Dana sent me an email stating that she'd add me to the list again and that she'd be happy to sent me a price quote up front. I got all the pictures of me, Allen and Cameron for her to use and sat down to write her an email the details I remember about Nathan (since I don't have a picture).
Here are the pictures I sent her. (https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.3475589405712.2150797.1150508015&type=3&l=b0565106c9)
It's weird because I don't really remember seeing him… only "snapshots" of him. I can't for the life of me, just picture his entire body... just a single memory of all of him. Its like my brain has completely blocked that part of my experience… actually holding him and looking at him. I cried this morning when I sat down to write her back because my mind is blank. The details that I once remembered, so clearly, are fading. I knew it would happen, I just wasn't prepared for it to happen so soon. How does a mama forget what her child looks like? How could I allow that to happen? I close my eyes and try so hard to will them… and it's frustrating because they are there… I just can't reach them. Its like having someone's name on the tip of your tongue but you just can't quite get it out... if that makes sense.
I remember the first few months, I would lay in bed at night and pray for the images to leave my mind so I could just sleep. I just needed to sleep and forget it all... just for those few hours. Now, I'm overwhelmed with guilt because I feel like I've gotten what I asked for... only it isn't what I meant... what I want. Now, I pray to see him in my dreams... just so I can remember how perfectly precious and tiny he was. But I can't. I've yet to wake up feeling refreshed or peaceful. I've yet to experience that awesome feeling of meeting my child in my dreams. I've heard about many other baby loss parents who've experienced those dreams. I'm jealous. Why won't my baby come to me? Did I push him away too many times during those first few months? Am I destined to spend the rest of my life looking for him every night when I lay down?
I remember looking at his left ear but I can't for the life of me remember seeing his right one. (I think it must have been how I was holding him. The blanket must've covered it, maybe?) It was just a tad bit low. I remember thinking that it must be the last thing to completely "move into place" once his head would've started getting bigger. Everything else was perfectly formed and there… just tiny. I remember looking at his eye structure and nose, thinking of how much he looked like his brother. His eyes were closed… very peaceful looking. I remember his bottom lip being "sucked" in a little. It bothered me because it looked like he suffered. (The cord was wrapped twice around his neck.) I told her that I would prefer a more peaceful look in his sketch. I remember him having a somewhat long, square-shaped chin. I couldn't figure out where he got it from… other than my half-brother having a similar structure. However, when I looked at Cameron's 4th birthday pictures the other week… I dawned on me that he has the same chin/jaw structure. As Cameron gets older, his "baby fat" face is going away and I'm aware of his changing looks. Since Nathan didn't have a chance to develop "baby fat"... I now see the resemblance.
I remember his right arm coming down beside him and going across his stomach. It must've covered his belly button/umbilical cord because I don't remember ever seeing them. His other arm was down by his side. I remember being able to see his little ribs because he didn't have any fat on him yet. I remember being able to tell that he was a boy and in awe of the fact that he was so tiny. It made me wonder how in the world they are able to tell the gender on a fuzzy, black and white, regular, 2-D ultrasound. (Nothing against my baby boy's manhood... I mean, I don't know the average size of little boys at that gestation. I sorta feel like I should take up for him after making that comment. You know how sensitive most guys are about their "parts".) The bottom of his legs looked so skinny and tiny compared to his upper legs. He had skinny calves but "meaty" looking thighs. (Poor kid was already taking after his mama.) ;-)
She asked what kind of sketch I was interested in and send me a link to her gallery. I instantly fell in love with this one...
The baby, on the right, is how I remember Nathan laying... only he was stretched out instead of legs curled up. Instead of his arm being up, it was down by his side. I know that whatever she comes up with won't be "Nathan". I understand that it will simply be an artistic sketch, a representation of him. I lost the chance of having an exact picture of him when I left the hospital. However, I'm hoping and praying that she'll be able to create something that I can look at and have some comfort and peace. I want something that I can share and remember him with. I need something tangible that reminds me that he was real... is real.
No comments:
Post a Comment