The Jesus Card

It's been 3 months... shouldn't I be crying less, missing him less? It seems like the more time that passes, the harder it is. I'm starting to have good days but the emotional ones are creeping back in. I think it's because I'm getting closer to my due date... or what should've been my due date. I should be 31 weeks pregnant and getting ready to welcome my baby boy into the world in less than 8 weeks.

Last night, I started crying at work. It's the first time I've done it and not been able to stop myself. I'm normally so good at the "Doing good. How are you?" response and the fake, plastered smile. It's become my trademark and I've come close to perfecting it. Luckily, since I work second shift, the office staff is gone. I took my work and went into the conference room so nobody would see me. Later in the night, I ran into a co-worker who lost her young adult son in a car accident last year. She asked me how I was doing and it just went from there. We were both still standing in the hallway 45 minutes later crying and talking, totally oblivious to the people walking past us. I saw the uncomfortable looks as they passed by but at that very moment... I didn't even care if they saw me cry. We both confided some things in each other and just took the time to miss our boys. It felt really good to talk to someone at that very moment. She didn't change the subject, she didn't walk away, she didn't pacify the situation and tell me everything would be okay. She simply held me, let me talk and cry and I'm thankful to her for that.

I came across the link below tonight, via a friend, on Facebook. I truly believe it was exactly what I needed to read tonight. I'm still struggling with my feelings towards God and I think I will be for a long time. But I'll get there. I know He's patient and understanding. He can take my temper tantrums and occasional silent treatment. He's not finished with me yet.

http://internetcafedevotions.com/2011/10/the-jesus-card/