17 years ago on September 15th, I met my husband for this first time. We celebrated 11 years of marriage, today. Well, I guess technically yesterday... since it's after midnight. With me being out of work after Nathan's death, we've gotten behind financially on some things. We had issues with our bank today, which had me in tears.
I had my 8-week post delivery OB appointment today also. I survived being the ONLY non-pregnant woman in the waiting room. Well, I take that back there was another lady there with her husband, son and newborn. It took everything in me to keep my composure. I lost it when I got in the room. I tried so hard to pull myself together before the doctor came in. I half managed. He talked to me for a few minutes but I could tell that he was at a loss for words. It was probably pretty awkward to have a half-naked women sitting on the exam table crying. You can't really come in and start off with "So, let's get this pap smear on the road!" He did encourage me to tell my story. He said it was important for me not to feel ashamed or embarrased by my loss.
Its days like this that make me wonder if I'll ever get through this. I think of Nathan every day but he doesn't consume my thoughts, like that first month. I can think of him, and even talk about him, without crying sometimes. Today felt so much like that first week. I just want this to NOT be MY life! I want to still be pregnant. I want to be 25 weeks pregnant. I want to be decorating the nursery and buying my little boy outfits and toys. Instead, Allen and I sat in the nursery today in an empty glider. A glider that I will never rock my baby to sleep in. I remember sitting in it the week before we lost him. I had checked on Cameron, before going to bed and had stopped outside the nursery door. I sat in the glider and looked around the room smiling, thinking of how different it was going to be checking on two kids. That image is now shattered beyond repair. I told Allen I think I want to sell it. He said we should keep it because "we never know". I have mixed feelings about it. I guess I'll keep it for now. Even if we have another baby, I don't know how I'll feel rocking him/her in that glider. I think part of me will always see it as Nathan's glider.
Today just kinda sucked. Never could I have imagined, 11 years ago, that this is where we would be. Marriage and life definitely haven't played out like I thought they would. Sometimes, I wish I had married a romantic man. Sometimes, I wish I had married a more sensitive man. But then, on days like today... during the rare moment when he just holds me and lets me be me; I can't imagine being married to anyone else. He's not perfect by any means, but he's enough for me. He loves me and accepts me with all of my imperfections. He may not be right by my side during each storm I face but I know that he will be there to pick me up and love me, when my world falls apart; and that's good enough for me.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
Drained
This was my Facebook post tonight...
"Ever have days when your mind is just blank... just so emotionally drained? I went to blog tonight and I can't even get the words/feelings out. I literally sat, staring at the keyboard. It's almost like... why bother. Nothing I feel, type or say is going to change anything. :-("
I figured maybe I'd come back on here... type that and something would trigger my brain. It really hasn't but I'm going to just type and see where it takes me.
Cameron started preschool on Wednesday. I'm so proud of him. When I picked him up, the teacher said, "He is so smart!" I love him so much... he is my greatest accomplishment. I feel bad sometimes because I feel like I love him more than Nathan. I feel like I'm being disloyal to Nathan or favoring Cameron. Then again, I guess it's not really that I love him more... just a different love. I never got a chance to bond and make memories with Nathan. I just have this fierce love for him. It's more of a protection I feel for him... like I have to protect his memory and make sure his life wasn't meaningless. I don't want to be the only person who knows he existed. I'm still trying to figure out why that's so important to me. As much as it hurts, it also makes me smile and my heart sing... to hear someone mention him or ask about his project.
I did good seeing Cameron's friend's mom... who's due date is the same week as mine was. She was coming down the hall as I dropped Cameron off on Wednesday. She wasn't looking up, so I don't think she saw me. I don't know if she knows what happened or not, but I'm sure she'll put two and two together when she sees my non-pregnant belly. I felt a quick, jolt when I saw her... like a stab in my heart. Of course, I didn't want to but it was like I couldn't stop myself. My eyes immediately traveled to her belly. Boom! There it was... a beautiful, perfect round belly. I've learned through a friend's Facebook page that she's having a girl. That sorta makes me feel a little better, although, I'm not sure why. I guess just knowing she isn't having a boy... as weird as that sounds. I teared up a little as I walked across the parking lot. I couldn't help but try to imagine if I was still pregnant, how that scene would've gone. We'd stop, smile and compliment each other on our big bellies, exchange a "how are you feeling", ect.
I was pushing Cameron on the swing, in the yard, earlier this week. When I looked up, I saw a little, orange butterfly on the grass, just sitting there. I think of Nathan every time I see one. It reminds me of how beautiful but fragile he was. A few minutes later, I started to walk Cameron over to my in-laws, across the street. As we walked by my car, I noticed the same butterfly flying past us. It stopped a little ways up the driveway and settled on the neighbors fence. As we walked past it, it fluttered down and landed beside our mailbox. I started smiling, thinking of Nathan's spirit in the butterfly, playing a sweet game of tag. It was almost like he was saying, "Catch me, mom!" As we got to the mailbox, it flew up and went around us and then flew away across the yard. Part of me wanted to catch it and hold onto it. However, just like with Nathan... I know it's a free spirit that isn't meant to be captured, just remembered.
"Ever have days when your mind is just blank... just so emotionally drained? I went to blog tonight and I can't even get the words/feelings out. I literally sat, staring at the keyboard. It's almost like... why bother. Nothing I feel, type or say is going to change anything. :-("
I figured maybe I'd come back on here... type that and something would trigger my brain. It really hasn't but I'm going to just type and see where it takes me.
Cameron started preschool on Wednesday. I'm so proud of him. When I picked him up, the teacher said, "He is so smart!" I love him so much... he is my greatest accomplishment. I feel bad sometimes because I feel like I love him more than Nathan. I feel like I'm being disloyal to Nathan or favoring Cameron. Then again, I guess it's not really that I love him more... just a different love. I never got a chance to bond and make memories with Nathan. I just have this fierce love for him. It's more of a protection I feel for him... like I have to protect his memory and make sure his life wasn't meaningless. I don't want to be the only person who knows he existed. I'm still trying to figure out why that's so important to me. As much as it hurts, it also makes me smile and my heart sing... to hear someone mention him or ask about his project.
