Spoken Word Blog Round-Up (Year Two)

Angie, over at Still Life with Circles, is starting up the 2nd Spoken Word Blog Round-Up. I participated in this last year and it was an amazing experience. I was still very early into my loss but I somehow found the courage to post and was welcomed into the community with love, acceptance and support. I believe it was a big turning point in my healing... just getting the words and thoughts out into the open and having someone tell me that I wasn't alone. If you are interested in participating or just want to follow along, here's the link: http://stilllifewithcircles.blogspot.com/2012/10/spoken-word-blog-round-up-two.html (Here is the link from last year: http://stilllifewithcircles.blogspot.com/2011/10/spoken-word-blog-round-up.html)

Sadness

I keep wondering when it won't bother me to hear Cameron ask when we'll be able to have a new baby. He's asked lots of times so you would think it wouldn't hit me like it does. However, it always comes out of nowhere. It breaks my heart to hear the words and see the sad look on his face when I tell him that it isn't up to us; that only God can decide if we get to have another baby. I feel like I'm letting him down every time I say it. :-(

Precious Moments

I came across this while catching up on the blogs I follow. This beautiful Precious Moments figure "Mommy's Love Goes With You" depicts a mommy handing her baby over to an angel. It was retired in 2007 but they are bringing it back for a limited time due to customer requests. You have to call to order and it will ship in October... just in time for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Thank you to Holly (Caring for Carleigh) for sharing. The picture is from the Precious Moments' website and belongs to them.

http://www.preciousmoments.com/content.cfm/product/Mommy%27s-Love-Goes-With-You

Slowly Returning

I haven't worked out or really cared much about anything over the last month or so. The house has been a wreck and it has taken everything I have just to get out of bed, get Cameron dressed, fed and to school and then go to work myself. I think Allen knew something was going on but I was just so snappy and distant. Every time he'd ask what was wrong, I'd just snap and walk off. I've never been one to talk about my feelings and emotions... so "this whole thing" has been really hard for me. Our marriage has been strained for a while now so our 12th anniversary (which is today) hasn't exactly been full of hearts and romance. However, I'm slowly returning to the land of the living. I'm trying to put my mind in a different "place". I'm really trying to focus on the reasons that I have to be happy. I'm so sick of feeling like I'm just existing and surviving each day. I'm tired of living in the past and living with the regrets of my life. I can't change them... it is what it is. I can dwell on them or I can say, "Screw it and let it go... lessons learned, as painful as some of them were."

Along with my marriage struggles, I've really gotten a dose of reality as far as my parenting skills go and... I'm so embarrassed. I used to TEACH preschool for crying out loud!! My degree is in Early Childhood Education!! Really, people... really?!?! I've seriously neglected my child over the last year and his behavior has really begun to show it. His behavior has become... well, has been (because it didn't happen overnight) horrible. Years ago (before kids) I would've thought to myself (about someone like me), "I'd never let my child act like that!" Yeah, well... I could've never imagine what the death of a baby would do to my physical and emotional self either.

I seriously have to dig us all back out of this. I cleaned his room and toys today and got everything organized. I'm going to see about making him a routine/chore chart. He is getting old enough to start being more independent and taking on some responsibility for his things.

I really like these magnets at Keeping Life Creative. I went out and bought the materials to make them and I emailed the lady to find out if the clipart is still available to purchase.

I also liked this type of daily routine chart but I can't remember where I found the idea/picture.

This site had some good "starter chores". I like this site but it might be something we'll do when he's older. The goal is to get all of this in motion, not only for him, but also to hold me accountable as well. I've spent so much of my time wrapped up in my own life that I've neglected him. I'm constantly online, on my Kindle, watching TV... really anything that allows me to "tap out" of reality and just be, for the most part, numb. I seriously have to start spending more time with him and being emotionally present.

I've got to find a way to bring us all back together. I have to fight for my marriage and try to find that flame that has been smoldering for far too long now. I could really use some prayers and encouragement as I know this is going to be a long (possible painful) dig for our whole family.

Well, gotta go. Munchkin needs a friend to paint watercolors with because... "I found an extra paintbrush, mom!" :-)

Depression

Never in my life have I experienced depression... until now. Over the last few weeks, I've noticed a change. I can't pinpoint exactly when it started but last week, I was certain of it. I spoke to my therapist about it at our session on Wednesday. She had me take the "Beck test" and according to my "score" I'm between moderate to severe. However, most of my answers lean toward a physiological depression instead of a "normal" chemical depression. She feels that medication may not help because I don't have any chemical or hormonal imbalance factors. (I know I'm not explaining it like she did but I don't really know how.) She said we would continue to work through and discuss it more at my next session. I don't really want medication. That just makes me feel weak. I was embarrassed for saying anything to begin with and agreeing to do the test.

No offense to anyone else but I've never thought of myself as one of "those" people (depressed people). I've always been the person who manages a smile or manages an "over-coat" to life's ups and downs. I've become pretty good at it. I don't like people thinking of me as "less than". I'm extremely private when it comes to my feelings and talking about them. My therapist knows more than anyone and even then, it's taken over a year to even start being honest and open with her. There is just something scary and intimidating about looking at a person (any person) and bearing my soul to them. I think that's why I tend to like this blog and my online friendships. I have the safety and protection of my screen between us.

I hate the way this feels. Every time I feel like I'm having a good day or thought, something starts to pull me back into a dark hole. It sucks.

August 19th Day of Hope

August 19th is a day to break down the walls of society that keep pregnancy, infant and child loss a hush hush subject. People view the death of a baby as just a sad thing that happened. These babies, that die, are not sad things that happened. They are people... much loved and wanted children. They are brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandsons and granddaughters.

