I never realized what a "taboo" subject it was until now. People are just not comfortable talking about the loss of a baby... especially during pregnancy. I can't imagine the heartache women must have suffered all these years. My grandma lost a daughter, who she named Lenny. Lenny lived for 16 days and my grandpa never allowed grandma to see or hold her. Mama said that grandma hated him until the day she died because of it. Back then, the hospital took care of the babies remains and women were sent home. Those lost babies were never added to the family tree or talked about again. All these years later, I don't even know what was wrong with Lenny or why she died.
As much as I hate myself for giving Nathan up so quickly... I try to remind myself that I'm lucky. (As much as one can be in this situation.) I got to see, hold and name him. There are so many women out there who never got that kind of closure. They'll always wonder what gender their baby was, wonder what he/she looked like, etc. I got all that... and I thank God for allowing me that privilege. As much as it hurt, I'm blessed that I got to have that time with my son. On the bad days, I just have to remind myself of that.
I wrote the following on August 9th on my Late Pregnancy Loss support board. One of the moms was beating herself up for some feelings she was having. I remembered it tonight and I think I need to read my own writing...
I think we all struggle in our own ways. To each of us... our loss is worse... because WE are experiencing it. It's not that you're being mean... you're hurting and you can't understand how anyone else thinks that they could possibly hurt as much as you do. And honestly, they don't. Even though we're all greiving our losses... they are just that, OUR losses. We can say "I understand what you're going through". We can't say "I know how you feel" because we don't.
I'm sure the 1st trimester moms, are jealous of us. Perhaps, they wish they'd been able to deliver, hold and see their baby and know the gender. I think it would have been harder, for me, to have closure if I hadn't been able to see him and name him.
I find myself sometimes jealous of women who carried their baby longer. They got more time, more kicks and a bigger baby to hold. They had time to develop more memories with their baby... even if it was while they were inside them. They didn't have to worry that they would bruise their baby just by holding them. (I don't think.) Their baby was bigger and more developed... and, I imagine, a tad less shocking than your baby and mine. Nathan was only 6 1/2" long (about the same as yours) and even though he was developed and looked exactly like a tiny baby... it was a shocking experience. I didn't get the tiny, white baby that I imagined in my mind... I had a purplish baby that fit in one hand. Whether the staff tries to prepare you or not, no parent expects or imagines their baby like that. Later gestation families get footprints and (most) get a baby outfit or blanket to wrap their child in. They had moments and memotoes of their baby that most earlier loss women will never have. Part of me, is jealous of you... because you DID get those things and our babies were close in age. I wish I had footprints and a blanket to hold when I want to cry and feel closer to my baby. I think it's only natural for all of us to wish we'd had more than what we had.
Then again, I don't know how much harder it would have been had I carried Nathan longer. To have more time bonding, to go through a more difficult, painful labor and still have the same end result. To already have his nursery complete and have to come home empty-handed and take it all apart... that would have been torture. (We only had his room painted, the crib and glider bought... which has been bad enough.) My heart broke into a million pieces when my friend told me about having to return everything after her loss... having to explain the reason for the returns was because her baby had died at 30 weeks gestation.
I think also the thing that moms, who miscarry vs. stillbirth, struggle with is public perception. Not only are we trying to greive, we feel that we have to justify our grief. When a woman has a stillbirth, the baby is recognized more as a baby. Most of the time, sympathy and support is given to the familiy, without question... as they lost a child. When a woman miscarrys, she is looked at as "oh, it was just a miscarriage". They don't look at the fact that we ALL lost a baby. We were ALL emotionally invested in our pregnancies. Or at least that's how I feel.
The friend I mentioned earlier, who's baby died at 30 weeks... she received money, cards, flowers, food... as if a family member had died. (I don't mean that as a family member didn't die... I just didn't know how else to word it.) They had a funeral and family and friends were able to see their baby and grieve with them. We had Nathan creamated and my mom and I are the only people who saw him. We are the only people that know/saw he even existed. My husband didn't even see him. I can count on one hand the number of people who have said my son's name or mentioned him. I haven't received anything except a couple get well cards. While those are MASSIVELY appreciated... I wasn't sick. I lost a child. I was induced, I went through labor, I held my son, I had a baby. They don't see that, though.
The end result in every situation is the same... we are ALL parents who've lost a child/children. We are all traveling this path together and, point blank... it sucks.
I got two cards and some money tonight at work. I waited until I got home to open the card because I knew it would make me cry. The lady who gave it to me lost her young adult son to a car accident almost a year ago. I wasn't expecting the money... so it was a nice surprise. Amazingly enough, the card and money were from people on 3rd shift... people I don't even normally work with! How generous and thoughtful is that!?!? I got a card and money last week from the warehouse department (yet another group of people I don't normally work with). I wrote a thank you note and placed it on the message board at work tonight. I wrote it for warehouse department because it was before I realized 3rd was giving me a card/money. I told them thank you and that every dime given is going into Nathan's project.
I got an email back from the publishing company and they are going to let us purchase the support books at 51% off and charge 1/2 the cost of shipping!!!!! I'm so excited about that! Beth, at Compassionate Passages, had given me the contact information to get in touch with the publisher. They offer the same book through their program and have offered to donate 5 books for our cause! That is FIVE families who will have a book to help them understand their feelings while they grieve for their baby. How awesome is that?!?!
My niece, Kasey, is letting us borrow her sewing machine until I can save up for one. I'm so excited... I think I'm going to get some cheap fabric this weekend so I can start learning to sew and get some practice on it. Things are slowly falling into place for Nathan's project and I'm excited to see where it's all going. Excited is a nice feeling... a feeling I haven't had in a while.
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