I did good seeing Cameron's friend's mom... who's due date is the same week as mine was. She was coming down the hall as I dropped Cameron off on Wednesday. She wasn't looking up, so I don't think she saw me. I don't know if she knows what happened or not, but I'm sure she'll put two and two together when she sees my non-pregnant belly. I felt a quick, jolt when I saw her... like a stab in my heart. Of course, I didn't want to but it was like I couldn't stop myself. My eyes immediately traveled to her belly. Boom! There it was... a beautiful, perfect round belly. I've learned through a friend's Facebook page that she's having a girl. That sorta makes me feel a little better, although, I'm not sure why. I guess just knowing she isn't having a boy... as weird as that sounds. I teared up a little as I walked across the parking lot. I couldn't help but try to imagine if I was still pregnant, how that scene would've gone. We'd stop, smile and compliment each other on our big bellies, exchange a "how are you feeling", ect.
I was pushing Cameron on the swing, in the yard, earlier this week. When I looked up, I saw a little, orange butterfly on the grass, just sitting there. I think of Nathan every time I see one. It reminds me of how beautiful but fragile he was. A few minutes later, I started to walk Cameron over to my in-laws, across the street. As we walked by my car, I noticed the same butterfly flying past us. It stopped a little ways up the driveway and settled on the neighbors fence. As we walked past it, it fluttered down and landed beside our mailbox. I started smiling, thinking of Nathan's spirit in the butterfly, playing a sweet game of tag. It was almost like he was saying, "Catch me, mom!" As we got to the mailbox, it flew up and went around us and then flew away across the yard. Part of me wanted to catch it and hold onto it. However, just like with Nathan... I know it's a free spirit that isn't meant to be captured, just remembered.
Monday, September 5, 2011
A Good Weekend
It has been a good weekend... for which I'm thankful. It didn't start out so great on Friday and I was wondering if it was going to be all bad. I went to work and just before time to come home, a co-worker and I were approached by two other co-workers. They mentioned that they were going to do a cake raffle to raise money for another co-worker, who is out because of a car accident. I know I'm being emotional and over-sensitive but it kinda hurt my feelings. Two departments, that I don't even work with, gave me a card and money... one department before I even returned to work. I got a card from my department towards the end of the week when I returned, after I posted a thank you card for the other departments. It was appreciated but it almost felt like a "whoops, I guess we need to give" card. I was out almost a month. It felt like they all just forgot about me during that time and once I was back to work, they realized they hadn't done anything. I don't want people's pity but it would've been nice to have my loss acknowledged when it happened, not more than a month later. Another co-worker lost everything in a fire right before I had Nathan. They had money and furniture donations going to her the day after it happened. I know, I know... I'm being ungrateful. It just kinda bothered me. I should be happy that I received a card at all. What's the saying... "better late than never"?
Anyway, I got home and told Allen about it... which of course ended up with me crying. He and I talked for a bit. My therapist had been urging me to talk to him. Things haven't really changed for us but I feel a little better that he knows how I feel and I know where he is (as far as him acting the way he does about it). He's not trying to be mean or insensitive... it's just how he is. He was very close to his brother and he rarely talks about him. He basically feels like it won't change anything and that there's no point in living in the past. You remember them but don't dwell on the what if's or might have been's. If only I could get my mind wrapped around that idea... but I just can't. I asked him if he though what I was doing with Nathan's project was a good thing. He said, "Helping people is always a good thing." It felt good to feel like I had his approval and blessing. I'm not saying I needed it but it felt good to have my decision supported by him.
My sister-in-law and her husband went to PA to visit family for the weekend. They came home today and she brought a beautiful prayer shawl back. Their cousin, Hope made it for me. Isn't it beautiful?!?!
Most of this weekend has been spent being lazy. I didn't even get out of my pj's until almost 1pm today. I've got one load of laundry done. Well, almost done... they are dry in the dryer. ;-) I guess tomorrow will be spent trying to get things back in order for the work week to begin again.
Anyway, I got home and told Allen about it... which of course ended up with me crying. He and I talked for a bit. My therapist had been urging me to talk to him. Things haven't really changed for us but I feel a little better that he knows how I feel and I know where he is (as far as him acting the way he does about it). He's not trying to be mean or insensitive... it's just how he is. He was very close to his brother and he rarely talks about him. He basically feels like it won't change anything and that there's no point in living in the past. You remember them but don't dwell on the what if's or might have been's. If only I could get my mind wrapped around that idea... but I just can't. I asked him if he though what I was doing with Nathan's project was a good thing. He said, "Helping people is always a good thing." It felt good to feel like I had his approval and blessing. I'm not saying I needed it but it felt good to have my decision supported by him.
My sister-in-law and her husband went to PA to visit family for the weekend. They came home today and she brought a beautiful prayer shawl back. Their cousin, Hope made it for me. Isn't it beautiful?!?!
Most of this weekend has been spent being lazy. I didn't even get out of my pj's until almost 1pm today. I've got one load of laundry done. Well, almost done... they are dry in the dryer. ;-) I guess tomorrow will be spent trying to get things back in order for the work week to begin again.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Doctor Bill & Ultrasound
I've been debating for a couple weeks now, whether or not, to call my OB and ask for a copy of the pictures they took at my last appointment. The one where they told me Nathan was gone. I remember it seemed like she was taking a lot of pictures but I guess she wasn't taking many... just measurements. I finally called and I went today to pick them up. Well, 'them' turned out to be one. One picture. One picture of my son is all I got. I'm kinda wishing now that I had just left well enough alone.
I get home from the doctor's office and what does my lovely mailbox hold? The OB's bill charging me $1,900 for a vaginal delivery. They're kidding, right? I call the office to dispute the charges because I never saw the doctor. The 3rd shift nurse named Heather delivered my baby. I saw the doctor for a total of about 5 minutes the entire time I was in the hospital. It was long enough for him to basically tell me to "hang in there". I refuse to pay him $1,900 for his time. She said the doctor's submit their own charges. She supposed to look into it and call me back.
***UPDATE: Apparently, it was a "billing error". She said they've reimbursed the insurance company and they'll send me a new statement.***
Today sucks. I have to leave for work in about 30 minutes and I just want to hide under the covers. Allen seems to be in a crappy mood and it doesn't make me feel any better. My therapist recommended that I talk to him about how I've been feeling. I was thinking about it but now, I don't even see the point. I feel like nobody cares... like they're all just saying/acting like I should just get over this and pretend it never happened. I don't want to forget Nathan... but part of me wishes it were that easy. Forgetting and living without this pain and hole in my heart would be so much easier.
