Part of me is nervous and scared... part of me is ready. I know that I need to get back and on my feet. We've got bills coming in that need to be paid and short-term disability only pays so much. I'm just nervous about people's reaction. How crazy is that?!?! I feel like I'm in high school all over again. I know... I really need to worry less about what other people think. It's easier said than done.
I know one of three things is going to happen:
- People are going to come up to me and tell me how sorry they are; which is going to make me cry; which is going to make them feel bad; which is going to make me feel bad for making them feel bad
- People are going to ignore me like the plague and pretend nothing ever happened; which is going to make me feel sad. It'll be like Nathan never existed and was never important.
- There is someone, I'm sure, who won't have heard what happened and, at some point, they will ask how the baby is doing or if I know what I'm having yet. Then once I tell them... it'll be a repeat of scenario #1.
Aghhhhhh... why did this happen?
< 10 minute gap >
Cameron just woke up and couldn't find his paci. I went in to help him find it and tuck him back in. I laid there beside his bed, rubbing his back, looking at his face against the light shining from his closet. (He's afraid of the dark so he has to have the closet light on and the door cracked.) I can't help but wonder what Nathan would look like. I saw what he looked like at almost 17 weeks gestation... but at birth, at one year, at three years... what would he have looked like? I just can't help but wonder what God's plan is... why us, why MY baby? What possible purpose involves taking a baby 4 months into a pregnancy? I just don't understand... and I don't think I ever will.
No comments:
Post a Comment