exchanges, etc. When I got pregnant with Nathan, I never joined another birth club. My Feb08 Mamas have been with me through EVERYTHING! Other than my mom and my husband, they were the first ones to know when I lost Nathan. One of the girls stayed online with me for hours, that night, at the hospital while I was in labor. Many of them texted me through the night with prayers and positive messages of love. We have helped each other raise multiple children since, gone through divorces, celebrated new marriages, mourned deaths, etc. Many of them have experienced loss... several in the 2nd trimester, like me. Two years ago, one of our sweet boys died. He was 2 years old. It was heart wrenching for all of us! My heart literally hurt and I was in so much pain when I heard about it. We all cried for weeks and mourned with his mama. I can honestly say, those women have been my saving grace over the years and I'm closer to them than I am to some of my family. I wish everyone were as blessed to find that kind of support online!"

When I called Cameron last night on my last break to tell him good night, I had to get kinda snappy because he wouldn't let me go. I had to go so I wouldn't be late getting back. After about the 4th time of me saying, "Cameron, I have to go." He let out a big sigh and said, "Okay, mama. I just wanted to talk to you. I don't get to talk to you."

Okay... yeah, he ripped my heart out. I cried the whole way through the building, back to work. So last night, as I was getting ready to leave (yet another fun-filled 11-hour shift - note the sarcasm) I stopped and looked at the vacation book. Just my luck, there was 1 spot left. I filled out the request form and took the day off. I took him to preschool this morning, picked him afterwards and let him choose where we ate lunch. (He chose Biscuitville.) Then I told him that we were going to find a surprise! We drove out to Winston and went to SciWorks. We had a good time... just hanging out! On the way home, we stopped for Cold Stone ice cream and ate it BEFORE dinner! :-)

We spent a good portion of the night playing in his room with his kitchen set and just hanging out together. It felt good just being with him and soaking up those moments. Of course, all day I've thought about this being my "last day". As I put him to bed tonight, I prayed to God that I'm able to do it again tomorrow night. That boy will never understand or know how much I love him and how amazing he makes my life! My husband gave me the best gift in the world when he gave me our boys.

I'm sitting here in tears because this fear is eating me up. I've been so close to just canceling the surgery so many times today. I've heard that song "Live Like You Were Dying" (or whatever the name is) but it's always been just a song. Today, it took on a whole new meaning. We get so caught up in the day to day... we're too busy and distracted to see just how precious life is sometimes. It makes you stop and think, "What would I do differently if I knew it was my last day alive?"

Well, I'm signing off and praying that I can get some sleep tonight. Send some prayers and positive vibes my way... because I sure need them. Not to be negative or depressing, but if something should go wrong... I'll see ya'll on the other side. I'll be easy to spot...

I'll be the smiling girl holding a precious baby boy.