I get home from the doctor's office and what does my lovely mailbox hold? The OB's bill charging me $1,900 for a vaginal delivery. They're kidding, right? I call the office to dispute the charges because I never saw the doctor. The 3rd shift nurse named Heather delivered my baby. I saw the doctor for a total of about 5 minutes the entire time I was in the hospital. It was long enough for him to basically tell me to "hang in there". I refuse to pay him $1,900 for his time. She said the doctor's submit their own charges. She supposed to look into it and call me back.
***UPDATE: Apparently, it was a "billing error". She said they've reimbursed the insurance company and they'll send me a new statement.***
Today sucks. I have to leave for work in about 30 minutes and I just want to hide under the covers. Allen seems to be in a crappy mood and it doesn't make me feel any better. My therapist recommended that I talk to him about how I've been feeling. I was thinking about it but now, I don't even see the point. I feel like nobody cares... like they're all just saying/acting like I should just get over this and pretend it never happened. I don't want to forget Nathan... but part of me wishes it were that easy. Forgetting and living without this pain and hole in my heart would be so much easier.
Emotional
Wow, what an emotional week. I don't even know where to begin...
The third option I mentioned in my going back to work post happened tonight. A lady on 3rd shift looked at my stomach today and said, "So, when did you say you were due?" I wasn't prepared... I had to compose myself for a minute. I managed to mutter, "You didn't hear? I lost my baby. He was born July 21st." She quickly apologized and then seemed to really want to get away from me. We were in the gowning room and she started gowning up a lot faster. Maybe she realized how late she was or maybe it was just my imagination... but she seemed to be in a bigger hurry to leave the gowning room after that. Some days, I feel like I'm wearing a scarlet letter on my chest. I see people look at me, out of the corner of my eye. They have that sad "I feel sorry for her look." I don't want their sympathy or their pity. It would be nice to have their friendship. My loss isn't contagious. I don't have to be avoided like the plague. People that used to say hey and talk to me, don't anymore. It makes me mad but mostly, it just hurts. Some days, I feel like Nathan just consumes who I am. Its like walking through a cloud of cigarette smoke and I can't quite get the smell out of my shirt. Part of me feels like I'm obsessing about him. Everything I talk about or post on Facebook about, is about him or is another dead baby related post. How am I supposed to go back to who I was before? How am I supposed to incorporate him into my life without feeling obsessive or defensive? I've turned into this whole other person and I don't know who she is? I wonder if this is a fraction of what it feels like to have multiple personalities or be a mental patient? (Half joking, half serious)
I got on Facebook earlier today and people keep posting these comments like "I'm 14 weeks and I'm craving peanut butter" or whatever. I only noticed it on 2 people's wall. The first girl is pregnant so I figured it was just a random comment. The second person I don't know really, really well... so I was like "Oh, wow... she's pregnant." It kinda hit me in the gut... that pang of jealousy and sadness. A reminder that I'm no longer pregnant.
I get online tonight, after work... and its on more and more walls. I just kept reading it over and over. I finally read, on the Teen Parents of Angels' wall, what it was all about. Apparently, it's a game supporting breast cancer. What??? Here's how it works...
Let's go with my birthday. Can someone explain to me how in the hell posting "I'm 4 weeks and I'm craving Kit-Kat" on my wall is supposed to show my support of breast cancer? Anyone? Someone?
The third option I mentioned in my going back to work post happened tonight. A lady on 3rd shift looked at my stomach today and said, "So, when did you say you were due?" I wasn't prepared... I had to compose myself for a minute. I managed to mutter, "You didn't hear? I lost my baby. He was born July 21st." She quickly apologized and then seemed to really want to get away from me. We were in the gowning room and she started gowning up a lot faster. Maybe she realized how late she was or maybe it was just my imagination... but she seemed to be in a bigger hurry to leave the gowning room after that. Some days, I feel like I'm wearing a scarlet letter on my chest. I see people look at me, out of the corner of my eye. They have that sad "I feel sorry for her look." I don't want their sympathy or their pity. It would be nice to have their friendship. My loss isn't contagious. I don't have to be avoided like the plague. People that used to say hey and talk to me, don't anymore. It makes me mad but mostly, it just hurts. Some days, I feel like Nathan just consumes who I am. Its like walking through a cloud of cigarette smoke and I can't quite get the smell out of my shirt. Part of me feels like I'm obsessing about him. Everything I talk about or post on Facebook about, is about him or is another dead baby related post. How am I supposed to go back to who I was before? How am I supposed to incorporate him into my life without feeling obsessive or defensive? I've turned into this whole other person and I don't know who she is? I wonder if this is a fraction of what it feels like to have multiple personalities or be a mental patient? (Half joking, half serious)
I got on Facebook earlier today and people keep posting these comments like "I'm 14 weeks and I'm craving peanut butter" or whatever. I only noticed it on 2 people's wall. The first girl is pregnant so I figured it was just a random comment. The second person I don't know really, really well... so I was like "Oh, wow... she's pregnant." It kinda hit me in the gut... that pang of jealousy and sadness. A reminder that I'm no longer pregnant.
I get online tonight, after work... and its on more and more walls. I just kept reading it over and over. I finally read, on the Teen Parents of Angels' wall, what it was all about. Apparently, it's a game supporting breast cancer. What??? Here's how it works...
Ok pretty ladies, it's that time of year again, in support of breast cancer awareness!! Remember last year so many people took part that it made national news and, the constant updating of status reminded everyone why we're doing this and helped raise awareness!! Do NOT tell any males what the status' mean, keep them guessing!! And please copy and paste (in a message )this to all your female friends to see if we can make a bigger fuss this year than last year!!! I did my part... now YOUR turn!
The idea is to choose the month you were born and the day you were born. Pass this on to the girls only and lets see how far it reaches around. The last one about the bra went round allovr the world. So you'll write... I'm (your birth month) weeks and I'm craving (your birth date)!!! as your status.
Example: Feb 14th = I'm 2 weeks and craving Choclolate mints!!
