I got an amazing donation in the mail yesterday for Nathan's project. I literally stopped breathing for a few seconds and then the tears started. An amazing woman (who, might I add, I've never met in person) made a generous donation to Nathan's project in memory of her late husband and son. I'm trying to figure out the best way to spend it. I want to get as much as I can with it. I contacted some publishing companies today. I'm hoping I can find a way to order the support books at a discount, if we order in bulk. At $10-12 a book, it adds up fast.
It's driving me crazy wanting a sewing machine so bad! Mommy & Me donated some of the prettiest minky fabric the other day. I can't wait to see how many blankets we can make with all of it. I want to get started!! Of course, I have to learn HOW to sew first. I had three people email me about making some of the pouches. I can't wait to see what they come up with. I'm just so thankful for the love and generosity of everyone who has been so supportive of this project. I know, that realistically, the support will probably lessen over time but I'm thankful for what they've given so far.
I've only got a couple more days until the waiting list opens for Small Bird Studios. I've been looking at several different scrapbooking kits... trying to figure out what kind of theme to go with. I feel like this project is a reflection of my love for Nathan and I want it to be perfect and beautiful. It's the only thing I can do for him now. I posted on the Birth Club and Facebook, asking for opinions, but nobody seems interested so I guess I'll have to decide for myself.
I think part of me feels like once we get these first boxes complete and delivered to the hospital... maybe I'll feel like I'm getting a second chance with Nathan. I know, in my mind, that's not true. Nothing will ever bring him back and I have to live with the choices that were made. I know, deep in my heart, that this is a wonderful thing to do... so I just have to prepare myself. I know I'm going to be disappointed once I get through the first donation and realize that nothing has changed for me and my family. But like a friend told me, if it (the project) gets to be too much... I can always step away from it.
My mind has been very confused the last couple days... well, weeks really. I have several friends who are pregnant. I'm genuinely happy for them but I can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy when I read their Facebook updates. I can't help but think of what updates I'd be posting if I were still pregnant. I'd be 21 weeks right now. I know it's only been a month since we lost him... but I'm trying to decide what my feelings are about trying again. It took us so long to get pregnant with Nathan. I think part of me is scared I won't be able to and that we'll never have another baby. Then part of me feels bad for even considering it so soon... like I'm trying to replace him or something. I know, in my heart, that isn't true... nobody will EVER replace him. I can't help my emotions though and how I feel. I want something to be happy and excited about. Part of me thinks a new baby will bring that happiness. Now, I know why they call them Rainbow Babies... the babies born after a loss. Of course, then I worry about the pregnancy. Pregnancy will never be joyous or happy for me... I'll be scared the whole time. I alway thought that once you got past the first trimester, you were home free. Now I know, that isn't always true. I don't even think I'd be able to relax after 17 weeks. I've read so many stories of women who have endured losses throughout the entire pregnancy, some during delivery.
I can't believe this is my life. It sucks so bad some times. I miss Nathan so much. I feel so bad for all the times I complained about pregnancy... about all the times I worried about money and bringing another baby into our lives. I would be happy broke and pregnant for 18 months, if it meant I could have him back. You hear people ask, if you could change one thing in your life what would it be. If you could go back and do something over again, what would it be. Up until Nathan, I've never had anything I'd want to change. I figure it all lead me to where I am now and made me who I am. Nathan's birth, however... is a whole different story. I'd give just about anything to do it over... even knowing the outcome would be the same. Even if I still lost him, I go through the pain and heartache all over again... just to have one more chance to hold him again.
Then reality snaps me back and I remember that there are no do-overs in life. I have to suck it up and deal with it. I have to remind myself that I have Allen and Cameron... and as short as the time was, I had Nathan. As much as it hurts, I'll take the pain, heartache and 4 months. I'd rather have those precious few moments with him, than to have never had him at all. I'm a different person because of him. I love him and I thank him every day for allowing ME to be his mommy for those 4 precious months.
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