August 19th is about openly speaking about these children and celebrating their short lives. By having this special day, once a year, we get people speaking about pregnancy, infant and child loss. By doing this we break those walls down so that people are not afraid to speak about these children anymore.

Today and every day I remember my baby, Nathan. I will never stop loving him and missing him. He will never be forgotten by me.

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/international-dates/august-19th-day-of-hope

A new year of missing him...

My beautiful boy's 1st birthday has officially come and gone. It wasn't as difficult as I imagined it would be... for which I'm thankful. I miss him as much as I did a year ago but the pain isn't as raw and intense as it was in the beginning. He's beginning to weave himself into the layers of who I am and I'm beginning to grow comfortable having him there, beneath my heart. Okay? Never... it'll never be okay but I'll take what I can get. For now, my heart is the closest I can have him, so I'll take it.

A solar powered butterfly stone for Nathan's garden from Aunt JenJen (Allen's sister)

A butterfly yard stake for Nathan's garden from Aunt JenJen (Allen's sister)

Birthday dinner - crockpot shredded BBQ chicken sandwiches, mac n' cheese and crispy fries!

I wanted to try a new recipe... just something different for Nathan's special day.

I found a new BBQ chicken recipe and it was good!

Here's the link to the recipe.

Cameron and Granny (my mom) watching The Very Hungry Caterpillar on YouTube

Mommy and Cameron - Gosh, I love this kid!!! :-)

We had two sky lanterns that we were going to release but a giant thunderstorm rolled in and

rained us out. Cameron was so disappointed but I told him that we'd release them another day.

Happy 1st Birthday!

Nathan,

Happy 1st Birthday, my sweet angel! I wonder what kind of party that Jesus will be throwing you today. I'm sure it will be spectacular and more amazing than anything I could imagine.

I can't help it... I still feel like your place should be here, with me. Your brother woke up a little after 2am and I've been in trying to get him back to sleep. I was rubbing his back, looking at his face and wondering how much of him would've been in you. I wonder if you would have looked like him and your daddy or if I would've finally gotten a child that looked like me. I have to say, looking at your tiny features that night... I think I would've been 0-2 on it, with Daddy being the winner, yet again. LOL

I had planned on staying up until your birth time anyway. I've had your candle burning since about 7pm. I just blew it out, as I wished you a happy birthday, before I starting writing this. I'm going to pick up your birthday cake in the morning. Well, today... I guess. It is technically after midnight. I'm excited to see it. I got Carrie to make you a Hungry Caterpillar cake. I also got a sky lantern... the first one I've ever bought. I hoping that it doesn't rain tonight so we can release it.

I don't really know what to say because I know that nothing I say or do will change anything. My heart continues to miss you, as much as it did a year ago. I find myself reliving that night and trying so hard to will the tiny, details back into my mind and my memory. Those are the only things I have left to remember you... that tie me to you. I find myself angry and reliving the feelings of failure and disappointment (in myself) for the choices made that night. I'm trying not to dwell and let myself "go there" again because I know that it does nothing for either of us.

With everything in me, I will try to put on a smile and brave face today. I will celebrate the day and rejoice in the fact that I had you at all. Even though you were already gone by the time I birthed you, you were always my little miracle! Against all odds, you came into my life when nobody thought it was possible. Just as you were, your timing was also perfect. Had you not come, perhaps I would have had that hysterectomy. Had you not come, I would've never known this heartache. However, I don't regret it. You were, and continue to be, worth every single tear. They are tears of love... because I love and miss you. I don't know what our future looks like but I can't help but wonder what it would've been like with you here.

I hope you know that you will always be a missing part of our family... a missing part of me. I love you forever and ever....

Mommy

~ Your First Birthday In Heaven ~

 It’s your first birthday in Heaven
And I know you’re happy there.
I want you to know I miss you
And your absence is hard to bear.
They say time will heal the hurting
And I’m trusting that it will,
But if I live a hundred years
I know I’ll miss you still.
Enjoy your self in Heaven
With Jesus and friends so dear.
I’m looking forward to joining you there
When my life is through down here.

©Bob Hefner 7-28-01

As I'm writing you this message,
You won't believe all the things I see.
Heaven is so beautiful,
And it's now where you can find me.
The angels are all so wonderful,
And God is indeed my guiding light.
He opened up His arms to me,
When I arrived my first night.
He said "My child don't you worry,
You have truly come home.
And now that you're here,
You will never be alone."
To make it even more special,
You'll never guess what they've done.
They arranged my first birthday celebration,
Right here in Heaven!
Everything seems so perfect,
But something's still not quite right.
It's all of you I'm missing,
To help make my birthday bright.
It would be so amazing,
If you could be with me.
Helping me celebrate my birthday,
With my new Heavenly family.
I know the day will come,
When we will be together again,
But until that time comes,
I love you all...

A Bittersweet Day

I wanted to offer an update, copied and pasted, from You are my Child.

I had a wonderful meeting this morning and I'm proud to announce that we finally have our first hospital! I'm so excited about our partnership with Randolph Hospital. They were so grateful and excited about our memory boxes! Just talking with them, I could feel their passion and love for the families that they serve. I just know that this is going to be a fabulous collaboration, with the end result being such a gift to their patients. While it is always our hope that the memory boxes are never needed, we hope that our partnership with Randolph Hospital will be a successful one for many, many years to come!