January - 1 week
Febuary - 2 weeks
March - 3 weeks
April - 4 weeks
May - 6 weeks
June - 8 weeks
July - 10 weeks
August - 12 weeks
September - 13 weeks
October - 14 weeks
November - 16 weeks
December - 18 weeks
Days of the month: 1-Skittles 2-Starburst 3-Kit-Kat 4-M&M's 5-Galaxy 6-Crunchie 7-Dairy Milk 8-Lollipop 9-Peanut Butter Cups 10-Meat Balls 11-Twizzlers 12-Bubble Gum 13-Hershey's Kisses 14-Chocolate Mints 15-Twix 16-Resse's Fastbreak 17-Fudge 18-Cherry Jello 19-Milkyway 20-Pickels 21-Creme Eggs 22-Skittles 23-Gummy Bears 24-Gummy Worms 25-Strawberry Pop Tarts 26-Starburst 27-Mini Eggs 28-Kit-Kat Chunkie 29-Double Chocolate Chip Chrunchy Cookies 30-Smarties 31-Chocolate Cake
Let's go with my birthday. Can someone explain to me how in the hell posting "I'm 4 weeks and I'm craving Kit-Kat" on my wall is supposed to show my support of breast cancer? Anyone? Someone?
The girl that "runs" the TMOA's page apparently got into a spat with some of her friends, by telling them that it was hurtful to baby loss parents. She was basically thrown under the bus (so to speak)... even by a couple women who said they'd had miscarriages. Here was my response to her...
Don't let them get to you. They clearly don't understand and I thank God that they don't. I'm less than 6 weeks into my loss. It was like a punch in the stomach every time I read one of these postings today. I know its meant to be a game but for me, personally, it's a reminder that I'm no longer pregnant. We're not saying "poor pitiful me"... we're saying support breast cancer in a way that actually supports breast cancer. I didn't even know what the posts were about until I read this posting. How am I supposed to help support breast cancer with a game that I don't even know that's want its purpose is? A game that slaps me in the face and reminds of my new reality... a mom that is no longer pregnant. A mom that had to hold her lifeless child in her arms. I'm glad that those women who suffered losses are able to play and not find it offensive. Perhaps one day, I'll get to a place of peace and resolution like they have. Right now, I'm just not. My grief and emotions are too fresh and raw. Perhaps we're taking this too personal... but for us, this hurts. We don't need to apologize for being hurt by this. It is what it is. Part of me feels like posting... "I should be 23 weeks pregnant. Right now, I'm craving my son Nathan in my arms."
You know what... I'm almost ready to say "screw it" and not care who gets offended and actually post it on my Facebook page.
***Update about 10 minutes later: I just scared the hell out of myself and did something that is so unlike me. I'm literally sitting here shaking. Part of me is scared about the reaction I'll get from people... and part of me could care less. I just posted a picture, on Facebook, for an event helping support a friend who's fighting breast cancer. Here's what I just posted on Facebook above it...
Well, the blogging didn't help. It just ticked me off more. In advance, I apologize to anyone this offends. Here's my response to the breast cancer support game going around. "I should be 23 weeks. Right now, I'm craving my son Nathan in my arms." If you really want to support breast cancer... click on the picture below. Attend the event or send money to help Tanya Ray Gunter fight breast cancer!
I wonder how times I'll get "de-friended" over this one?
***UPDATE: Two days later, I ended up with a total of 10 de-friends. Oh, well...***
***Update about 10 minutes later: I just scared the hell out of myself and did something that is so unlike me. I'm literally sitting here shaking. Part of me is scared about the reaction I'll get from people... and part of me could care less. I just posted a picture, on Facebook, for an event helping support a friend who's fighting breast cancer. Here's what I just posted on Facebook above it...
Well, the blogging didn't help. It just ticked me off more. In advance, I apologize to anyone this offends. Here's my response to the breast cancer support game going around. "I should be 23 weeks. Right now, I'm craving my son Nathan in my arms." If you really want to support breast cancer... click on the picture below. Attend the event or send money to help Tanya Ray Gunter fight breast cancer!
I wonder how times I'll get "de-friended" over this one?
***UPDATE: Two days later, I ended up with a total of 10 de-friends. Oh, well...***
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Questions
I really like "Glow in the Woods". It's turning out to be a very healing site. Reading the posts on there, really get me thinking. I'm not a very good writer... especially when it comes to feelings. I've always been more of a "bottle-it-up-and-just-deal-with-it" kinda person. I hate to have just a copy/paste post... but this is the best way I know to start writing. I'm starting off with small bits and pieces, by reading and responding to other stories. Who knows, maybe one day I'll get to a point of being able to really "bear my soul". Right now, I just can't... not all at one time. This is as good as it gets for now.
Here's the post...
http://www.glowinthewoods.com/home/2011/6/30/the-smallest-jar.html?lastPage=true#comment14961032
Here's my reply...
I'm a little late to this posting but I'm new. I wanted to join in... especially after getting the following question asked today. (I lost my son, Nathan, at 4 months gestation. I was induced and delivered him on July 21, 2011. I've been back to work less than 2 weeks now.) My mom had a memorial shirt made, for me, with my son's name on it. A lady at work said, "Oh, I love your shirt! It's so pretty... what does it say? (pause while she reads the poem) Whose name is that?" I said, "It's my son's name." She looked at me, straight-faced, and said, "Oh, you named him?" In my mind, I was like 'Um, yeah... why wouldn't I?' My supervisor happened to walk up, so I didn't answer her... I just walked off. It bothered me. It hurt. It pissed me off. It made me sad to think that the only person who thinks my son's life mattered is me... or at least that's how I feel. I wonder if she would've asked me that if I'd carried him full-term and he died? I really hate the image people have of miscarriage... like it's just a procedure or something that happened.
Another question I hate... Are you going to try again? Ugh... I HATE this one! My son's been gone less than 2 months. Really, you feel the need to ask me that?!?!?! It took me 5 years and a fertility specialist to get pregnant with my first son and 3 years to get pregnant with Nathan. I've had a constant supply of negative pregnancy tests, over the years, to remind me of how infertile I am. Now, I get to be reminded that I have a dead child also. Apparently, one that people feel will be replaced by having another one. I failed at carrying him... so I guess they think I need to try again?!?! As I was told by another co-worker, "Maybe, the next one will work out." Yeah, its like trying on a dress. This one didn't fit... maybe the next one will."
