Fears of Goodbye

I've never really thought about my death. Of course, when the time comes... I hope it is as painless and quick as possible. I mean, who would wish for a long, painful death? Other than that, I've never really given it much thought. I've never been the type of person to think about a will or pre-planning my funeral. Today, however, it's been on my mind... which kinda bothers me and leaves me feeling very unsettled.

I've never been scared anytime I've ever had surgery or had to go under anesthesia before... so I can only attribute this new "fear" to the fact that I'm a mom now. (All my surgeries were done before I became a mom.) I had no fears or thoughts about flying... until I became a mom. I remember when Cameron and I flew to my brother's funeral in Ohio. We were sitting in the plane, waiting to taxi down the runway, and I remember holding him tight in my lap and tears streaming down my face. (Cameron was about a year and a half old so he could fly free on my lap.) All I could think was, 'If this plane crashes, Allen is going to lose us both.' Allen was NOT very happy with the idea of Cameron flying with me... especially since he (Allen) had never flown. I knew I wasn't going without him though. As selfish as it sounds, if I was going to die on that plane... Cameron was going to be with me. (Oh, Lord... that sounds horrible doesn't it?!?!) I just can't imagine my life without him. As much as that thought hurts... I can't imagine his life without me. I'm his mama. Nobody could ever love he like me... teach him the things I want to teach him. I can't picture someone else raising him, loving him, being his mama.

I know if something were to happen to me that he would be fine. I mean, kids grow up everyday without a parent (sometimes without both parents). Allen is a great dad and I know he would raise Cameron just fine without me. But still... it hurts to picture my baby boy missing me and not understanding why I "left him".

My surgery is this coming Thursday, so I know I don't have time to do everything I want to do. I remember reading in a book about a mom, who was a flight attendant. She knew that there was a chance that one day she wouldn't make it home. Every year, on her son's birthday, she would write him a "goodbye letter" with the hope and prayer that he'd never had to read it. She would tell him all about how proud she was of him and what her hopes and dreams were for his future. She would write a new letter each year and place it in her fire safe. She was a single mom but her friends knew about the letters and what to do if she died. Her plane crashed in the ocean, on a flight to Hawaii, when her son was 8, I think.

It got me thinking... how do you write a goodbye letter to the people you love? How can you possibly try write a lifetime of thoughts, wishes and love into a letter? I'm thinking I might try.

Even if everything goes great with my surgery (which I hope and pray it does)... my "one day" will come. Death isn't like waiting at the DMV. You don't take a ticket with a number. You can't hear the number called out and know that you are 40 people down the line... with a certain amount of time left. We are all here for a certain amount of time and can be called home at any moment, on any given day. It's easy to get caught up in the day to day stuff like work, school and other "obligations". Some days it's really, really hard to stop and soak in the moments. I would love to spend all of my time with Cameron but the sad fact is... I have to pay the mortgage, lights and buy groceries also. I'm a working mom and some days it sucks. However, I hope that I'm instilling in Cameron a good work ethic and a sense of responsibility. I hope he knows that everything I do is for him... to provide him with things and opportunities to make his life better.

I'm getting nervous about Thursday. All I can do is pray that everything goes as planned, I'm able wake up from surgery and able to continue watching Cameron grow up. If not and it's my time, then I pray with everything in me... that my little boy will know how much he means to me. I hope that his Daddy raises him to be a good, honest and loving man. I hope that he knows that HE is what made my life worth living and that I loved him with everything in me, until the day I died.