Today has been a bittersweet day. I was so excited as I left the hospital but I couldn't help but think of how different my life was a year ago. A year ago, today, I laid on an exam table staring at my son's lifeless little body on an ultrasound screen as my OB sadly told me that he no longer had a heartbeat. I was induced on July 20th and he was born on July 21, 2011 at 2:32am. We're having a cake made for him and plan to release a sky lantern on Saturday for his 1st birthday. I will be working on assembling the boxes to see what else is needed before the first donation drop-off. Other than having him here, I can't think of a better way to spend his birthday than assembling memory boxes.

Thank you all for your love and support over the last year! It has been sincerely appreciated.

The Community

I came across this post earlier today. I responded but also debated on whether to write a similar post on my blog. Then this afternoon, I began seeing posts on Facebook about a local family who lost their baby boy. I posted this on my Facebook page...

"I've noticed that many people are posting about the death of baby Landon Turner, who passed away today. I do not know this family but my heart breaks for them. I know, all too well, the road they are about to start traveling. Please say a prayer for them. Here is a link for those of you that know them and want to support them in this difficult time... but may not know what to say or do. (I included this link and this link.)"

Today, it just seems like the kinda day to be ever so thankful for the BLC (baby loss community). I feel the need to share my appreciation. There is something comforting, but odd, about perfect strangers knowing my deepest thoughts. I think it's the anonymity... I don't actually have to know or see them in person. That feels safe; much safer than those in my daily life seeing the "real" me. Of course, there are a few, who I wish so badly lived close. They have become the people that I count as my closest and dearest friends. I guess that's why, so far, I've only shared this blog with the BLC and a few others. My husband hasn't even seen it. Last night, I was going through and I decided to watch my post about the Spoken Word Blog Round Up. It was only the second time I had ever shared my blog, even among the BLC. (A very scary and brave decision.) I had my headphones in and didn't realize that my husband had noticed my screen. He asked why I was crying on there. I said it was nothing and changed the subject. I think sharing this place with him will be the hardest step for me. I don't know why. Nathan was OUR son. Of all the people in the world, he should be the one who understands the most but I don't think he does. I'm not angry anymore but I don't know if he will ever understand how hurt and disappointed I was to not have him there. I think it will always be the changing moment in our marriage... the first and only time he has ever let me down. I was so in shock that week, it didn't even dawn on me how important that decision and moment would be for us and our marriage. We've gotten through the rough patches and will continue to survive but I don't think my heart will ever get over that moment.

I'm not an emotional/talking kinda person so it was tough to open up to my therapist in the beginning. I don't like to cry around people and I couldn't even think about him without crying, let alone talk about him and say his name. My blog was created and the first post was written a month after Nathan died. It was a suggestion that my therapist gave me. I did it as an outlet; a way to express my feelings. It was private and just for me. It was a way to get my thoughts from my brain into something visual/tangible... a way to work through the confusion and pain. Half of the time, none of it made sense and I felt like I repeated myself (a lot). I began to notice that it did help though. It helped to set aside those moments, write, release my thoughts and, quite often, have a good cry. I know that it has helped. Just last night, I went back and re-read some of my posts and I see a difference. I'm a different person than I was a year ago. The pain isn't as fresh and raw as it once was. When I read those earlier posts, I can feel the hurt in my words and I cry just reading them. It takes me back to that moment and allows me to experience it again. I know that sounds horrible and morbid but sometimes I actually miss those early days. The pain and fresh grief is what tied me to so closely to Nathan. The farther I have gotten from it... the farther I feel that I am from him. I know that I'll never stop missing him or loving him but I often wonder how I've gotten "comfortable" with it.

In the beginning, as I began to reach out to the BLC, I read more and more and it became increasingly comforting to know that so many of my thoughts were experienced by others. I wasn't wierd. I wasn't morbid. I wasn't obsessing. I was normal. I was simply missing my baby and trying to wrap my mind around everything that I was feeling... everything that I had been through. I began to notice that many other bloggers were able to express, in writing, the exact thoughts that were in my head. It was amazing to read a complete stranger's post and feel like they had picked my brain and written my thoughts and feelings. Finally, even if it wasn't my writing, there was something that connected my thoughts and made them into something "real"... something understood.

Over time, I began to figure out the blogs I wanted to follow... the people that I felt "connected" to and who's writing I felt spoke to me. I currently have 47 blogs that I follow. I don't always respond but I do read each one of their posts. There are some days that I just simply don't know what to say and so, I read and pray for them. I've followed them through many changes over the last year. Many of them have begun to welcome their rainbows (see the picture below), while some have said no more. There are a few who, like me, are still on the lonely path of infertility and are unsure of what the future holds. (A couple with endometriosis-related infertility, like me.) Some have divorced, married, moved, changed jobs, etc. Many of them are years into their grief and some are approaching those last "1st year" milestones, like me. I added a few who are closer to the beginning of their journey and it breaks my heart to recognize the pain in their writings.

This was my response to the post (that I linked in the beginning of this post)...

"I'm approaching my son's first birthday in Heaven, next week, but I remember those early days. I remember reaching out, desperate to find and connect with someone who understood. I have a living child so my days were filled with him. They were filled with the auto-pilot, mind numbing daily chores of life. However, at night... I would sit on the computer for hours, sometimes getting only a couple hours of sleep. It was like I was dying of thirst and I was soaking up every single drop of water just to survive. I would cling to the heartbreaking (but comforting) reality that others had gone through this and survived... they were surviving. I thought perhaps they could share the secret... the secret of how to survive without my son. Because honestly, in the beginning, I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life without him. I soon learned that there is no secret. It's just taking it one day at a time... sometimes one hour at a time. The BLC has been my saving grace. When others thought I was obsessing or harboring morbid thoughts, the BLC took me in. They understood me when nobody else did. I can't begin to imagine where I would be had those moms not reached out to me and taken the time to email or visit my blog and comment. I'm surviving because of the courage, hope and love they gave me."