I'm starting to think I'm surrounded by stupid people. :-(
Here's the post...
http://www.glowinthewoods.com/home/2011/6/30/the-smallest-jar.html?lastPage=true#comment14961032
Here's my reply...
I'm a little late to this posting but I'm new. I wanted to join in... especially after getting the following question asked today. (I lost my son, Nathan, at 4 months gestation. I was induced and delivered him on July 21, 2011. I've been back to work less than 2 weeks now.) My mom had a memorial shirt made, for me, with my son's name on it. A lady at work said, "Oh, I love your shirt! It's so pretty... what does it say? (pause while she reads the poem) Whose name is that?" I said, "It's my son's name." She looked at me, straight-faced, and said, "Oh, you named him?" In my mind, I was like 'Um, yeah... why wouldn't I?' My supervisor happened to walk up, so I didn't answer her... I just walked off. It bothered me. It hurt. It pissed me off. It made me sad to think that the only person who thinks my son's life mattered is me... or at least that's how I feel. I wonder if she would've asked me that if I'd carried him full-term and he died? I really hate the image people have of miscarriage... like it's just a procedure or something that happened.
Another question I hate... Are you going to try again? Ugh... I HATE this one! My son's been gone less than 2 months. Really, you feel the need to ask me that?!?!?! It took me 5 years and a fertility specialist to get pregnant with my first son and 3 years to get pregnant with Nathan. I've had a constant supply of negative pregnancy tests, over the years, to remind me of how infertile I am. Now, I get to be reminded that I have a dead child also. Apparently, one that people feel will be replaced by having another one. I failed at carrying him... so I guess they think I need to try again?!?! As I was told by another co-worker, "Maybe, the next one will work out." Yeah, its like trying on a dress. This one didn't fit... maybe the next one will."
I'm starting to think I'm surrounded by stupid people. :-(
Monday, August 29, 2011
Short Story
I finally ventured to some websites I found on the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope website. I stopped over at a Glow in the Woods' site. I just read the most powerful thing I've read, probably in my whole life. It took me about an hour to read it and the posts below it, through my tears. I must say though, it got me thinking and before I even realized it... I had hit the submit button to post a reply. I think it's the most honest I've been since Nathan died. It kinda scares me... but it also feels good.
I've tried so hard to be considerate of everyone around me. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I don't like people to see me cry or be upset. I didn't realize what a good actress I was. I smile and tell everyone "I'm okay" when they ask. I think part of me actually believes it. But then the other part of me, is mad and angry... yelling, "How can you be so 'blah' about this?" I wonder some days why I'm taking this "so well". People have said they can't believe how strong I am... especially for wanting to start Nathan's project so soon after his death. I don't really have an answer. I just know that NOBODY should ever have the regrets I have. No mother should have to write the reply I wrote to the short story...
Here's the link to read the story...
http://www.glowinthewoods.com/home/2011/8/25/short-story.html
and here's my reply...
I've been reading the posts above through my tears. I think this is the most powerful thing I've read since I lost my baby.
What wouldn't my future self say? I have so many regrets. I would record the 12-week ultrasound so that I would have video of my baby alive and moving. I would hit the send button to call my husband when I learned they couldn't find a heartbeat at the 4 month appointment, instead of hanging up during the first ring and driving my 3 year old and I home. I would ask more questions to understand and know what was going to happen during and after delivery. I would buy an outfit and blanket... even if it was for a doll out of the toy department. Something... anything... to lessen the shock of having him handed to me in a standard newborn hospital blanket. To have something he touched, to take home and hold when I miss him and want to cry. I would insist that my husband stay with me at the hospital and be with me as I brought our second son into the world after 12 hours of labor. I wouldn't care about being embarrassed or about anyone else's comfort level as I held my dead child in my arms. I would take pictures... tons of pictures. Yes, a baby who is 16 weeks, 5 day gestation is tiny... beyond tiny. No, they don't look like a chubby, bundle of joy. But take the damn pictures anyway; they are the only mementoes you will ever have! When you lay awake at 2am, begging your brain to let you remember the tiny details of him... you will want those pictures. It will be comforting to see that, yes, he had your nose and his daddy's forehead and long legs. Just shy of 17 weeks, you will look at the pictures and marvel at how God could create such an amazing, tiny person; every tiny detail, already formed and in place. I would insist on having the same things as a mom delivering a live baby. I would demand to have length and weight measurements, instead of measuring him with my hand and never knowing how much he weighed. I would tell the nurse to try again, when she tells me they couldn't get footprints. I would tell her that I don't care if all she gets is a foot smudge. I don't need a picture perfect set of footprints... I just want something, anything to remind me that was my son real. Screw the nurse about to take my blood pressure. I would hold him instead of telling them I was ready for them to take him after only 30 minutes. I would cry when I felt like it, instead of holding it all in. I would care less about making sure everyone around me is comfortable. I would not try so hard to act okay, while crumbling on the inside. I would care less about what other people think. I would feel less ashamed of grieving and tell myself it's okay to feel however I want to feel.
I would gladly relive the pain and heartbreak all over again for just one more chance to hold him... even knowing the outcome would be the same.
I've tried so hard to be considerate of everyone around me. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I don't like people to see me cry or be upset. I didn't realize what a good actress I was. I smile and tell everyone "I'm okay" when they ask. I think part of me actually believes it. But then the other part of me, is mad and angry... yelling, "How can you be so 'blah' about this?" I wonder some days why I'm taking this "so well". People have said they can't believe how strong I am... especially for wanting to start Nathan's project so soon after his death. I don't really have an answer. I just know that NOBODY should ever have the regrets I have. No mother should have to write the reply I wrote to the short story...
Here's the link to read the story...
http://www.glowinthewoods.com/home/2011/8/25/short-story.html
and here's my reply...
I've been reading the posts above through my tears. I think this is the most powerful thing I've read since I lost my baby.
What wouldn't my future self say? I have so many regrets. I would record the 12-week ultrasound so that I would have video of my baby alive and moving. I would hit the send button to call my husband when I learned they couldn't find a heartbeat at the 4 month appointment, instead of hanging up during the first ring and driving my 3 year old and I home. I would ask more questions to understand and know what was going to happen during and after delivery. I would buy an outfit and blanket... even if it was for a doll out of the toy department. Something... anything... to lessen the shock of having him handed to me in a standard newborn hospital blanket. To have something he touched, to take home and hold when I miss him and want to cry. I would insist that my husband stay with me at the hospital and be with me as I brought our second son into the world after 12 hours of labor. I wouldn't care about being embarrassed or about anyone else's comfort level as I held my dead child in my arms. I would take pictures... tons of pictures. Yes, a baby who is 16 weeks, 5 day gestation is tiny... beyond tiny. No, they don't look like a chubby, bundle of joy. But take the damn pictures anyway; they are the only mementoes you will ever have! When you lay awake at 2am, begging your brain to let you remember the tiny details of him... you will want those pictures. It will be comforting to see that, yes, he had your nose and his daddy's forehead and long legs. Just shy of 17 weeks, you will look at the pictures and marvel at how God could create such an amazing, tiny person; every tiny detail, already formed and in place. I would insist on having the same things as a mom delivering a live baby. I would demand to have length and weight measurements, instead of measuring him with my hand and never knowing how much he weighed. I would tell the nurse to try again, when she tells me they couldn't get footprints. I would tell her that I don't care if all she gets is a foot smudge. I don't need a picture perfect set of footprints... I just want something, anything to remind me that was my son real. Screw the nurse about to take my blood pressure. I would hold him instead of telling them I was ready for them to take him after only 30 minutes. I would cry when I felt like it, instead of holding it all in. I would care less about making sure everyone around me is comfortable. I would not try so hard to act okay, while crumbling on the inside. I would care less about what other people think. I would feel less ashamed of grieving and tell myself it's okay to feel however I want to feel.
I would gladly relive the pain and heartbreak all over again for just one more chance to hold him... even knowing the outcome would be the same.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Back to Work
Well, I survived my first day back to work. It went okay, I guess... pretty much how I thought it would go. I had several people tell they were glad I was back and that they missed me. A couple people told me that they were sorry to hear about what happened. Most people just ignored me. Only one person actually mentioned my son... one person. It hurt but I expected it.
I never realized what a "taboo" subject it was until now. People are just not comfortable talking about the loss of a baby... especially during pregnancy. I can't imagine the heartache women must have suffered all these years. My grandma lost a daughter, who she named Lenny. Lenny lived for 16 days and my grandpa never allowed grandma to see or hold her. Mama said that grandma hated him until the day she died because of it. Back then, the hospital took care of the babies remains and women were sent home. Those lost babies were never added to the family tree or talked about again. All these years later, I don't even know what was wrong with Lenny or why she died.
As much as I hate myself for giving Nathan up so quickly... I try to remind myself that I'm lucky. (As much as one can be in this situation.) I got to see, hold and name him. There are so many women out there who never got that kind of closure. They'll always wonder what gender their baby was, wonder what he/she looked like, etc. I got all that... and I thank God for allowing me that privilege. As much as it hurt, I'm blessed that I got to have that time with my son. On the bad days, I just have to remind myself of that.
I wrote the following on August 9th on my Late Pregnancy Loss support board. One of the moms was beating herself up for some feelings she was having. I remembered it tonight and I think I need to read my own writing...
I think we all struggle in our own ways. To each of us... our loss is worse... because WE are experiencing it. It's not that you're being mean... you're hurting and you can't understand how anyone else thinks that they could possibly hurt as much as you do. And honestly, they don't. Even though we're all greiving our losses... they are just that, OUR losses. We can say "I understand what you're going through". We can't say "I know how you feel" because we don't.
I never realized what a "taboo" subject it was until now. People are just not comfortable talking about the loss of a baby... especially during pregnancy. I can't imagine the heartache women must have suffered all these years. My grandma lost a daughter, who she named Lenny. Lenny lived for 16 days and my grandpa never allowed grandma to see or hold her. Mama said that grandma hated him until the day she died because of it. Back then, the hospital took care of the babies remains and women were sent home. Those lost babies were never added to the family tree or talked about again. All these years later, I don't even know what was wrong with Lenny or why she died.
As much as I hate myself for giving Nathan up so quickly... I try to remind myself that I'm lucky. (As much as one can be in this situation.) I got to see, hold and name him. There are so many women out there who never got that kind of closure. They'll always wonder what gender their baby was, wonder what he/she looked like, etc. I got all that... and I thank God for allowing me that privilege. As much as it hurt, I'm blessed that I got to have that time with my son. On the bad days, I just have to remind myself of that.
I wrote the following on August 9th on my Late Pregnancy Loss support board. One of the moms was beating herself up for some feelings she was having. I remembered it tonight and I think I need to read my own writing...
I think we all struggle in our own ways. To each of us... our loss is worse... because WE are experiencing it. It's not that you're being mean... you're hurting and you can't understand how anyone else thinks that they could possibly hurt as much as you do. And honestly, they don't. Even though we're all greiving our losses... they are just that, OUR losses. We can say "I understand what you're going through". We can't say "I know how you feel" because we don't.
I'm sure the 1st trimester moms, are jealous of us. Perhaps, they wish they'd been able to deliver, hold and see their baby and know the gender. I think it would have been harder, for me, to have closure if I hadn't been able to see him and name him.
I find myself sometimes jealous of women who carried their baby longer. They got more time, more kicks and a bigger baby to hold. They had time to develop more memories with their baby... even if it was while they were inside them. They didn't have to worry that they would bruise their baby just by holding them. (I don't think.) Their baby was bigger and more developed... and, I imagine, a tad less shocking than your baby and mine. Nathan was only 6 1/2" long (about the same as yours) and even though he was developed and looked exactly like a tiny baby... it was a shocking experience. I didn't get the tiny, white baby that I imagined in my mind... I had a purplish baby that fit in one hand. Whether the staff tries to prepare you or not, no parent expects or imagines their baby like that. Later gestation families get footprints and (most) get a baby outfit or blanket to wrap their child in. They had moments and memotoes of their baby that most earlier loss women will never have. Part of me, is jealous of you... because you DID get those things and our babies were close in age. I wish I had footprints and a blanket to hold when I want to cry and feel closer to my baby. I think it's only natural for all of us to wish we'd had more than what we had.