It is an unimaginably, isolating feeling to feel like nobody understands. It hurts to feel like you are destined to be alone in your pain forever. I wish so badly that I wasn't a part of the BLC (baby loss community) but I can't possibly imagine where I'd be right now without them. There is a bond between those of us who've been there. While I wish I didn't... it's lifesaving to feel like I fit in. It's nice to be among those who don't think I am morbid or obsessive; to be among people who are able to look at my pictures, hear my stories and see the love, beauty and fierce protective instincts that I have for my child simply because that is all I have. They simply "get it" and are there to hold me and support me when I feel like there is no possible way that I'll survive the pain. As I begin moving into new chapters of my life, the BLC will move with me and they will know and understand that Nathan will never be forgotten. I don't feel like I have to move on or get over him. They understand that I will still have difficult days and I will forever miss him. The strength and compassion that they offer, will help me to get through the challenging days and once again find joy in living.

Some people I've met along this journey have been in my life for a season... long enough to help me through the pain and initial stages of my grief. Some, however, have made a permanent impact on my life. I will be forever thankful for each one because they have helped me to survive the hardest year of my life.

The World Around Us

(This is a draft that I noticed I had never published. It was written on May 10, 2012.)

I've been thinking, today, about how complex, confusing and diverse the world is. (It's not just about the gay marriage issue... I've been a part of conversations of other topics this week that have sparked this.) Some days, I have to wonder... what is my purpose? How can I make a difference? How can I make the world a better place? What can I do that, years from now, will make my son proud of me? What can I do that will inspire him to want to change or embrace the world around him? It just seems overwhelming and completely pointless some days. Sometimes, I think it would be easier to just go with the flow and let the crowd lead me. But... that's just not me. For some reason, my heart just keeps telling me to fight for the underdog. I'll admit though... sometimes I do get sucked in. I find myself nodding in agreement with the "majority" and then I have to take a step back and say, "What the heck?!?!" We are human and we all sin, either by action or with thought. The great thing is we can all change. Just because I was taught or I believe one thing today... doesn't mean that someone else can't challenge my thinking or inspire a change in me tomorrow. Think about it... what the world would be like if there had never been protesting for women's rights, for African Americans or people with mental/physical disabilities and on and on. Can you even imagine what kind of world we would be living in today? My heart goes out to the people who feel like an outcast or a nobody because they don't fit the pattern of "normal" whether it be because of their race, sexual orientation, religion, size, mental/physical ability... whatever. Tonight, as I sit here... I'm thinking of the families of children with special needs and how they have to fight to protect the rights of their children. I think of the strength it must take for them to ignore the stares and comments. I beam with pride when I see a parent hold their head up high when people stare at or make rude comments about their child. I have to fight the urge to raise my fist and say, "You and your child rock! Keep on keepin' on... one day at a time!!" ;-) They are shining examples of a parent's love. They don't want our pity. They want and deserve our respect, compassion and support. I'm thinking of the gay couple who was in a committed relationship for 40+ years and never allowed to get married. I can't imagine spending my life with someone and not being allowed into the emergency room to comfort them... simply because I'm not a "legal" family member. (#7 & 8: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/steps-to-help-you-evolve-your-views-on-gay-marriag) I'm thinking of the families who grieve for their lost babies but who are perceived or labeled as morbid, obsessive pity seekers. People are often disturbed or bother by pictures of their baby... instead of taking the time to see them for the tiny, amazing miracles that they are. They are told to "get over it" or "to move on"... which only serves to minimize their grief. I'm thinking of the innocent children who will grow up being taught to hate or "shun" people simply because they are different. It's a shame we can't all stay innocent like children. Hate and discrimination are taught... it is a learned behavior. We need to think about our actions and our thoughts. Our children are watching and learning from us. What do we want to teach the next generation? Just a thought...

Thunderstorms

I've been able to hear the storm brewing for about an hour now. It's finally getting close now. I was sitting out on the porch, in the rocking chair, a little while ago and I felt this sense of de'ja' vu. As I sat there, the wind picked up and a warm, gentle breeze began to blow my hair. It's been so hot recently but with the storm coming, it's cooled down today. It reminds me of the warm, nighttime breeze you feel coming off the ocean at the beach. It's a warm breeze that gives the slightest hint of a chill. (Does that make sense?) It the distance, I could hear the low rumble and then the flashes of lightening behind the clouds. It's beautiful. I wish I had a good camera or video camera to capture it. I looked up and could see a small patch of sky through a break in the clouds. I could see the tiny, twinkling stars. And then I remembered a moment very similar, almost a year ago. It brought everything back... the pain, the missing him, the hurt, the confusion... all of it. It feels so much like yesterday.

I remember sitting in the exact same scene a couple weeks after Nathan died. It was sometime early in the morning... maybe 2 or 3am. I used to stay up late because I couldn't sleep. There was just something about being awake and remembering him at 2:32am... the time he came into the world. I remember Allen and Cameron were in bed. In those early days, I didn't want anyone to see me cry. I did most of my crying in the shower or outside, late at night, when everyone was in bed. (I still do... truth be told.) I remember looking at the stars and wondering where, in that big sky, my baby was. I wondered what the storm looked like on his side of the clouds. I wondered if one of those stars that were twinkling, were a sign for me. A sign to let me know that he was okay. Then, it began to rain... slow, light raindrops. I sat out there, with tears streaming down my face, and wondered if God was crying with me. Did He even care how much I hurt, how much I missed my son? I sat there in the rain until I began to feel clammy and chilled. At that point, I didn't even care that I was getting wet and a thunderstorm was nearing. I hurt so much. Finally, after I'd cry more than I even knew was possible, I went inside and went to bed.