Then again, I don't know how much harder it would have been had I carried Nathan longer. To have more time bonding, to go through a more difficult, painful labor and still have the same end result. To already have his nursery complete and have to come home empty-handed and take it all apart... that would have been torture. (We only had his room painted, the crib and glider bought... which has been bad enough.) My heart broke into a million pieces when my friend told me about having to return everything after her loss... having to explain the reason for the returns was because her baby had died at 30 weeks gestation.
I think also the thing that moms, who miscarry vs. stillbirth, struggle with is public perception. Not only are we trying to greive, we feel that we have to justify our grief. When a woman has a stillbirth, the baby is recognized more as a baby. Most of the time, sympathy and support is given to the familiy, without question... as they lost a child. When a woman miscarrys, she is looked at as "oh, it was just a miscarriage". They don't look at the fact that we ALL lost a baby. We were ALL emotionally invested in our pregnancies. Or at least that's how I feel.
The friend I mentioned earlier, who's baby died at 30 weeks... she received money, cards, flowers, food... as if a family member had died. (I don't mean that as a family member didn't die... I just didn't know how else to word it.) They had a funeral and family and friends were able to see their baby and grieve with them. We had Nathan creamated and my mom and I are the only people who saw him. We are the only people that know/saw he even existed. My husband didn't even see him. I can count on one hand the number of people who have said my son's name or mentioned him. I haven't received anything except a couple get well cards. While those are MASSIVELY appreciated... I wasn't sick. I lost a child. I was induced, I went through labor, I held my son, I had a baby. They don't see that, though.
The end result in every situation is the same... we are ALL parents who've lost a child/children. We are all traveling this path together and, point blank... it sucks.
I got two cards and some money tonight at work. I waited until I got home to open the card because I knew it would make me cry. The lady who gave it to me lost her young adult son to a car accident almost a year ago. I wasn't expecting the money... so it was a nice surprise. Amazingly enough, the card and money were from people on 3rd shift... people I don't even normally work with! How generous and thoughtful is that!?!? I got a card and money last week from the warehouse department (yet another group of people I don't normally work with). I wrote a thank you note and placed it on the message board at work tonight. I wrote it for warehouse department because it was before I realized 3rd was giving me a card/money. I told them thank you and that every dime given is going into Nathan's project.
I got an email back from the publishing company and they are going to let us purchase the support books at 51% off and charge 1/2 the cost of shipping!!!!! I'm so excited about that! Beth, at Compassionate Passages, had given me the contact information to get in touch with the publisher. They offer the same book through their program and have offered to donate 5 books for our cause! That is FIVE families who will have a book to help them understand their feelings while they grieve for their baby. How awesome is that?!?!
My niece, Kasey, is letting us borrow her sewing machine until I can save up for one. I'm so excited... I think I'm going to get some cheap fabric this weekend so I can start learning to sew and get some practice on it. Things are slowly falling into place for Nathan's project and I'm excited to see where it's all going. Excited is a nice feeling... a feeling I haven't had in a while.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Back to Reality
Its back to reality tomorrow... well, my "new" reality I guess I should say. Tomorrow will be my first day back to work since Nathan died. The sun comes up and life goes on...
Part of me is nervous and scared... part of me is ready. I know that I need to get back and on my feet. We've got bills coming in that need to be paid and short-term disability only pays so much. I'm just nervous about people's reaction. How crazy is that?!?! I feel like I'm in high school all over again. I know... I really need to worry less about what other people think. It's easier said than done.
I know one of three things is going to happen:
Part of me is nervous and scared... part of me is ready. I know that I need to get back and on my feet. We've got bills coming in that need to be paid and short-term disability only pays so much. I'm just nervous about people's reaction. How crazy is that?!?! I feel like I'm in high school all over again. I know... I really need to worry less about what other people think. It's easier said than done.
I know one of three things is going to happen:
- People are going to come up to me and tell me how sorry they are; which is going to make me cry; which is going to make them feel bad; which is going to make me feel bad for making them feel bad
- People are going to ignore me like the plague and pretend nothing ever happened; which is going to make me feel sad. It'll be like Nathan never existed and was never important.
- There is someone, I'm sure, who won't have heard what happened and, at some point, they will ask how the baby is doing or if I know what I'm having yet. Then once I tell them... it'll be a repeat of scenario #1.
Aghhhhhh... why did this happen?
< 10 minute gap >
Cameron just woke up and couldn't find his paci. I went in to help him find it and tuck him back in. I laid there beside his bed, rubbing his back, looking at his face against the light shining from his closet. (He's afraid of the dark so he has to have the closet light on and the door cracked.) I can't help but wonder what Nathan would look like. I saw what he looked like at almost 17 weeks gestation... but at birth, at one year, at three years... what would he have looked like? I just can't help but wonder what God's plan is... why us, why MY baby? What possible purpose involves taking a baby 4 months into a pregnancy? I just don't understand... and I don't think I ever will.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Random Thoughts
I started seeing a therapist last week. She suggested that I journal as an outlet for my feelings. I'm not a very good writer anymore. (My years of high school journalism are long gone!) I guess I'll give it a try and see how I feel. I'm still not sure whether I want to make this public or not. I've found great healing in reading other stories and knowing that I'm not alone. Who knows, maybe my story will help someone else feel that way.
I got an amazing donation in the mail yesterday for Nathan's project. I literally stopped breathing for a few seconds and then the tears started. An amazing woman (who, might I add, I've never met in person) made a generous donation to Nathan's project in memory of her late husband and son. I'm trying to figure out the best way to spend it. I want to get as much as I can with it. I contacted some publishing companies today. I'm hoping I can find a way to order the support books at a discount, if we order in bulk. At $10-12 a book, it adds up fast.
It's driving me crazy wanting a sewing machine so bad! Mommy & Me donated some of the prettiest minky fabric the other day. I can't wait to see how many blankets we can make with all of it. I want to get started!! Of course, I have to learn HOW to sew first. I had three people email me about making some of the pouches. I can't wait to see what they come up with. I'm just so thankful for the love and generosity of everyone who has been so supportive of this project. I know, that realistically, the support will probably lessen over time but I'm thankful for what they've given so far.