In exactly one week, Nathan will be celebrating his 1st birthday in Heaven, while I continue to miss him. I'm trying hard to prepare myself. I have mixed emotions about that day. One part of me wants to celebrate his birthday... while the other part of me wants to mourn. After all, it was also the day was born already dead and that doesn't seem like an appropriate thing to "celebrate". Part of me wants to hold a party to share his special day and part of me wants to have that day, and him, all to myself. I'm not sure how to handle it all. I know that even if he'd been born alive, he'd have never survived at that gestation... so how could that even really be his "birthday"? His birthday is supposed to be in December. December means nothing anymore. All the "specialness" of December vanished in July. It feels kinda weird to be thinking of his 1st birthday... knowing that he should be 7 months old. My son should be sitting up and trying to crawl. He should be doing so many things...

Instead, he is still there and I'm still here... missing him so very much.

Weight

A friend of mine has been doing the Slim in 6 program and I have to say... she looks amazing! I dug found mine in the closet this morning. I did the Start It Up! section and thought I was going to die. Wow! I had to stop twice and catch my breath. I didn't even finish the last 8 minutes. I just couldn't... I couldn't feel my legs and felt like I was going to fall. That is SOOO freakin' sad and I'm embarrassed to admit that but... there it is. I did before pictures (some of which I'm sure will never see the light of day) and did measurements. When I went to calculate my body fat, it hit me... this is crazy! I'm too young to look like this. I've never had any concern (by me or my doctor) about blood pressure or cholesterol, etc... even when I was pregnant. Somehow, with the exception of my weight, I've managed to stay within healthy levels. I think I've been lucky up to this point, considering my body fat is in the dangerous level - 41%. It is time for a change. I've GOT to stop making excuses and do something before other things start becoming dangerous and life changing. This is what I put on my Beachbody profile:

"I'm the stereo-typical fat person. I'm lazy and honest enough to admit it. I hate working out and am good at coming up with excuses. I work 2nd shift and so I joined a 24-hour gym last year, thinking that I wouldn't have an excuse. Yeah, right! After an 11 or 12-hour shift, I'd talk myself into driving home and saying, "I'll work out tomorrow." Three weeks later, I still hadn't hit the gym. I gained a lot of weight trying to get pregnant and trying to "control" my endometriosis. I endured surgeries and medications including 6 months on a Lupron injections, in which I gained almost 60lbs. I struggled with infertility for almost 5 years before getting pregnant with my son. I gained about 35lbs with him bringing my grand total to almost 250lbs at delivery. (My heaviest weight.) He just turned 4 and I've been able to get down to the 190's. I was down to 180.5 before finding out I was pregnant with my second son. I was in the midst of scheduling a hysterectomy because we had decided not to return to our RE (fertility specialist). Needless to say, it was a shock to learn we had beaten the odds and gotten pregnant on our own. I had horrible nausea with him and actually lost a few pounds during the pregnancy. Sadly, we experienced a second trimester loss... losing him two days shy of 17 weeks. (Three weeks before he would have been "classified" as a stillbirth.) I was induced and delivered him 12 hours later. As I type this, it has been almost a year since he was born and I've grieved and eaten myself back to the mid 190's. A friend recently started the Slim in 6 program and looks AMAZING! She has given me the hope and strength to try again and hopefully succeed in losing the weight. I did the Start It Up section this morning and thought I was going to die. I had to stop twice and catch my breath. I couldn't even finish the last 8 minutes because I could't feel my legs and felt like I was going to fall because my legs were so weak. That is SOOO sad and I'm embarrassed to admit it but... there it is."

I'm going to start a page just for my weight loss and hope and pray that I am able to find the motivation and dedication to stick with it. :-)

Random Baby Thoughts

I've never been the mom who "wishes" for a girl or boy during pregnancy. Honestly, during my pregnancy with Cameron... I knew he was a boy. I just knew it somewhere inside me. When the ultrasound tech asked if we wanted to know, we said yes. Almost immediately, he closed his legs and tucked them up against his tummy and raised his feet against his butt. It took some poking and prodding but he finally opened his legs back up. When she announced that it was a boy... I said, "I knew it."

Cameron's Anatomy/Gender Ultrasound

During my pregnancy with Nathan, I never had that feeling of knowing. I honestly had no clue! I kept saying that it was probably a boy because that seems to be what runs in Allen's gene pool. LOL. Nathan is the 12th grandchild. There are 11 boys and only 1 girl. I figured our chances were slim for a girl and I didn't want to end up being disappointed. I have to admit though, I did get slightly nudged towards wondering if it was girl because of how sick I was. I never got morning sickness with Cameron... no nausea or anything. With Nathan, it hit full force at 6 weeks and continued until he was born a couple days shy of 17 weeks. Everyone kept saying that it had to be a girl and that my hormones were reacting to her. Needless to say, I was a little surprised when the nurse announced that Nathan was a boy when he was born. Not disappointed, just surprised. Not that it mattered because, regardless of the gender, I knew my baby wasn't coming home with me.

That said... I can kinda see why some people decide not to find out the gender during pregnancy. If Nathan had been alive and at term to survive, I can only imagine the joy and excitement of finding out what he was. To have worked that hard at labor and delivery and finally had that sweet ending and announcement... it would have been wonderful.

I've been on the fence with trying again. I'm just so darn scared to put my heart out there again and chance the pain. My OB is really trying not to push but I can tell he wants me to try again. He has mentioned a couple times about referring me back to Dr. Y (our RE/fertility specialist) at Wake Forest or trying a round of Clomid. He knows my history and he has been there through all of our fertility struggles and he knows how my body has let me down time and time again. I honestly think he was as surprised as I was when I lost Nathan. I think we both figured getting pregnant would be the hardest thing I've ever face.

Pregnancy hasn't been prevented since we decided almost 10 years ago to start a family (wow, I didn't realize until just now that it had been that long). However, I haven't charted since I had Cameron. I know when I ovulate because I can feel it but I haven't done the whole temp. and track thing. It got really stressful there at the end before I got pregnant with Cameron. It was killing our sex life. Truth be told, between the infertility and loss of Nathan, it's still suffering sometimes.

I'm sure you're wondering where the heck this "conversation" is going... as I've steered completely to Japan and back. I got an email from a party website that I'm subscribed to about an adorable little princess party and it just made me a little dreamy for a moment. (I can't believe I'm saying this!) I love my boys... don't get me wrong but I can't help but wonder what life would be like with a daughter. I got to thinking about all the things I might miss... the little girl wanting to dress up and wear makeup like mama, the "boy" talks, holding her through her first heartbreak, watching her fall in love, seeing her daddy walk her down the aisle and give her away, sharing a bond with another woman (who I birthed), offering her support when she has her first born, etc. I think there is just something about the color pink, tea parties, dress up and all things girl... that makes me smile. Of course, songs like this don't help. ;-)

I know that even if we try again and get pregnant that there is no guarantee that we'll have a girl and I'm okay with that. I know that having a girl doesn't mean eternal bliss. There would be the hormones and rebellion... just as I'm sure we'll experience with Cameron. ;-) I guess I just needed a moment of allowing myself to wonder and give in to random thoughts about it all...

Still Here

I know it seems as though I dropped off the planet... but I didn't. I'm still here. I just hit a dry spell and really had nothing to write. I had so many things on my mind but I just didn't have the energy or desire to actually write anything. I spent that time catching up on the blogs I follow.

I'm out of work this week for the 4th of July so I've been trying to alternate cleaning and relaxing. We have a huge consignment sale (WeeRuns) that comes to our area twice a year. I've been shopping there since I was pregnant with Cameron and I've been consigning for about 3 years now. I shop on one night, for him, and buy for the entire season. This current sale is going to be the fall/winter sale and so I will buy everything to last him through fall/winter. After I shop WeeRuns, I rarely ever have to buy him anything from a retail store. I love it! I'm able to get him like new or nice, name brand clothes at a fraction of what I would spend retail. The last 2 years I've sold everything I've consigned. I've either made a profit or broke even, based on what I consign vs. what I buy, so it's kinda like swapping his clothes out as he grows. I've got an appointment to drop off my items on Sunday so I've got to get everything finished by then. I finished cleaning out Cameron's toys today. My goodness... the boy had way too many! I ended up with a huge suitcase full. Tomorrow, I'm going to go through his clothes and hopefully start tagging everything. His poor closet is so jam packed... I can't wait to get it cleaned out. I've been going and sorting the clothes he can't wear. Plus, since his toys are cleaned out... there are some in his closet. (We've cut down enough to where all his toys fit in his room! I've cleaned off 8 bookshelves in my living room. I now have room to display pictures, etc.) I'm almost embarrassed to share the pictures. Don't worry though... I'll be sure to share to after pictures so that I have proof that his closet does NOT normally look like this.

I can tell that its summer because the hot weather is definitely here. It's been 100+ since last week. Cameron and I have been spending plenty of time in the pool since last weekend. Today, I think I spent a little too much time out there before I reapplied my sunscreen. I'm feeling a bit crispy! Thank goodness I lathered Cameron well enough and he did okay.

Since it's July, my mind and attention have definitely turned more to Nathan. I can't believe it's been almost a year since he was here in my arms. Part of me wants to "celebrate" his birthday privately and part of me wants to have a party and share his day with those around me. I talked to Allen about it and he seems a little uncomfortable with a party. He avoided the conversation with a, "We'll see." Either way, it will be a bittersweet day I'm sure. I definitely plan to have a cake for him and I've already ordered a sky lantern to release.

Whether we have a party of not, I enjoyed "pinning" lots of great party ideas... just for him! Since he reminds me of a butterfly, I wanted to do "The Hungry Caterpillar". I know I want it to be rainbow colored inside but these are the "cakes" that I'm trying to decide between...

Mother's Day

I thank God everyday for the amazing gift of being Cameron and Nathan's mom. :-) Whether you hold your child in your arms or in your heart, I'm wishing you a Happy Mother's Day. For those who are struggling with infertility, I remember those days as well. I'm thinking of you and praying that your arms are filled soon. ♥ CDS & NAS ♥ *The picture is of me, Cameron and our "Nathan Bear" which Cameron made at Build-A-Bear on Nathan's due date.

International Bereaved Mother's Day & Nurses Day

It's been a very emotional weekend so I'm going to make this short... hopefully. ;-)

Saturday, I took Cameron out and we spent a few hours looking for a gift for Nathan's nurse (the nurse who delivered him). I had called up at the hospital and was told that she'd be working Saturday night. I ended up getting her a plaque, pen/note holder, butterfly candle holder (from our donation project) and an angel pin. I also got her a popsicle maker but forgot to write on the card that it was for her and her daughter. (I remember her saying her daughter was around Cameron's age.) I hope she puts two and two together and doesn't think I'm crazy! LOL. I decided to give the maternity floor staff some fruit, cookies, candy and cake.