I've only got a couple more days until the waiting list opens for Small Bird Studios. I've been looking at several different scrapbooking kits... trying to figure out what kind of theme to go with. I feel like this project is a reflection of my love for Nathan and I want it to be perfect and beautiful. It's the only thing I can do for him now. I posted on the Birth Club and Facebook, asking for opinions, but nobody seems interested so I guess I'll have to decide for myself.
I think part of me feels like once we get these first boxes complete and delivered to the hospital... maybe I'll feel like I'm getting a second chance with Nathan. I know, in my mind, that's not true. Nothing will ever bring him back and I have to live with the choices that were made. I know, deep in my heart, that this is a wonderful thing to do... so I just have to prepare myself. I know I'm going to be disappointed once I get through the first donation and realize that nothing has changed for me and my family. But like a friend told me, if it (the project) gets to be too much... I can always step away from it.
My mind has been very confused the last couple days... well, weeks really. I have several friends who are pregnant. I'm genuinely happy for them but I can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy when I read their Facebook updates. I can't help but think of what updates I'd be posting if I were still pregnant. I'd be 21 weeks right now. I know it's only been a month since we lost him... but I'm trying to decide what my feelings are about trying again. It took us so long to get pregnant with Nathan. I think part of me is scared I won't be able to and that we'll never have another baby. Then part of me feels bad for even considering it so soon... like I'm trying to replace him or something. I know, in my heart, that isn't true... nobody will EVER replace him. I can't help my emotions though and how I feel. I want something to be happy and excited about. Part of me thinks a new baby will bring that happiness. Now, I know why they call them Rainbow Babies... the babies born after a loss. Of course, then I worry about the pregnancy. Pregnancy will never be joyous or happy for me... I'll be scared the whole time. I alway thought that once you got past the first trimester, you were home free. Now I know, that isn't always true. I don't even think I'd be able to relax after 17 weeks. I've read so many stories of women who have endured losses throughout the entire pregnancy, some during delivery.
I can't believe this is my life. It sucks so bad some times. I miss Nathan so much. I feel so bad for all the times I complained about pregnancy... about all the times I worried about money and bringing another baby into our lives. I would be happy broke and pregnant for 18 months, if it meant I could have him back. You hear people ask, if you could change one thing in your life what would it be. If you could go back and do something over again, what would it be. Up until Nathan, I've never had anything I'd want to change. I figure it all lead me to where I am now and made me who I am. Nathan's birth, however... is a whole different story. I'd give just about anything to do it over... even knowing the outcome would be the same. Even if I still lost him, I go through the pain and heartache all over again... just to have one more chance to hold him again.
Then reality snaps me back and I remember that there are no do-overs in life. I have to suck it up and deal with it. I have to remind myself that I have Allen and Cameron... and as short as the time was, I had Nathan. As much as it hurts, I'll take the pain, heartache and 4 months. I'd rather have those precious few moments with him, than to have never had him at all. I'm a different person because of him. I love him and I thank him every day for allowing ME to be his mommy for those 4 precious months.
Friday, August 19, 2011
1 Month
This is a repost of my Facebook page last night...
Happy One Month Heavenly Birthday
Thursday, August 18, 2011 at 1:43am
An hour from now, 4 weeks ago, I was preparing to hold my son for the first and last time. I can't believe it's been a month since he left for Heaven.
Nathan,
I think about you all the time. You're the first thought in my mind when I wake up and you're the last thought when I go to sleep. I check on your brother and then I touch your urn on the way to bed. Do you feel the kiss I blow you? Do you hear me tell you goodnight? I hope so. I took Cameron to the playground the other day. While he was swinging, he started blowing kisses every time he would swing forward, towards the sky. I asked him what he was doing and he said,"Blowing my brother kisses. You said he was in the sky, right? Can he catch my kisses?" I thought it was so sweet.
We all love you so much and it hurts that you're not here. Right now, I should be 21 weeks pregnant and excited about making it past the halfway point. I should be buying cute little outfits and decorating your room. Instead, I'm excited about all the donations and resources that are being used for your project. I'm scouting out sales to buy things for other moms, who sadly, will be where I am; and who's babies will be where you are. I hope that you're happy with the way I'm choosing to honor your memory. I will make sure that I'm not the only person who knows how special and wonderful you are.
Happy one month Heavenly birthday, my sweet angel!
Love, Mommy
Now it’s a month since your visit
and your memory lingers on,
Somehow feels like you’re around,
even though I know you’re gone,
and in these times when you feel so low
Ain’t nothing you can do.
But we’re still thankful for your visit
Cause we changed cause of you,
Yeah we changed cause of you.
— John Butler Trio, Spring
Happy One Month Heavenly Birthday
Thursday, August 18, 2011 at 1:43am
An hour from now, 4 weeks ago, I was preparing to hold my son for the first and last time. I can't believe it's been a month since he left for Heaven.
Nathan,
I think about you all the time. You're the first thought in my mind when I wake up and you're the last thought when I go to sleep. I check on your brother and then I touch your urn on the way to bed. Do you feel the kiss I blow you? Do you hear me tell you goodnight? I hope so. I took Cameron to the playground the other day. While he was swinging, he started blowing kisses every time he would swing forward, towards the sky. I asked him what he was doing and he said,"Blowing my brother kisses. You said he was in the sky, right? Can he catch my kisses?" I thought it was so sweet.
We all love you so much and it hurts that you're not here. Right now, I should be 21 weeks pregnant and excited about making it past the halfway point. I should be buying cute little outfits and decorating your room. Instead, I'm excited about all the donations and resources that are being used for your project. I'm scouting out sales to buy things for other moms, who sadly, will be where I am; and who's babies will be where you are. I hope that you're happy with the way I'm choosing to honor your memory. I will make sure that I'm not the only person who knows how special and wonderful you are.
Happy one month Heavenly birthday, my sweet angel!
Love, Mommy
Now it’s a month since your visit
and your memory lingers on,
Somehow feels like you’re around,
even though I know you’re gone,
and in these times when you feel so low
Ain’t nothing you can do.
But we’re still thankful for your visit
Cause we changed cause of you,
Yeah we changed cause of you.
— John Butler Trio, Spring
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