I wrote his nurse a note... thanking her for all of her support and compassion. I told her that she was special because other than myself and the funeral home staff, she was the only person who ever held my son. I told her that, while I wasn't with her, I know that she treated my son with dignity and love when he wasn't with me and that I was thankful and appreciative. She joined You are my Child's Facebook page and wrote me a very sweet private message, which made me cry.

Sunday was also International Bereaved Mother's Day. For more information, visit this link: International Bereaved Mother's Day. I thought this was fabulous but reading Stephanie's post a few minutes ago, kinda got me in a different mindset. I mean, it still is a wonderful thing and I will definitely "celebrate" it... it just made me stop and think about the "real" Mother's Day.

"Just some thoughts this evening as I reflect on the day... it being International Bereaved Mothers Day and all. And my thoughts are this: It is not a replacement for Mother's Day. It is an addition to it. The traditional Mother's Day is still very much our day. And when you dive into the history of the holiday and check out the true intention behind the day, it becomes evident that it is perhaps ours even more than the average happy-go-lucky-mom (if there is such a woman.) It began as a peace protest by Julia Ward Howe, who was tired of seeing mothers lose their sons to war. She spoke of grieving mothers in her declaration for Mother's Day of Peace. Grieving mothers, that's us. I appreciate IBMD and all that Carly has done for our community, I will celebrate it and feel honored by it - but I do not need it. Because the real Mother's Day is mine. I earned it four times over, with each heart that began beating beneath mine. And no matter how your children came to you and no matter how long their lifetime lasted, they are yours and this day they designate as Mother's Day... that's yours, too."

It's true what she says about the "real" Mother's Day being ours. I guess having Cameron, I already "claim" it but I can understand how difficult that day will be for moms who don't have any living children. I do agree though... every mother DESERVES to be acknowledged on Mother's Day because she IS a mother.

I also got an email from Dana, over at Pencil Portraits by Dana. She is doing a survey and creating a bereavement support thing (can't remember how she worded it). Wow... kinda emotional! A few questions made me stop and think. Well, you know what... I'll just copy and paste the email.

1. At what point in gestation did you suffer your loss? I was 16 weeks, 3 days when I lost him and 16 weeks, 5 days when I was induced and delivered.

2. Did you do any type of therapy, grief counseling, alternative healing afterwards to get through such a difficult time?  If so, how did it help or not help? I first started with online support sites, reading other stories. (ex. Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope) Those were VERY helpful. I was finally able to realize that everything I was feeling was normal and that I wasn't alone. I began seeing a therapist about a month after Nathan died. My husband chose not to see Nathan and so he was at home with our older son during my labor and delivery. His way of dealing with it in the beginning was to not talk about it and pretend nothing happened. Having a therapist helped give me someone to actually talk to, face to face. Plus, she sorta understood me because her son and daughter-in-law lost a baby at 20 weeks several years ago. (My mom was there, when I delivered.)

3. If you could describe how you feel about your loss in this present moment in one or two words what would they be? In transition. (I'm not in the raw, painful beginning stage yet I'm not to the peace and "acceptance" stage either. Of course, I will never accept it because to me that feels to much like saying it's okay… and it's not. It never will be. I just don't know what other word to use other than accept. Hopefully, someday I'll be in a peaceful stage and be able to "live" with grief as my companion (in a non-depressing way). Does that make sense?)

4. Do you feel like your loss is holding you back in your life now….still causing you pain? I don't feel like it's holding me back… it's just become a part of who I am. It will always be painful and I will always wonder "what if". (What if he were here, what would he be doing… be like… etc.) However, I know that Nathan is okay where he is and that one day I'll have eternity to hold him and love him. Life hasn't given me the "luxury" to just curl up in a ball and wither. I HAVE to go on… I don't have a choice; I have a husband and another son to live for. I will spend the rest of my life living for him and experiencing all the things he never will. I have to gather a lifetime of stories and memories to share with him when I get to Heaven. Some days that is still hard and I have to take it one day at a time.

5. If yes to #4, what are the thoughts and emotions you still struggle with in relation to the loss? I answered no but I do still have moments (mainly at night when the silence and dark allow my mind to "go there") when I go back and replay that night over and over in my mind. I have so many regrets. It took me MONTHS to process and realize that I did the best I could at the time and that no amount of "wants or wishes" will ever change that night. I can't go back and have that night to do over. I have to live with the choices that were made. A realization that breaks my heart every time I think about it.

6. Has it stopped you from wanting more children? We struggled with infertility for almost 5 years before getting pregnant with our first child. We had decided not to return to the fertility specialist after having our first child. We were told our chances for more children were slim. It took 3 years but we were finally at peace. I had grieved and accepted that fact that I would never have another biological child. I had scheduled an appointment to speak with my OB about having a hysterectomy. (Because of my endometriosis, I had already lost an ovary and tube and decided that I didn't want to keep having major surgeries to keep cleaning up the damage.) I was supposed to go in June and I found out I was pregnant on Easter Sunday 2011. Nathan was our miracle! We had beaten the odds and gotten pregnant on our own. I struggle with wondering why God would give him to us, just to take him away. He was supposed to be our last child… the last piece of our family. Since my first son was born via emergency c-section, we were going to schedule a c-section and have my remaining tube tied during Nathan's birth. I have a friend who lost one of her twins. She went on to have another child years later. She said that as much as she misses her son (that she lost), she can't imagine life without her other son (who she had years later). I can't help but wonder if getting pregnant with Nathan was meant to happen to stop me from having the hysterectomy. If he was meant to be born still, so that I wouldn't have my tube tied. In some weird way, did he or God sacrifice his life for a future brother or sister? As scary as it feels to think about being pregnant again, I can't imagine "saying no" to a child that was meant to be born. A child who would be here only because Nathan isn't. I recently had a minor surgery to correct some damage from my pregnancy and my endometriosis so I guess we'll see what happens.

7. How does your loss currently effect your life, family, your relationships, your happiness? It has changed who I am. Hopefully, in the end… it's made me a better person. I understand that everyone has or is going through something that will change them. People don't go around wearing t-shirts that say "Be nice to me, I just lost a child." or "I'm mad at everyone because I just lost my job and everything is crumbling around me". It makes you stop and think about why people are the way they are. You never know what is going on in that person's life or mind. It has changed my relationship with my husband a lot. I held a lot of anger and resentment towards him for many, many months. I felt like he took the easy way out, by choosing not to see him or be there. I felt like he just abandoned me. I didn't have a choice, I had to go through it. We slowly began to talk (after I began seeing my therapist) and he revealed to me one night that he wasn't proud of how he acted. He said it was cowardly and it didn't make it right but that he felt if he was there and saw him, that it would make it real. He thought if he didn't see him, then he could just pretend that nothing happened. I've let the anger go… I had to; it was eating me up. I have too many regrets of my own to make his regrets worse on either one of us. As far as my other relationships, I've learned who is really a friend and who isn't. I've met new people and let some "older" people go. I've learned to not care what others think about how I chose to remember my son. (I created a donation project - not quite an organization yet - in his memory.) They never saw him… to them he, didn't exist but I know he was real and that's all that matters to me. At first, it made me SO mad because I felt like people were just chalking my experience up to being a simple procedure. I remember being so angry at getting a get well card. It's the thought that counts, yes… but I wasn't sick. They never came out and said it but it was implied that "It was ONLY a miscarriage." I wanted to scream… "I wasn't sick, I didn't have a procedure… I had a baby!" I've bonded together with other baby loss moms because they understand. As much as it sucks to be a part of this "club", it also feels nice to fit in and be around people who "get it". Happiness… well, I'm still working on that one. I'm slowly learning to not let guilt take the joy and happiness away from me. I've been through Hell and I deserve happiness… as hard as that is sometimes to accept. It's hard though… learning to be happy again. It doesn't feel right, some days. It's like "Nathan isn't here, why I am happy? How can I laugh, smile…"

8. If you could change something about your thoughts, beliefs, or feelings to have more peace about this event or life in general what would change? I wish so badly that I could have that night to do over… even knowing the end result would be the same. The pain and heartache would be worth it. I've played it out in my mind over and over again… everything that I would do different. However, since that will never be possible… I wish I could accept my regrets for what they are and let them go. I hear about people seeing their babies in their dreams and getting a "message" from them… telling them that they love them or that they're okay. I go to bed every night and I pray for that. I wish so badly, with everything in me, that I could tell Nathan how very sorry I am that I didn't make his birth more special and important. I wish I could tell him all the things I wish I'd had the thought process to tell him when I was holding him.

9. Do you have any advice for others who struggle with a similar loss? Take it one day at a time. I'd also share the best advice given to me by another baby loss mom on one of my support boards...

"I wanted to share this with everyone. There was a time in my life when I had almost lost everything. My husband and I were on the verge of splitting up, my oldest son had left to go stay with his dad, I was still severely grieving Jeremiah (my angel), I had lost material things... I had almost shut down. The only outside life I had, at the time, was work and thankfully, I loved my job. It was hard to go every day… I wanted to shut down completely but I knew I had to have income so I pressed on. A friend from work set me down one day. I had missed quite a bit of work but had a job where I could do that, as long as my work was complete. He asked me if I wanted to talk about it. (He had no idea everything going on.) I broke down and I spilled my guts. Instead of telling me, "Oh, it's going to get better!" or "Oh, it'll be okay!", he said, "Kim… do what's next! No matter what that next is. No matter how trivial that next seems, never stop doing what's next. If doing what's next for you, means getting out of bed and brushing your teeth… then do what's next! If it means getting a shower, then do what's next. It might be eating that first bite that you've put off because eating seems so disgusting. JUST DO WHAT'S NEXT!" I also wanted to let you know that it's okay to laugh. At first, for me, I felt like if I laughed about anything at all, I was disrespecting my angel. It's ok to laugh! I would find myself getting tickled over something and immediately stop and then start crying because I was laughing. But you know what, it felt good to laugh when I finally did. Our babies, no matter what reason they were taken from us, are happy, healthy babies now. My angel had so many medical deformities. He was missing the part of his brain that controls reflexes like breathing, sucking and swallowing. His heart was on the wrong side and had a hole in it. He had cleft palate. Had he lived a life on this earth, he would have never had a happy, healthy life but I believe he's in Heaven and he's whole! He never had to endure all those medical conditions. He's healthy now! I believe our angels look down on us and hurt because we hurt. I believe they want us to be happy in the fact that they are happy and healthy. It took me 4 years to get to this point, it didn't happen over night. But just know that it's ok to feel ANY way that you feel! No one can tell you what's right, what's wrong and how you should or shouldn't feel! But most of all, please remember to DO WHAT'S NEXT!"

First Memory Box

I just wanted to share what I posted on You are my Child's blog today...
http://www.youaremychild.blogspot.com/2012/04/first-memory-box.html

(It will open in a new window.)